NaBlaMoPo button

I made this to celebrate the end of NaBlaMoPo. Feel free to save it to your own computer. All I ask is that you leave a comment so my curiosity is assuaged. Thanks and congrats on finishing NaBlaMoPo!

Tripping over the NaBloPoMo finish line

Phew its over! I made it too the end! Thank you very much. And I am glad cause I could never remember how to actually spell NaBloPoMo or what it actually stood for... the brain had to kick in every time. My brain doesn't like to kick in!

I thought in celebration I would list some of the things I actually followed through on and finished. Here goes:

1. My 3 full term pregnancies. Each baby was born with all their fingers and toes and at a good weight. My last came early but he was done.
2. Getting dressed this morning. I know I am fully dressed cause I got no strange looks while out and about today.
3. I finished my small, skinny raspberry latte without a problem this morning. Its like gold since I went from the large to the small. =(
4. I completed the 1 mile walk with the kids and Doc last night. The mile is not so hard. Its dragging the 3 kids along that is a challenge.

Ok that is about it. Can not think of anymore without my brain kicking in and I already told you how my brain likes it quiet around here.

I am going to clean the kitchen from start to finish this morning. AND clean out the refrigerator. I hope to finish that as long as the mold spores and noxious fumes don't get me first.

7 Random Facts about me

Wow thanks to KellyJean for tagging me! I must be somebody on the web, if only a dead little stuck insect, to be actually "tagged." So here is where I list 7 facts about me, random to be sure cause there is no rhyme of reason.

1. I went to Vanderbilt Divinity School. This is very random cause even my pastor, who is somewhat new, did not know. I guess I hide it well, my divinity, I mean.
2. I grew up going to dog shows. Not the breed type where you see 10 of the same dog and they are judging the standard of the breed, like weight, height, coloring etc. I grew up going to Obedience dog shows where dogs do scent retrieval, 3 minute stays while their owners leave their site. Yup 10 dogs lines up and sitting. Their owners leave the ring and stay gone for 3 - 5 minutes. Or a down on recall where a dog is called by its owner from across the ring and half way to the other side is motioned (no voice) to drop to a laying down position. Or scent retrieval where the dog has to retrieve a metal dumbbell, picking the one dumbbell that has his/her owners scent on it. All pretty amazing stuff.
   
3. I met my husband on a psychiatric ward. I will do no explaining of this just to drive Doc crazy.
4. I was a virgin til I was 35. Wow does that sound ridiculous? But its true.
5. I love anchovies on my pizza. Anchovies are small, salty fish. The are kinda like sardines but way better and smaller. Doc doesn't want my anchovies anywhere near his vanilla, unadventurous pizza. He says that the anchovy flavor gets absorbed by the other pizza. If I the pizza maker is really stingy with the anchovies I can be very nasty. Doc has actually had me order the anchovies on the side, which means they deliver a can of them just so they do not contaminate the rest of the food.
   
6. Since I started taking medication for anxiety, I have less inclination to clean my house. The organizational skills I have always been known for and which took me far in my jobs was a result of my trying to control the stress and anxiety in my life. But now I have none and my life is a mess.
7. I am on a year long journey to find some patience or learn it or foster it.. or something. But its taking way to long.
   

Here is where I tag seven people to do as I just did but I can only come up with five so here they are... including my 2 nieces who I did think of but they are not on the blog link list I was referencing so I overlooked them. Please forgive my "rudeness"!

1. Belinda at Ninja Poodles. I love her writing and read her daily.
2. Elysa at Musings from Graceland. I always love to learn more about her.
3. Cathy from Arkie Mama. I love her perspective and sense of humor.
4. Kyran at Notes to Self. She has a wonderful voice and her writing is beautiful.
5. Karen at Surviving Motherhood. Her honesty and encouragement are priceless.
6. Betsie from Daydreams, Raindrops, Explorations, and Pondering. I don't want to be dirt.
7. Anna at My Life in Randomness. Again, I don't want to be dirt!

So, here are the meme rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2) Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3) Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4) Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Now go visit a blog you never have visited before and leave a comment. Come on, 1 new blog. You can do it!

Migraine... what a pain in the neck!

I have been suffering from a migraine for the last 2 days. I finally broke down and went to the chiropractor after sleep, medicine, neck exercises and yelling at my kids did not help. I have a degenerative disc disorder in my neck. I have had these headaches forever. Going to the chiropractor after my 2nd child was a lifesaver. At that point I had headaches that would last days, the middle of my back was numb and would go out leaving me in bed for hours and my lower back had swelling on the spine due to holding my child on my hip too much. I was rotating my pelvis.

Anyway, regular visits every 6 weeks or so to the Chiropractor has made such a difference. I love you Dr. Bismark. But my headaches have returned with a vengeance. There are all sorts of reasons for migraines including hormonal and stress on the muscles and ligaments. My neck actually crunches when I move it because my muscles are so tight. I really hate that crunchy sound. But its a warning to be to change something.

