Connor loves all thing Thomas.
But I bet that will change by next year so
I just had to see him in this costume.
Happy Halloween!

"It makes me look fat!"

This morning was so cold here. The heat actually kicked on. So my first thought when I got out of bed was to make sure the kids were dressed warmly for the bus ride. I took Avery out this weekend to buy her warm clothes so I knew she had clothes to wear. I grabbed some long pants for Cullen and a matching tee shirt. I handed them to him and asked him where his sweatshirt coat was. He had left it at school 2 days in a row and it was still there. *sigh* So while the children again ate pancakes with strawberries and whip cream, (yup Daddy upped the anti once again) I went back to Cullen's room for a sweater or something. I found instead a pull over navy blue sweat shirt. Nothing outlandish about this sweatshirt. Nothing at all.

I went back upstairs and put it on him while he was still eating. He started moaning and saying "get it off me". He was pulling at it and as his father and I insisted that he wear it til he got to school he actually started crying. I was dumb founded. At this point I was trying to get Avery dressed. She is always my hardest because it the clothes in any way upset her comfort she will not wear it. He never wears pants or leggings because she does not like how they feel around her crotch. I geuss she wants to be "free". But she helped me pick out her new clothes and they all had leggings for warmth. I also spent a good 15 minutes trying on shoes with her. We decided on 2 pair, exactly the same except for color, and she now tells me she "hates" them. *shakes head and sighs* But compared to her brother she hardly made a peep.

As we were leaving the house, Cullen mumbled that the sweatshirt made him look "fat". WHAT?! I thought this was something a girl was conerned about when she got into her teens. Here was my 7 year old boy worrying about it. I am dumbfounded. Cullen has always been very concerned about how others see him and about being accepted. That is why he is constantly trying to sit in the back of the bus. The kids back there gave him a hard time once and he so wants to be included. He tells me daily what seat number he sat in and had no trouble at all. But that he understands in some way that he is judged by his weight is very unsettling and sad.

I struggled with my body image all my life. And now that I am the heaviest I have every been I look back and realize that when I was in high school and college I looked great. I would die to have that body back. But even then I was unhappy with it. I don't want my son OR daughter to struggle with this issue all their life. But I am at a loss as to how to counter it, especially in a culture that reinforces "acceptable" body images in television shows, commercials and even print.

I have never mentioned weight to him or stressed the need to be thin. How can I with the way I am looking right now. But Cullen must be getting messages from us. His Dad is dieting and trying to get to a certain weight. There is no hiding the fact that I need to lose weight too. I may be sending out my own negative vibes. But I think my course of action is not to focus on the weight issue but more on his need to fit in and be accepted. Those things are important at his developmental age but he also needs to develop a sense of self that he can hold onto independent of the world around him. I know, easier said then done!

I don't want to be thought of as mean spirited...

but this was just too funny!

Personal writing

I was cleaning off some rewritable disks today and found some old writings. Included in what I found were Cullen and Avery's birth stories. I am so glad to have found them.

I also found this writing that my mother asked me to compose. She was presenting a lay sermon at her church on divorce and was looking for the perspective of a child of divorce. Here is what I came up with. This was written in 2004.

Strangely, as a sit here writing this I can not but think how marvelously odd it is that for the last few years I am have been a stay-at-home-mom of two young children. I am living the life my mother struggled to leave behind for her own good and the good of her children. My parents divorce is possibly the event that most formed my life. It is one of my first memories filled with the trauma and disillusionment that onlythe break up of a family can create. But out of it came a shy mousy girl child who grew into a strong minded, articulate and capable woman.

