Psalm 22

In you our fathers put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered
them.

They cried to you and were saved;
in you they trusted
and were not disappointed.

A friend of mine suggested that I use the Psalms to remind me of God's love and compassion. I have chosen this Psalm and will place it in my pocket for the next couple of days to bolster me when I am anxious and stressed in the face of three needful children.

I have already started singing my chosen song too; Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.

What have I to fear, What have I dread.
Leaning on the ever lasting arm;
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarm.
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

When I worked at Gould Farm, after breakfast and morning meeting we would sing our morning hymn around the piano. This was one of my favorites. It was always such a nice way to start the day. Gould farm was where I experienced God daily in the work, out in nature and in the relationships fostered there. Gould Farm was also the place where God called me to seminary.

So I will lean on the Psalms, an old favorite hymn that gives me hope and my memories of Gould farm as I quietly and patiently open my heart to God's call.

Right this very minute, I am at peace.

I am forgiven, yet I do not trust it

This morning I spoke to my son about last night. I apologized to him. I took it all back. I tried to make him understand. He forgave me. He said "Its alright" and he went on to explain that my sitting in the family room while he falls asleep makes him less afraid. (I did this last night when I could not reason with him.)

Again just before he was getting out of the car at school I said again how sorry I was. Again he said, "Its alright". And you know I longed to hear that it was ok between us but I realize that I do not believe it. Which is why I apologized twice and why I still think there is something more I need to do to make it right.

I was called to the Psalms this morning. This is not like me. I am not a Bible reader. I love the Bible. I believe the Bible and I know the stories in it but I do not comb over it. But the Psalms called to me. The Psalmist was calling to God, asking to be heard, trusting that God was there and he was loved. And then it occurred to me... I don't believe it. I don't believe I am forgiven for not being a better mother. And I don't believe that six year old boy can offer me forgiveness and know what that means.

I know I need a change of heart. A deeper understanding of how God is working in my life.

Marianne Williamson, in Illuminata, has a prayer that has always spoken to me. It is something I have incorporated into my prayers to God... "help me to be the person you want me to be." But you know, I prayer more with my kids than I do alone. I have lost my voice. My relationship with God is broken. The line is cut. Funny for a seminary graduate, I think, but its true. Life has gotten the best of me, my kids and this big house and I have lost a lot. Not that I do not love my family and the blessings we share but I once knew what God called me to do. Then I had kids and its all a blur. It seems I am aimless.

I want to be a good mom. I want my kids to look back and NOT remember how terrible I could be. But how loving and affirming. But I do not know how to let go of my impatience and irritability. I wait for God to show me... to tell me.. to speak to me but I just drift along trying to get through the day. And hoping to do better tomorrow.

I am anxious for that still small voice. Maybe I need to sit more quietly. I do not know. I am so so sad, frustrated and angry at myself.

The Gospel of John

Cullen and I have been watching The Gospel of John. I have really enjoyed it. And watching it with a six year old allows some wonderful teaching time too. This movie is word for word from the Gospel and it is done very well. The cinematography is breathtaking and the acting is superb.

I am very surprised at how interested both Cullen and Avery are in this film and how many questions they have. I am also much surprised at how intensely I am watching it. The Gospel really comes alive and words you have heard all your life become alive on the screen.

I really avoid drama in movies as much as possible. Movies are really an escape for me. But this movie is a wonderful reminder of my rootedness in Christianity and the great gift of grace.