I play too much on the computer which does not help. The height of the monitor, the need for my knee to higher than my hips all impact my neck. The doctor explained the need to not put stress on my lower back and on my neck. I have issues there as well. Apparently these are the two curvatures we retain from the fetal position. So when you stress the lower back it compounds the stress on the neck. I do exercises after I get up from the computer to loosen my shoulders and stretch the neck muscles. The constriction of the neck muscles is what starts a migraine for me. Even after all this I still can not get them to go away. I can go about 2 weeks before the headaches start and they will last for days if I do not get to the chiropractor.

Yesterday he suggested an incline table. I am going to have to look into them. They are $150 at the sports store with a 30 return policy if i absolutely hate it. What puts me off about them is they are not pretty. I would have to find a place in my house for it and would have to look at it when not in use.

All this to say, I have no energy to blog, clean or be patient with my children. Constant pain induces depression. Luckily for me after getting to bed a 8pm last night and sleeping 10 hours I feel 100 times better. Thank goodness for Dr Bismark, Ibuprofen and sleep.

Laundry

Oh its Tackle It Tuesday again! My husband hates Tackle It Tuesday because I air our dirty laundry on the internet.At Thanksgiving, he and my sister-in-law, Elysa, were talking about how I posted the underside of our bed. Both were incredulous but in subtly different ways.

Well guess what? Today I actually am tackling laundry! haha! So I really got him now. I asked him which of three things he wanted me to tackle. He chose the laundry. And by the pictures you can see why! Edward is always asking me whether he has any under garments available to wear. He has even started doing loads of laundry himself to make sure. I am so proud of him!

I must explain these pictures a bit... so you don't think to badly of us. Edward would hate to think you all are looking down on us. The red chair is full of CLEAN laundry that needs to be folded and put away. The couch has a small pile of CLEAN laundry from my shifting it this morning while I was looking for my older sons long pants. I know he has some long pants somewhere! The laundry room floor was made a mess by my daughter who had all her dolls in these and was playing house. Yes its a mess but she made it messier. (This paragraph is for you Edward. *kiss*)

This is a big job. It doesn't just entail folding and putting away clothes. First I need to go through my 6 and 4 year olds drawers and clean them out. There is stuff in three they never wear or will be too small by the time they can wear it again. Cullen's clothes go into storage for Connor when he gets older. Avery's stuff goes to donation boxes or to friends.

Then the folding begins... and the putting away. The kids rooms are downstairs near the laundry room so I will fold their stuff there. Then I have to cart everything else up to the second floor. My husband's clothes and my own, as well as , my 2 year olds. All the kitchen laundry and the bathroom towels need to come upstairs. Can you see why I avoid it?! And then by avoiding it, it gets unmanageable so I avoid it some more.

But I am ready for a feeling of accomplishment. The spark of assurance that I might actually be able to manage my own household.

I am off to tackle this mess. If I do not update this post... you will know I was sucked into the mass of laundry never to be seen or heard from again. Aahhhhhh sweet oblivion!



Viola! Laundry mountain has been conquered, kinda! But my family room looks good, at least what is inside the camera lens. Til next time... aloha!

100 Miles in 100 Days Challenge

The VA where Edward works is starting a health challenge called 100 Miles in 100 Days. We decided to participate. It starts on Wednesday, November 28th. There is a kick off at the hospital that we are going to attend. Part of that will be walking our first miles together.

We have decided that every night when Edward gets home we will take our mile walk with the kids. From our front door, down the driveway to the main road and back should be about a mile. It is usually dark when Edward gets home so the kids may protest a bit but regardless we will do it. We agreed that the only reason we would not walk is rain. When I told our 6 year old the plan he looked incredulous and said, "What!" haha.

I think 100 miles should be easy in 100 days... but then again I have never tried to walk with my kids. Dragging children down the street and trying to keep my heart rate up seems quite a challenge in itself. Before I had kids I walked 3 miles a day. Its how I kept my weight down. But three children in 6 years and a reduction in my exercise has gotten the best of me. So no more excuses! The kids and I are going to have to buck up and just do it!

This is a great time to start this exercise challenge because tomorrow I attend my first Weight Watchers meeting. Oh my goodness, doing to things that are good for me at the same time... I might go on overload.

I got this conversion chart for those of you who do not want to walk but maybe would rather participate by doing another activity.

Mile Conversion:
Jogging 10 minutes = 1 mile
Stair Climbing 10 minutes = 1 mile
Rollerblading 15 minutes = 1 mile
Swimming 15 minutes = 1 mile
Cycling 15 minutes = 1 mile
Exercise Classes 15 minutes = 1 mile
Walking 20 minutes = 1 mile
Lifting Weights 20 minutes = 1 mile
Playing Sports 15-30 minutes = 1 mile depending on sport

School starts back tomorrow...

and the kids are in for a hard reality. Again, up, dressed, fed and out of the house before 6:50am. Can you say UGH!