As a child I longed for my father's return and for my parents to be together. But that is the longing of niavete. As I grew older I began to understand what my life would have been like had it remained on the path it was on before my parents seperated. I would never had gone to college or obtained my Masters. And though I may have been more comfortable relating to boys and men with a father in my life, I would probably have been a young mother married to an alcoholic like my father. It took the courage my mother found within herself to change the direction of all our lives. The long standing debate about whether children are better off if parents stay together for the sake of the children or dissolve a a bad marriage resulting in happier, more well-adjusted children seems to be played out in our lives. Though I can only speak for myself. I had three siblings who may answer the question differently. We have all taken different paths in life. I like to say that we are all reflections of my mother. My older brother is a driven corporate exectutive. My sister is a townie, tied to the place we grew up and the people she has known since childhood, afraid to move beyond the safety of what she knows.. My younger brother is the caretaker. I frequently get phone calls from him updating me on other members in the family. I am that part of my mother who wanted more. A woman who knew she had the talent and intellect to succeed on her own. It was only after the divorce that my mother became an individual for me, someone who was powerful and has an effect on the world around her. It is strange to realize that before my father left us I have only blurred memories of my mother. She became solid in my memory only after he was gone.

From an early age my mother told me that I could be anything that I wanted to be. Little did I know at the time that she was trying to tell me that my gender was not to deter me from my goals. I took her at her word and wanted desperately to be a cat. I figured it would happen at about age 16 when I could wear knee socks and come into my own power. Girls at 16 were powerful, it seemed to me. My mom also influenced me with the music of Helen Reddy and Carol King and Marlo Thomas' "Free to Be You and Me." I want my children to know that its alright if boys cry or play with dolls, marriage does not have to be the main goal of a girls life and that what you do for a living does not have to be defined by your gender.

Before my parents divorce at the age of 7 or so, the blurry memories I have are of a mom that stayed home and a father who came home at the end of the day. I never knew what my dad did. At that age it was all a mystery. I do remember my father having a set of barber tools and maybe he did cut hair for a time. But I don't think he did anything for very long. Really I do not remember... and I didn't care. For me my father was the hero... the prince in the fairy tales. He could do no wrong. I lived to sit on his lap when he was home at night. His attention made me feel special. I knew I was safe when he was around. These memories are more like vague feelings and these glimpses into the past I now have much suspicion of because the reality just did not jive. When my father left.... he was gone.

The job facing me then was trying to understand and make sense of what I did to make him leave. Just as I had the wonderful mythology of how I would change into a cat, I had made up some great story in my mind of how I drove him off. I was so afraid my brothers and sister would find out it was my fault that daddy was gone. The truth was, I had just learned the word divorce at school. Someone's parents were divorced or going through a divorce. It was such a foreign concept to me and I remember feeling happy that both my parents were at home. I was in the third grade. It wasn't long after learning the word that divorce was happening in my world.

What I do know is that my father's absence from my life and my mother's strong presence shaped me. The path of my life, in some respects, was determined by what my mother's was at my age. I was to do the opposite. I went to college after graduating high school. My mother was by then a mother twice over. I attended a women's college and excelled without the pressure of competing with men. They had never been necessary in my life before and in academics this was also true. Needless to say I was not a social butterfly nor an experienced dater. At this point in my life I had never been on a date. I never thought about marriage. My mom raised four kids alone. It never occurred to me that I couldn't do the same if I had to. It wasn't that I had anything against marriage. I just had very little experience with what that looked like in a family. To me a family was led by a strong mother who took care of everything and everyone. My father's absence in my life gave me reason to question whether I was worthy of love and also whether someone who said they loved me would actually stay the course. But in spite of these early lessons which played out in my life for a time with another man, I met and married my husband Edward who amazes me with his generosity and steadfastness. The first few months after marrying him were spent in tears worrying that he would leave... that I would never be prepared for it and he would be gone. He reassured me that this would not happen but it was only with time that I have learned to trust that he will come home.

