Holiday Melancholy Sets In

I have all these plans for our first Christmas here at the house. Mostly it has to do with food. I am going to bake lots of treats to have around and make a yummy Christmas dinner. I got my list ready... brownies, marshmallow fudge, pumpkin pies and Struffala, an old time Italian tradition. This is what a mom does, right. I know my mom in law bakes every holiday... the same traditional treats that her family has come to look forward to and appreciate. So here I go, jumping into the fray.

I got the kids and I off to the store early to get all the rest of the ingredients I would need. We were back at home before 9am. The whole time we were in the store I was a bear. The kids could do no good and every other person there was just in my way. I couldn't get anything done without feeling frustration up to my ears. When we got home I promptly fell into bed and lightly napped for 2 hours and yelling at the older two on and off to be quiet. They were playing Santa Claus while I was playing Scrooge.

I have been trying to figure out why I am in such a funk. The last two nights I have had dreams that Doc has left me. I hate those dreams. Its a deep seeded insecurity I have from back when my father left. It rears its lovely head every once in a while. I think I also referred to this in yesterdays post. Christmas is not magical for me. I get hints of it's magic... mostly at church during worship. There the feelings of so profound of God's goodness that nothing else matters. But this "other" Christmas has no magic except when the light in my kids faces reminds me of something I use to experience myself.

So having the ingredients for holiday treats and dinner at home ... on the counter or put way... just that much closer to their yummy reality didn't change anything. Cause its not the food that make Christmas special. Food is only an ingredient. Maybe I have some other ingredients missing but what are they? I have the tree... the lights, the wreaths, my favorite ornaments, the presents for under the tree and I am still feel a bit sad, grumpy and easily annoyed.