Our school district has a system in which they can call every family in the schools with recorded messages. I have gotten calls from the school nurse telling us they found lice in the school. Messages about absences have been left on my voice mail and even a reminder that we were on a school break... "enjoy the week. School will start back on November 26. Please be on time. Happy Thanksgiving." That one annoyed me. Basically the message said, we don't want your kids at school next week cause we won't be there (duh) but we will start back next Monday. We want you there then and we want you on time, like all the parents had turned into slackers with a week off. And by the way, Happy Thanksgiving.

Anyway, it has been nice not to have to scramble, yell and herd children out of the house at an ungodly hour for the past week. But it is over. No more "slacking" for me. I have located the bull horn and whip that I had misplaced for the last week due to disuse. I am ready for the challenge. Whatever.

I am ready for my 4 years old's daily crying jag because the seat belt is twisted or her clothes are not laying right. I am ready for the 2 year old's repeated call for "juice mommy" "juuuiiiicccceeee!" when we have to rush out without it. And the guttural Damen like quality of his little voice. I am ready for the 6 year olds tears as he asks me not to leave him while the cars behind me in the drop off line pile up.

I am ready for the trip to elementary school and then my daughters preschool to drop off the two older ones. The losing debate in my head as to whether I can afford to spend the $3 for a raspberry latte, (actually this is not to bad a thing in itself) and the quick ride home to clean up breakfast dishes, get the baby a nap and then wake him in time to go pick up the 4 years old... only to rush home, get lunch, spend 40 minutes wandering around wondering what I can accomplish in such a little window and then the shuffling out again with two small ones in tow to pick up the 6 year old while avoiding the pick up line which requires parking across the street from the school, unloading the two little ones, traipsing across the street to wait and grab my boy. Then make the trek back across the street and hope the crossing guard takes pity on me and doesn't make me wait too too long. Then pack the kiddos all back up... ride home and squander 3 hours before Daddy comes home and rescues me.

I love it all! I miss it. Wouldn't you?

9 hours and counting... tick tick tick... and we are off to the races.

Deck the Blogs

I had just made a new seasonal Paint Shop Pro tutorial on my website, ThatGirl Designs, and was looking for another project. As I was flitting about the blogosphere I ran into a fun contest called Deck the Blogs and so I went at redesigning my blog for the month of December.

The above header is the result. "Oh what fun it is to... decorate my blog! hey!"

So join in the fun and win some great prizes too. Follow the link to the contest rules.

Nougatocity or Marketing 101

I was eating a Snickers bar last night and noticed inside the wrapper was some printed words. I was intrigued but way more interested in my Snickers bar. I know you understand. I thought maybe it was a contest of some sort... you know the kind where you have to go online and enter some code. I hate those. Any marketer reading this blog entry should take note. I H-A-T-E those type of contest and will not participate. Why do they make us work so hard to see the words... "sorry, maybe next time"?

So anyway, the wrapper was sitting in front of me on the desk and again I caught a glimpse of writing inside. So curiosity get the best of me. Here is what I found in bold print.

Nougatocity \nu-gat-a-si-tE\ (noun)
A heightened yet fleeting state of accomplishment
that makes you realize how unbelievably
unmotivated you normally are

Of all the audacity! Why are those marketers treating me with such disdain? Is it not their job to make me feel beautiful, sexy and successful IF I eat one of their wonderfully delicious candy bars? Did I not meet my end of the bargain. Come on fellas, I don't want reality shoved in my face. I know you went to school for this stuff. The glue that holds this country together and makes it great is made up of this sludge. Get it right or I am gonna start eating a candy bar that does a better job at giving me what I truly need... caramel, nugget and a pack of lies.

Thanks

Connor's love affair with all things "choo choo"

My son Connor is going through his "train" phase. All my kids did. They have gotten to obsessed with trains that our life revolves around whether there is a train coming or going and "chasing" it down. We live on the Gulf Coast of Mississippi and there is a rail line going right through our town. It basically cuts it in half. So we are constantly crossing the tracks, hearing trains and or stopping for them. This is the "jackpot" in eyes of my 2 year old. I admit, if I am not late for an appointment I will make it a point to sit at the tracks for the length of a train. They are coming of the long bayou bridge so when they hit land they are going slow. Sometimes getting stuck at a train crossing can be an all day event.

Connor is great at hearing the trains while they are way far down the line. He will look at me and say "choo choo" over and over and then "come on Mommy" as if we can someway meet it along its journey east or west. "Come on Mommy!" A trip to Wal*Mart with all the Thomas stuff takes about as long as a train crossing. And its too expensive to just "pick up" a piece. But luckily Connor had his 2 year old birthday only a few weeks ago. He got a wonderful ride on Thomas train which he loves! And now all three kids have a vehicle to ride around in circles on, chasing each other and basically driving me insane with the noise and mayhem.

When my oldest son was young, he too went through the "train" stage. We have Thomas the Tank Engine VHS from when he was smaller. Connor so wants to watch it. He carries the box around and asks me over and over. But for some reason the tape will not play in our machine. It will not rewind but rather shuts the machine off and gets spit out. So I am calling it a total loss. It must be thrown out... the tape that is. The box is worth its weight in gold by a little boys standard. The box may not replace actually meeting Thomas in person but it will have to do. Because to meet Thomas close up would put my son into the category of one of the luckiest kids in the world BUT I can also envision the screaming and crying that would happen when it was time to say goodbye. A box he will have forever!