So here I am at home with a two and a half year old and an eight month old. And like all mothers I struggle with the choice to be at home. I am blessed to be here with them. I never thought that financially I would be able to stay at home with my children. And understanding my mother's experience I didn't think I could be happy and fulfilled staying at home. When I chose to stay home after just receiving my Masters from Vanderbilt Divinity School, I felt for a time that I was betraying my mother. However, I came to understand that the difference between my mother and me is that I got to choose this for myself. I had my first child at 36 and have lived a good part of my life before having children obtaining my education, traveling a bit and working in the field of my choice. So now I take a little hiatus from that part of my life to be with my children. I realize that staying home is as hard as going out to work. I remember as a child people telling me how amazing and strong my mom was. I was always a bit confused by the fact that people saw her that way. I wondered how she was being "amazing" and "strong". I took for granted all that she had to be to take care of us. As I grew I came to realize how much it took to take care of us and how much she accomplished for herself at the same time. But it wasn't until I had children that I understood all that she sacrificed for us and how hard she had to work to give us the lives we all live now. I am in a strong marriage partly because my mother chose to end her own... I can stay home with my children without regret because my mother showed me that I could be not only a mother but anything I wanted to be. I never did change into a cat but I did transform through the years into everything my mother wanted for me and more.

Pancake Madness

Ok not sure what is up with Doc these days. Every morning he makes a full pancake breakfast for the kids. Huh? It use to be that it was a special occasion kind-of-thing but now its a daily event. I just hope he can keep it up cause I am not picking up the slack. This past weekend he upped the anti with fruit toppings AND sausage. (headplantdesk)

We have about 40 minutes to get the kids out of bed, dressed and fed. It has always been Doc's responsibility to feed the kids while I wake the stragglers, track down clothes and shoes for the day and get myself dressed. They have to be at the bus stop for 6:30 am pick up. Yes, it is crazy!

I am really happy that they are getting a great breakfast. If we ran our of the time int he past I would just toss them a breakfast cookie or pop tart. But now they are leaving the house with a full stomach ready for the day. Makes me very happy.

Doc says that he loves to watch them eat what he cooks. He says its the best part of cooking. Does he sound like an old Italian woman to you?

Thanks Doc, for the pancake madness!

Ok I know we have seen this before...

but I feel it my duty to post it here to educate men through reinforcement, especially my husband, who I love dearly. But in almost 10 years of marriage still does not understand! He did send me this just now in an email so I know he sees the truth in it. But will he remember during the nitty gritty?


NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up
   
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' -which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
8. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!!!!
9. Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3

No Cavities!

Well after years of procrastination I took the kids to their first dentist appointment. I know I am a bad parent. But my experience with the dentist came to a pinnacle when he went into my mouth and ripped a molar out without any forewarning and then did it again 4 minutes later. What trauma!

So between my anxiety about dentistry and my oldest's fear of ALL things new I put it off... for years. lol

However, it could not be put off forever. Cullen has gotten a good number of permanent teeth and they were looking yellow. I was horrified. I had strategized with my friend Vikki and Edward about how to lesson the trauma for Cullen. We decided that we would make an appointment for Avery and if she survived then he would be far less likely to collapse in tears on the waiting room floor. My little red head is afraid of nothing. So we put her to the test.

Anyway, they did just great. The hygienist was gentle and explained everything to them. The got to wear sunglasses while she checked their teeth. They took their x-rays without a problem. And the office is wired! The computer than displayed their x-rays one minute can be programmed to cartoon network the next. They had a big fire engine for Connor to play with and they brought bean bag chairs in for the kids to sit in. Very kid friendly. I am not a fan of cartoon network and luckily we wrapped it up right as Sponge Bob was coming on.

The only sad thing about the visit is that I had Dr Chapman look at Connor's bite. And we were told that Connor needs to stop sucking his thumb. Not surprising but wow I still sucked my thumb way into grammar school. I told Connor, who is almost three, that the doctor said he needed to stop sucking his thumb cause it was hurting his mouth. He looked at me sweetly and say "oh" and then I could see his mind whirling as he tried to figure out what to do with his thumb if it weren't in his mouth. It was very cute. Connor goes back for his own appointment this afternoon.

And, the yellow on Cullen's teeth was fine. It seems that permanent teeth are darker than baby teeth which makes them look yellow. But they were perfectly fine. Yay!

