Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Scared to make a move

You ever have one of those days where no matter what you do, your impact on the world seems to be nil. That is what my day was like yesterday.

It started out fine, well, what I mean is nothing new. My car battery was dead... Again. The 6th time in two weeks. Luckily, we have a battery charger. But the thought of going into the world with an untrustworthy battery sent shivers down my spine. Three kids in the car and 6 stops to make was a disaster waiting to happen, never mind the battery going dead and being stranded with said children. I actually came into the house while the car was charging at canceled my appointment to have my blood pressure follow up. I knew that would not turn out well.

So the battery got charged and off we went. I needed to go to the UPS store, Post Office, bank, library, grocery store and the all important coffee drive through, as well as my friends Vikki's house to drop off her Christmas present. Luckily, Vikki's hubby was home and suggested i go to the Auto store. He said they would check my alternator and battery for free, tell me what was wrong and actually change out the battery. That is exactly what I did. $100 was not too much for a little peace of mind. I completed all my errands and got home right before lunch. I felt like I had conquered the world. Stephanie 1, Universe 0!

Here is where it turned bad. The Universe must have gotten wind of my puffed-upness (I made that word up. Feel free to use it as your discretion.) and started whispering in my children's ears about how to make the score more even. It starts as it always does, rambunctious kids who will not listen. I am not sure how many times I spoke to them about running around, hitting, playing rough and being loud. But let's just say it was in the millions. (Hey, I am due for some exaggeration.) I specially love the fake and real crying. I am an expert at telling the difference.

By the end of the afternoon I was at my wits end. I was in the bedroom sitting with my 3 year old while he fell asleep. I heard a big crash and ran in the direction of the living room. What I found was my most beautiful tiffany lamp shade on the floor. Green glass everywhere and a huge dent on one side of the shade. I also found my daughter. She said she was "sorry". Luckily I am well mediated because I was pretty calm. Instead of yelling, I just started balling. The worst thing I could have thought of had come to pass. (Well, not the worst, but of a certain category.) Avery rubbed my back and came up with ways in which we could "fix" it while I cried. I eventually sent the kids to my room while I cried to Doc on the telephone. I eventually got use to the fact that my lamp was irrevocably damaged. I had been bettered by Avery and the Universe. I was no longer "puffed-up".

The fighting and squabling continued even after Doc got home. I decided I better get the kids ready for the first day back at school. I sent Avery to the shower where she eventually clogged up the drain. Oh and this was my bathroom, my sacred space. *Big Sigh* I plunged and plunged and little bits of paper kept coming up out of the drain. But I could not get the water to go down. Avery could not come up with an answer about what exactly she sent down the drain. I really could have killed her at about this time. It doesn't end there either.

About twenty minutes later I hear another crash and what do I find but Avery and Connor playing around a glass table and one of my decorative flowers in a pottery pot which was sitting on said table is broken. I was dumb founded. Does noone learn anything around here. What is the lesson I have missed cause I sure know my kids must be clueless or worse. I called for Doc and told him they had broken something else. Speechless, I walk to the bedroom and slammed the door. Doc put the kids to bed while I contemplated how I had wronged the universe.

Maybe I should have been happy with one child. Maybe I am too lenient. Would a good beating maek more of an impact. Or maybe I need to spend more time on my knees looking deep into my children's eyes and asking them how their feeling and what they need. I will tell you one thing. What I am doing is not working. I am scared to make a move. I don't think I know how to parent. If Doc and I disappeared off the face of the earth this household would go on exactly as it has been with the screaming, fighting, hitting and mess making. So what the heck am I doing here. I am here to make an impact on my kid's lives. To mold them and help them grow into the people God wants them to be. But I am yet that person. It's the blind leading the blind. And the blind are winning.

Luckily, a good night sleep allowed my anger and sadness to melt away. The kid's being back in school allows me so time to think and regroup. Locking the children outside during the day... would not be considered child abuse? Or do I need another plan.


Sarah said...

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Elysa said...

Just a few comments in no particular order:

1. Stained glass stuff CAN be fixed by stained glass artists. I know because I've had to have a piece fixed before. Call around and see if there is an artist in your area. If not, there is a whole studio devoted to stained glass here in Jackson and would be a great excuse for a roadtrip.

2. Locking kids out to play is NOT child abuse. It's abuse if they stay inside and you start throwing them thru the windows! When my kids were younger I would literally lock them out in the backyard. If I didn't, I'd have them coming every 2 to 3 minutes asking if it was time to come in. I also used the time system a few times. They were given a specific time they HAD to stay outside. If they came in or whined at the door or knocked too soon, more time was added.

3. You ARE a good mommy. We all have bad days, weeks, sometimes even months or seasons.

4. God does have an answer. Sometimes it just takes a whole lot of trying and messing up and researching and asking and submitting and trying again.

5. Your lamp IS lovely. I used to own a lot of lovelies...most of mine are either broken or now packed away. And yes, I've cried when some of them have broken.

6. I love you.

7. Your kids love you.


Stephanie said...

Awww Elysa... you come through with the most amazing words. Thank you. And since I am in a better place I know it all to be true.

Thanks for your uplifting thoughts.

I love you too.


Elysa said...

I'm glad you're in a better place. Know that I'm here if you need me...I understand...truly.

Elysa said...

An update:

Saturday I went shopping at a local thrift store and bought some new HUGE, thick, sturdy glasses because my kids had managed to break almost all my glasses and we were down to mostly coffee mugs and plastic "free" cups from pizza places. I stuck the new items in the dishwasher and before I could even USE them for the first time, one was broken. Yep, one of my kids broke one of the glasses while unloading the dishwasher. Sigh....