Luckily Crazy Hip Blog Mamas is having week of DVD giveaways and Thomas is up for grabs. I am so putting in for this one. Maybe it will give me some peace and quiet around here for the 25 minutes it runs! Ooo what fun!

Hip Crazy Blog Mamas giveaway

Yup, another giveaway! Another thing to be hap, hap, happy about or more appropriately "thankful" about. This time Angelina Ballerina and The Silver Locket is up for grabs at Hip Crazy Blog Mamas. The only requirement to this giveaway is to post a blog entry about dancing or mice.

It would probably be easier for me to write about Angelina Jolie. Last night I had a dream that my husband disappeared for 4 days and when he returned he was more interested in what Angelina Jolie was saying and doing in my dream than he was in me. I asked him this morning after I work what he found so appealing about her... he denied any attraction and then went on to list who i should be worried about. Oh, how thankful I am for such a witty husband. But I digress...

Dancing or mice... well I can not for the life of me think of a story about mice. I have vague memories of a pet mouse we had as kids who kept breeding more and more little blind gray mice. I am not sure how that whole cycle stopped itself. I just hope it had nothing to do with a toilet and a quick cold hearted flush from an overwhelmed and fed up parent... but i digress again. *sigh*

So dancing, it is. My daughter takes ballet. It is on Wednesday, sandwiched in between Tuesday and Thursday's Taekwondo classes. On Tuesday and Thursday I am dragging 2 children to Taekwondo... but on Thursday it is only Avery who takes the class. Her brother says its a "girl" activity. I had really hoped to raised a progressive boy but some of these notions they are just born with... like the sticks=guns thing. A girl would never think of that. My daughter, she loves to dance. She has taken the VHS tape "I Want to be a Ballerina" out of the library at least 4 times. She visits the library with her father semi regularly all excited about what she is going to check out only to come home with the same tape. But she practices being a ballerina when she watches this tape. She practice the ballet walk and the ballet run, as well as walking on her tippy toes.

Of course, we do not have to wait to the inevitable reappearance of this particular tape to watch ballet. Avery loves Barbie and all Barbie movies, but especially the ones where she or many replicas of her dance and twirl. The 12 Dancing Princess is one of her favorites. She decides which of the princesses she is going to be for that sitting and acts out her part in earnest. Who knew Barbie would help her to grow her love of dance, really who knew? Not me. But the DVDs are lovely. I admit to watching most of them through once. The animation is done very well and the stories are full of girls doing amazingly brave things. That doesn't stop my daughter from wanting to be "beautiful". I wish it did. I always make it a point to emphasize how smart and courageous Barbie is being int he movie. Maybe it will make a difference someday. I can only hope.

Avery has her first recital this Spring in her new dance class. She wants her older brother to join her on stage so she won't be so afraid. Which is very funny since Avery is not afraid of anything really. She is my little spit fire red head. But her brother gives her courage. His existence is a joy to her. She plans on marrying him. And just as she does not understand yet that she can not marry her brother, much to his chagrin, she doesn't understand that "boys don't dance" either. Ooooo maybe I am raising a progressive girl after all.

How to be Thankful

1. Pay attention to the people around you. You will find that everybody has something to worry or complain about, not just you. It's easy to focus on those who seem to have it all, but you never know what's going on inside. They might look happy, but they might be miserable as well. Don't look at others and think "I should have it like they do." Look at those who aren't as fortunate as you are and take note of blessed you are. Count your blessings. If it helps, consider volunteering or start a relationship with someone who is not as fortunate and find small or gradual ways to help them.
2. Practice acceptance. Stop dwelling on how things should be, what could've been, and what you don't have. Recognize what you do have--whether you like it or not, it's yours to keep or to change. Accepting your lot in life is not about resigning yourself to unhappiness. It's about not wasting time wishing for what you don't have.
3. Become a problem solver. Use your lemons to make lemonade. Get in the habit of asking yourself how you can turn the negative into a positive. The most successful people in life, and those who have the most to be grateful for, are also those who've endured tremendous trials and managed to persevere and turn it all around.
4. Learn to see hardship as a chance to develop character. Imagine yourself looking back ten years from now and recounting your difficult circumstances, and being proud of how you handled it and worked through it.
5. Develop a gratitude journal. It's pretty simple. At the end of every day, write down five things that have made you happy or appreciative that day; not necessarily big things, even small ones count.
   • For example: 1) nice weather, 2) being thanked by a customer at work, 3) my pet, 4) having people who love me, 5) a funny joke or a song you like.
6. Take joy in the small things. Blow bubbles. Walk the dog. Get lost in the park. Goof off or watch a funny movie and have a good laugh. Life's treasures are the small pleasures; give thanks for each small gift you receive!

Today is Tuesday! Yay! Its the only day i feel productive cause Tackle It Tuesday makes me actually say what I am going to do and then do it!.