No Cavities!

And he's funny too!

Colin Powell endorses Obama!

I am so excited about this endorsement. Most endorsements are of no surprise when they are announced. My response is mostly, "So what?" But this is really BIG. Not only is Gen. Powell a Republican but a former member of "W" administration.

I have always liked Colin Powell,. I was always kind of perplexed by his politics. But I wanted to like him. When he left the Bush Administration I was warmed. I have no idea why he left, except what the media reports but still I felt there was some hope that maybe not everyone saw Bush through rose-colored glasses.

This endorsement crosses party lines. And it kinda wipes the "Obama is not ready to lead" off the page. Powell said some very nice things about Obama, including that he is the better person to handle the economic challenges that lay ahead. And more importantly to me, Powell addresses some of the prejudices so boldly alive in our country.

"I'm also troubled by, not what Senator McCain says, but what members of the [Republican] Party say... such things as 'Well, you know that Mr Obama is a Muslim'.

"Well the correct answer is, 'He's not a Muslim, he's a Christian, he's always been a Christian'. But the really right answer is, "What if he is?' Is there something wrong with being a Muslim in this country? The answer is 'No', that's not America."

I knew I liked this man!

I have had ENOUGH! Who needs McCain or Obama ...

when you have a
New Candidate for President

If you are looking for an alternative to the same old same old
then have I got an alternative for you!

I wish they would let Sarah Palin speak!

Palin's interview with Katie Couric was embarrassing. I may not agree with Palin's politics but she does represent the women of this nation and I cringed everytime I saw her answers to Couric's questions. At first I thought Palin was just obtuse. But I know from sound bites I have seen that she is intelligent and can communicate well.

I tell you, I was scared to death thinking this was who would take office if McCain dies while serving as president. But now I actually beleive that she has been coached to be unclear and non direct in her answers. Politics drives me crazy. Because your vote and mine are on the line politicians feel like they can not say clearly what they stand for because its too black and white. They have to forfeit votes on one side of the issue or the other.

**POST DEBATE COMMENTARY**

I was so happy that they let Palin be herself. She is engaging and charming. Biden's focus on McCain rather than Palin was a great strategy because it saved him from being a female basher. And really we are talking about the next president and those he brings with him. I have no real interest in seeing a debate focused on vice presidential picks and their appropriateness for the job. I wish Palin was on my side though. She is an admirable woman even if I don't admire her politics. Let her be herself!

Mattress Aggression

I had to blog about this... last night I went to bed at 8pm. I had a headache and could not stop yawning. I fell asleep fast.

Tick, tock, tick, tock. Four and a half hours later Doc comes to bed. He wakes me as he is coming in the door... and proceeds to turn ON the light. Why? Because he can not see! What? I walk in the dark everywhere. I know every corner of every piece of furniture and how many steps it takes to get from the bed to the door. Its all stored in the brain, isn't it. So after he turns off the bedroom light and walks back into the hallway to turn off that light. He makes the dangerous journey back to the bed. He is slapping the footboard of the bed and then the mattress up to the pillow and then the pillow itself. Does he think its going to move or disappear between the time he slaps it once to the next slap? I am very confused at this point but I just giggle at him. "What?" he says like he is not doing anything any clear minded sight challenged person wouldn't do.

Now mind you I have not moved this whole time. Doc climbs in bed and my leg touches his knee. He accuses me of encroaching on "sacred ground"... i.e. his mattress space. When I do not adjust myself accordingly he accuses me of mattress aggression. I asked him three times if he said "mattress aggression" because what a turn of phrase that is for this little domestic occurence. I about lost it and at the same time knew I was going to have to blog about it.

Well not to much time passes and I have to accuse him of pajama aggression. No need to go into details I am sure BUT he did say that I mislead him because pajamas are two piece and I only was wearing one. So technically it was nightgown agression. *sigh*

Really now, who is being aggressive, I ask you?