Friday, October 26, 2007

I am forgiven, yet I do not trust it

This morning I spoke to my son about last night. I apologized to him. I took it all back. I tried to make him understand. He forgave me. He said "Its alright" and he went on to explain that my sitting in the family room while he falls asleep makes him less afraid. (I did this last night when I could not reason with him.)

Again just before he was getting out of the car at school I said again how sorry I was. Again he said, "Its alright". And you know I longed to hear that it was ok between us but I realize that I do not believe it. Which is why I apologized twice and why I still think there is something more I need to do to make it right.

I was called to the Psalms this morning. This is not like me. I am not a Bible reader. I love the Bible. I believe the Bible and I know the stories in it but I do not comb over it. But the Psalms called to me. The Psalmist was calling to God, asking to be heard, trusting that God was there and he was loved. And then it occurred to me... I don't believe it. I don't believe I am forgiven for not being a better mother. And I don't believe that six year old boy can offer me forgiveness and know what that means.

I know I need a change of heart. A deeper understanding of how God is working in my life.

Marianne Williamson, in Illuminata, has a prayer that has always spoken to me. It is something I have incorporated into my prayers to God... "help me to be the person you want me to be." But you know, I prayer more with my kids than I do alone. I have lost my voice. My relationship with God is broken. The line is cut. Funny for a seminary graduate, I think, but its true. Life has gotten the best of me, my kids and this big house and I have lost a lot. Not that I do not love my family and the blessings we share but I once knew what God called me to do. Then I had kids and its all a blur. It seems I am aimless.

I want to be a good mom. I want my kids to look back and NOT remember how terrible I could be. But how loving and affirming. But I do not know how to let go of my impatience and irritability. I wait for God to show me... to tell me.. to speak to me but I just drift along trying to get through the day. And hoping to do better tomorrow.

I am anxious for that still small voice. Maybe I need to sit more quietly. I do not know. I am so so sad, frustrated and angry at myself.

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