The problem is there is so much to do I am not sure where to start. I think I am going to choose the kitchen since its been a mess since the sink and dishwasher started backing up. $264 the rota rooter man made it right yesterday. So now I can clean and do dishes and basically live hygienically.





Oh it looks even nicer in the photos.. haha. You can't see that the floor needs washing still.
My kitchen is not as yellow as that but I have to do a photo correction because of all the windows.
If you look real close out the windows you can see the bayou.




I still need to tackle the refrigerator and microwave. They get piled with stuff.
Pictures sure can pinpoint where you need to focus attention in a room.
But I am satisfied. Off to take a shower and pick up the kiddos from Grandmommy's before they give her a breakdown. It seems my little red-head is not being a good listener.
Surprise, surprise!

A Throw Away Post

NaBlaPoMo will not get the best of me... but I am tired. The day has been uneventful and quiet since the two oldest are at their grandmommy's for the night.

My kitchen sink finally was fixed. Don't ask me about the bill. He had to snake it twice and good thing for what I paid him. It was well worth it to have my dishwasher and sinks working again. Two of the pipes under the sink were toast from the acid stuff I poured down there. So there went some more money down the drain. He gave me a bottle of "stuff" that you put down your drains... it is bacteria or something that eats away at the sludge build up. yummy. So I can actually work in my kitchen and I am thrilled. And even more happy not to have to since there was no supper needed tonight.

I drove the two older kids to grandmommy's this afternoon and then had to bride Connor, the 2 year old with an ice cream cone to get him to leave. I got him the cone and then proceeded to drive down the highway. He started whimpering and slowly that increased to full blown crying and panic as his cone fell apart. He was holding the ice cream in his hand til I pulled over to clean him up. The ice cream ended up on the side of the road and we had screaming all the way home. Yes, the screaming I had been trying to avoid with the bribe.

I bought 2 webkinz on Ebay as Christmas presents for Cullen and Avery. I got Avery an Alley Cat and Cullen a black Lab. I had never heard of these before. But recently found out that they are little pets that have unique codes that allow the child to go on line and enter a world that is just for them and their pet. Since the kids have taken to playing online I thought these might be entertaining and educational.

Edward, Connor and I had a nice time hanging out on our bed playing. Its not often we get to play alone with Connor. We read books and wrestled a bit. I got some great pictures of Connor with his Elmo back pack on. I will post them tomorrow.

For now I must crawl into bed.

Easter memories

I am an Irritable Mom

If you haven't been to Confessions of an Irritable Mom.com... oh how liberating the click might be for you. I met Karen by chance through a link from another blog. I am so happy to have found her and her support.

I really thought that it was deepest darkest secret to be a mom snapping and impatient with my children. She helped me to realize that there were actually some articulate and well meaning moms out there struggling with the same mean spirit feelings as me. Now I am certainly not proud of my struggles. They have made me feel like a failure as a mom most of the time. But to know that others too find motherhood hard at time, hard enough the yelling and screaming are not unheard of occurrences made me feel like I was not alone. Karen also gave me some wonderful advise on how to begin to face situations where I once might lose it but instead handle with a modicum of grace.

Part of the support I receive from Karen comes from periodic emails asking me how I am and giving some encouragement. These emails are always welcome and so helpful.

Well today I received an email. She offered some words of hope and encouragement, as well as a heart wrenching YouTube video about domestic abuse. I include the video here because it would be an injustice not too. The little girl in the video died as a result of her abuse. We must remember her and the other little ones who might be in danger as I sit here and write. So please do visit the link.

Ok, so what I really wanted to share is Karen's offering of laughter. It is the best medicine they say. This YouTube video is also a must see but for different reasons. It is called the Mom Song. The singer, Anita Renfroe, has written this song to The William Tell Overture. It is what comes out of every mom's mouth during a day of interacting with our kids. Do yourself a favor and get a laugh by watching the Mom Song.

Well I knew this was happening...

There has always been controversy about the pictures in magazines, how they are touched up and brushed. I knew that they did it a lot with faces. Evening out skin tone and removing blemishes and bags under eyes but when I saw this picture of Faith Hill I was incredulous.

Now I think we can all agree that Faith Hill is a beauty and from what I hear a good person. There really is nothing needs to be altered on her. The lines on her face and under her eyes are honest and make me, for one, less conscious of my own. But if you look closer you will notice the changed her skin tone all over. I know they can do amazing things just with light so this was a deliberate change. I am sure they weren't correcting a mistake they made when they set the lighting up. She has some freckles on her shoulder that were removed as well.

What else? Her hair was lightened from a golden blonde to a more yellowy blonde. She was actually made to look a lot thinner that she is in real life. Her face was narrowed and just look at her arm. They bulk in her thigh is gone. And I say that because thighs have mass. Again I do not think she looks bad in the original picture at all. I would have been proud of this picture if it were me. Do you see how much thinner they made her arm? Its just amazing! And two other places to look... her shoulder and back just below her arm. They took the curve out of her shoulder and they took the extra skin out that was rolling slightly over her dress. Oh and they actually put in a second arm that you couldn't see originally from the angle they took the picture.

