Thursday, October 25, 2007

Why Can't I Get This Right?

Again I lost it with Cullen. I am just so spent when it comes to his irrational fears and his tears. I hate that he feels this way but I don't have any answers. And the answers he has are only ones that reinforce his fears. He wants me to stay with him until he falls asleep or sleep in my bed until "daddy gets home." And it doesn't help that its at the end of the day when I am looking forward to quiet "me" time. I just want the children to go to sleep without fussing. Going to sleep doesn't have to be hard. I LOVE going to sleep.

The other night we were heading to bed and I turned the heat on for the first time this season. The alarm went off when "that" burning smell happened. It beeped about twice. I was sitting on Cullen's bed getting ready to say our bedtime prayers when it went off. I got up to check out where the noise was coming from and Cullen yelled my name. I reassured him and came back into the bedroom. Edward came in behind me. I just knew this was the beginning of an upset. I looked at Edward and said "oh, great." We tried to explain to him what it was and that it was normal but either he doesn't believe us or thinks we are just plain wrong. Cause on and on he went with the weeping and wailing. I finally left him with his father because I just am at a loss and end up saying thing I regret.

Earlier the same day he freaked out in the car when I walked Avery into ballet. I came out five minutes later and he was crying and had my license in his hand as if he was going to report me missing. I don't know. Why can he believe that I am NOT going to leave him. Why? It makes me feel terrible that he doesn't trust that. And I don't know what I did to make him believe it.. to make him so certain. This has happened over half a dozen times in recent weeks. He told me this morning next time we go to his friend Jack's house I have to tell him where I am at all times cause he got "lost" there and couldn't find me. Well I had stepped out back to see the girls jumping on the trampoline. He came outside crying cause he thought I had left him. *sigh*

I am so so sad, frustrated and angry. A big bad jumble of emotions. This is just wearing on me. I asked Edward if he thought Cullen needed some help through counseling. He assured me that Cullen will grow out of this. But I wonder if I will survive.

Dear God, help me not to ruin this boy!

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