We were not ready for Katrina. I remember hearing about her forming and scoffing at such a wimpy name. And then all of a sudden we had a day to get out cause she was a-comin'. And boy did she come.
So the phone call was nice. It basically reminded me that my little world is not a cocoon and that it is vulnerable to many an outside influence. And that we can not keep them out. They invade. The dig in. The sweep through and flood us. And the only thing we can do is do what we can do. And once they do invade and become part of the reality everyone has feelings about them.
This evening we were out cleaning up the yard and porches of anything that could go flying or floating away. Now because we were taking these precautions Cullen was fearful that water was going to come up and under the door. And he is worried about the wind because I mentioned somethings about it. He wants me to come to bed cause he is worried I will be so tired and grumpy. haha But what he really wants is my closeness. As if I can keep the wind and the rain at bay.
I can not fix things. I can not control things. No matter how much I would like too. No matter how much Cullen hopes I can. The pain of life consumes us sometimes. In little boys fears it is especially consuming. In the face of death and broken relationships there is only holding on until the grief subsides. And maybe one day instead of focusing on the wind and the rain we see the clearing clouds and the sky and finally the sun. But its all gradual. It happens incrementally. For Cullen I want it now. The innocence and cluelessness that comes with trusting life and its goodness. He can never go back. Papa Roy's death changed him or magnified him. His wonderful imagination has been contorted and betrays him.
Suddenly the locks on the doors are important. And whether the gate at the end of the driveway is closed. And "thiefs in the night." And if I do close the gates on a whim he wants to know why, as if I am keeping some terrible lurking evil from him. The other day some sales people came to the house while I was mowing the lawn. I told them I had no time to speak with them and they said they would return later in the day. Well I thwarted them. I closed the gate. I explained to Cullen when he asked that I did not want to talk to the people who were trying to sell me cleaning products. He quizzed me on my behavior and who these people were and why they were coming back and when. I kept them at bay all afternoon but they did breach our fortress when Edward did not close the gates when he returned from work. We were all upstairs and the house was dark downstairs. They had their front headlights on the front of the house and were knocking on the door. I was playing Go-Fish with the kids at the kitchen table when I head the dogs barking. I moved the kids to the bedroom and told Edward I was not answering the door. And again questions of why and who and what? And then... "I am scared."
For this little boys there is a storm around every corner both imaginary and real. I can only protect him from them by denying them which just seems counter productive. I try to be honest with him in every way I can. I weigh how to say things but I always try to tell him the truth and then I brace for the storm.