Yes, I know its an illusion. But is it a necessary illusion. Is it done in the name of aesthetics? In the name of money? Are we as a society going to buy less of Faith's music because she looks "normal" or has flaws. Actually the scariest thing about this photo is most of us wouldn't have thought twice about the touch up being THE original. Because Faith is marketed as a down to earth beauty who has it all... personality, a good marriage, kids she adores and a rare marketed talent to boot. Something most of us could never tout that whole package. But wouldn't it be nice if we, the public, were not hoodwinked into thinking that Faith Hill has the "whole" package.

And really how does Faith feel about not being "good enough" to be on the cover of Redbook without being touched up. She can not meet the standard that Redbook has for its cover? Is it a standard that is NOT real. There is no one who has glossed the cover of Redbook without touch up. Is that a relief to those in the club. I don't measure up but then neither does the pop star or the tennis champ either. Thank goodness!

Here is another example using a photo of Keira Knightly. The writer has expanded on what they have done to "improve" her photo.

I know there are many picture of me that I would have loved to be touched up. In fact, I have the ability to do it. Paint Shop Pro to the rescue. I never thought about it before but I could create a whole new me for all the internet. The only people who would know that I am over weight, freckled and have thinning hair on the top of my head are my family and OB/GYN and hopefully she doesn't have the url to my blog.





So here is what I did with Paint Shop Pro. I used a tool called the Mesh Warp tool. It puts a grid with movable nodes. So I just move int the node to the left near my arm and viola I have a skinny arm. Same with my shoulder and my face. I whitened me teeth, removed the blemish on my chest and removed the "noise" or graininess from the digital photo to make me look smoother in my skin tone. I tried to take the darkness out from under my eyes but messed that up a bit.

This may be my new practice when sending photos to people I haven't seen for a while. I can keep the illusion of youth and thinness forever. I should have played a bit with my hand. It looks gigantic. *sigh* I will gladly alter your photo for you for a fee. Just email me! Haha. Maybe there is a market for this. Who needs to work for Redbook to make the world a more beautiful place.

But seriously, I am going to have to get to Weight watchers to get those results. Maybe I will use that altered pick as a motivator to my end goal.

Family Night rolls around again...

Tonight its the Disney classic Mary Poppins starring Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke. Our special treat are cupcakes that we are decorating like turkeys. Doc got the recipe off the internet, of course, and he is very excited.

The children's grandmother is invited to our family night tonight which means no slacking. The family room needs to be cleaned and the laundry put away.

My kitchen is a mess and Connor, who was woken from his nap will not let me clean. He wants me t snuggle with him in front of Barney. Is that a good excuse NOT to have my kitchen clean before grandmommy comes?

And of course I still have dinner to make. A wonderful recipe I got from Dine Without Whine. I am making Honey Mustard chicken and broccoli and rice. At least I have all the ingredients. That is the nice thing about the Dine Without Whine service. I always have my meals planned in advance and there is little or no stress. Like right now... I should be stressing but here I am blogging away.

There is a good reason for that... the stupid kitchen sinks are still backing up. Over the last week, I have used a plunger, a gel Drano, bleach and most recently the dread acid mixture that actually stripped the silver off my drains but did NOT clear my drain. I am so annoyed. I guess I have to call the plumber now. At least he can replace my smashed to smithereens bathroom sink. Anyway, its awful hard to cook and clean in the kitchen when the sink keeps backing up. Which is why I am sitting here typing... waiting for the sinks to recede.

But nothing stops Family Night! Not laundry stacked to the ceiling, nor kitchen counters caked with chocolate milk and pomegranate juice, nor sinks backed up to kingdom come. Nor tired, stressed out mommy. We will have fun!

Speechless

Avery "You're a smick smack poopy head"

Mommy "Avery I don't like that mouth on you."

Avery "I should get a new mouth then. I guess."

Mommy looks dumb-founded

The Blogging Blues

I love my blog but no one else seems too.

Use to be that was enough. But now I am checking my site counter frantically to see how much its gone up. I click on the Truth Laid Bare link to see who is linking to me and how many people are coming to my site... anyone staying? Not sure. I am a "crunchy crustacean" in the ecosystem of TLB. I have no idea what the whole ecosystem looks like but I know I want more. I must be at the very low end of the system... I just slithered out of the water. Surprisingly there are a number of blogs linking to me. They are listed there on my site page at TLB. When I follow the link though I have no idea why these people are linking back to me. I can not find any mention of my site.

Ok so I spend a lot of time thinking about my blog, why it is troubled and struggling. I think I can be funny. But maybe my voice isn't distinct enough. The people I read are a little less concerned about their language. I like that about them. But my family reads this blog. Can I really be myself? Haha.

My politics are left leaning but I would never blog about that stuff. My religion is left leaning too. The bumper stickers on my car express who I am in both realms... "I miss Bill" and "God is not spelled GOP." Maybe to get people to my blog I need to be more political. Do I need to state my position on abortion or the immigration debate? Do I have to write about how I don't refer to God in terms of a specific gender because it narrows our understanding of God and in some circles gives power over to men.

Maybe I need to be more vulnerable... sharing how my father leaving me and my siblings early in our lives has left a hole that can never be filled... or that my body image makes me scared of what my kids will think of me as they get older.

Can I turn my back on the blogging worlds measurements on how well our site is doing? Can I love my blog when most of my posts go uncommented on? Can I ignore the fact that my counter goes up but the comments are nonexistent? (Now that is a hard one.) I actually think that it is me that makes that counter go up. Because I log onto the site so many times a day. Playing with the buttons... where they are in the line up, are they centered. And finding more to put up there.

What purpose does my blog serve? Let me start there:

1. A place to keep a journal of what is happening in our lives
2. A place to post pictures of the kids
   
3. A place to post some of my digital scrapbook pages
4. A place to connect to other moms
5. A place to share my spiritual and parenting journey
6. A place that reflects my uniqueness
   

What do I not want my blog to be:

1. A place where I am judged or measured against others
2. A place where my thoughts are ridiculed
3. A place that feels like work rather than play
4. A place where I have to be someone else to be admired

So what have I learned here? That my neuroses overflow into my blog. How very surprising! That I want to be liked and admired but i don't want to have to jump through hoops to get there. That I like who I am except when I start comparing myself to others or my blog to other's blogs.

Here is what I think is the answer... instead of focusing on my blog, its stats and such I am going to focus on the relationships my blog and blogging brings me. Like the connection I have made with Karen over at Surviving Motherhood. Or the deepening relationship I have experienced with my sister-in-law Elysa over at Musings from Graceland. Or how much I like the perspective of Belinda at Ninja Poodles and the voice and photography of Rhe over at Confessions of a Pioneer Woman.

If you are struggling with the Blogging Blues I challenge you to refocus you attention back to what made you attracted to blogging to begin with. Enjoy the new contacts and connections you are making and try to let the rest go by the wayside... unless you become really really blog famous... then enjoy that too!

I love a good giveaway!

In the last day I think I have entered three giveaways. I don't usually win stuff but my chances are less dismal if I enter multiple giveaways, right! Right?

My sister in law, Elysa, has a giveaway on her blog for some yummy Saint's Coffee at Musings from Graceland. She is very passionate about trying to help the orphans in Swaziland. She and her daughter are traveling there with a mission group in January to visit the orphanages and love on the little ones. People have rallied around her and my niece helping them raise money to go on the trip. Saint's Coffee is a business that donates much of their income to the orphans in Swaziland. In fact they say that 1 lb of coffee can feed 1 child for a month. So if you are a coffee drinker, your addiction can change the life of children across the world. Check it out. And enter the drawing for some free coffee on your way.

5MinutesforMom has started their Christmas Giveaway. There are multiple giveaways going on. the most exciting one is for a stroller called the Joovy Caboose Ultralite. I entered about 4 giveaways mostly geared for kids including a Spiderman 3 DVD, and adventure through My Bedbugs, and a coloring kit from Gymboree. Oh and the cutest little pink pedal car I have ever seen. All good stuff especially since the giveaways close on the 25th of November giving you good time to include them under the tree.

The Domestic Diva blog is offering a chance to win a baby sling. I know, why do I need a baby sling? Cause I am thinking positive. I want one more... just ONE more tiny little baby. Doc says he would consider it if we had $40,000 in the bank. I hope you are not drinking coffee while you read this cause that gasp would send you into a coughing fit. I will be beyond baby bearing years when we have $40,000 in the bank. But it is so sweet of him to think we can conceive in our 50s... the question is why would I want to. I know he can't be thinking we can save that much in 2-3 years. Now that is just craziness. So even if I am not sanctioned to get my IUD removed at my next annual, I can win a baby sling as a symbol of my readiness.

I have a banner post on the left for all these giveaways. Click on one to be taken directly to the contest sign up. Just remember to read the contest rules carefully. Most giveaways require a link back on your blog... like those banners to my left. =) But, hey, keep your cotton pickin' paws off my stroller!

The Pioneer Woman

Just a few days ago I was directed to a blog called Confessions of a Pioneer Woman from another blog. Please don't ask me which one cause who can back track that far. This blog is beautiful. Rhe, that is the PW's name takes wonderful photographs with her digital camera... a very expensive digital camera with exchangeable lenses. I went online to look at these camera, thinking I might take pictures like her. Well they are $900 so never mind that. But anyway, the blog is beautiful with its gorgeous photos and its great writing.

Yes, Rhe is a great writer. She tells a great story with funny, dry humor that I appreciate. And she lives a life that seems almost reminiscent of the old west but its real. Lots of cattle, horses and rodeos. oh and cowboys. REAL life cowboys. She refers to her husband as the Marlboro Man... jeez. And guess what, she cooks. She has another blog that is just for her cooking. She makes recipes and uses that dang digital camera to document every step. Can you say, green with envy!

So I have gone to her blog the last few days to read and look. And I look to see who is commenting and what they are saying. Do you know how many comments she gets on ONE blog entry. The one she posted today has 122! 122! So here is how that makes me feel. It makes me feel like she has too many readers. I mean once you have that many loyal readers and that many comments there really is no need for any more. I ponder whether I will go back and read it again. She doesn't need me to read it. I need to track down some blogs that are desperate for me to read them. I want to be one in a million NOT one of a million. But her writing... her photos... her recipes. Can I afford to pass them by?

Who will know if I sneak a look every once in a while. Just won't look at the number of comments. I can pretend that she is just as lonely and alone in the blogosphere as me. So I can have my cake and eat it too... or puree squash. Her recipe for that looks sooooo yummy. I have to go write it down.

"When I was Uncle Wally's daughter..."

I do not know how many times a day I hear this from Avery. It is usually when she is trying to keep up with her brother. He comes home from school and tells us what has happened there during the day and the next thing you know Avery is talking about another life... when she was Uncle Wally's daughter.

We drove by a field of teenage girls playing Soccer today. I pointed it out to the kids. Avery wanted to know whether she could play soccer when she got bigger. I assured her that she could. My son, the one that sees the glass half empty, began by telling Avery that she would be there all alone without mommy if she played soccer. Now this is a big deal for Cullen. He hates when I leave him in the car alone while I put the cart back at the grocery store parking lot. But Avery doesn't care. She then was compelled to ask.. "Mommy will you watch me while I play?" I assured her I would but know she will never NEED me to be there. This is my redheaded feisty daughter who escorts me to the door at preschool.

As we talked a bit more about soccer Cullen would interject things like he had played before and just knew soccer was the wrong choice for him as a sport. I told him that playing a sport is about team work and working together. No one had to feel any pressure because it was the team, working together that made playing fun. No need to be anxious about something that was suppose to be fun.

Enter Avery... "Mommy, when I was Uncle Wally's daughter I use to play soccer. I ran really fast and jumped in the air. And I kicked the ball. I kicked the ball hard. I was a really good soccer player."

The "When I was Uncle Wally's daughter" has morphed from just stories about her uncle. "My uncle took me to the zoo and we saw giraffes..." I would ask her what uncle? who? But now we have to hear imaginary stories about Uncle Wally. The stories are imaginary not Uncle Wally.

Uncle Wally is actually a friend of The Doc. (I have decided to call Edward, The Doc, because I needed a good nickname for the husband. All really good bloggers have nicknames for their husbands.) They grew up together in the town we live in now and have been friends since grade school, I guess. Uncle Wally is Cullen's godfather. He has known all the children since their birth. He was probably around the day after they were conceived. Just to say he has been a staple in our lives for a long time.

Avery's life with Uncle Wally was full... they have eaten pomegranates together, ridden a winged unicorn (also from a Barbie movie, heh), and wished on the first star in the sky. She had 12 sisters in her family with Uncle Wally... strangely similar to 12 Dancing Princesses but I am so jaded, what do I know. The stories can go on and on and sometimes they make no sense at all.

What purpose do her stories of life with Uncle Wally serve? I have been thinking about this. I think that she is trying to get attention paid to her. She uses the topic that Cullen is speaking about because it is getting HIM attention. She usually is trying to one-up him with her story. Like when she was Uncle Wally's daughter she rode the bus to school. Cullen is afraid to ride the bus. He has seen kids being mean to each other on the bus while watching TV. He is afraid someone is going to push him while he is on the bus. Well when Avery road the bus, when she was Uncle Wally's daughter, she was not afraid. The bus picked her up and took her to school and then it took her back home again. End of story. Its kinda interesting. They both make up stories in their minds... Cullen mostly pessimistic and Avery's optimistic.

Avery is the middle child. She is not the baby doing things for the first time like Connor. Nor is she the eldest doing things for the first time like Cullen. So Uncle Wally stories serve to give her the limelight. She gets to do things that Cullen wouldn't do and I guess being Uncle Wally's daughter gives her some autonomy. How do we know what she did when she was Uncle Wally's daughter? I mean really.

I have told Avery before, jokingly so as to not hurt her feelings, that she was never Uncle Wally's daughters. But she only says, "Yes I was." and continues on with her story. I think of it sometimes as her reincarnation stories... or "other dimension" stories because, really, she sounds so convincing and she will not allow you to poo-poo her. It passes through my mind that maybe I am wrong and she really was Uncle Wally's daughter in another life.

Tackle it Tuesday

Ok it's 1:30 in the afternoon and I have to get on the ball. I already had my 2 hour nap due to the fact that Avery was up vomiting last night... twice and then settled down on our bedroom floor for the rest of the night. Wait, did I say settled... well that would be after she went back downstairs to get "a doll" and came back with 5 stuffed animals. And after she used the "potty" and needed help to get the lights on. And after she needed Daddy to fix her pallet cause it was just not right. And after she asked for medicine cause her throat hurt. And after she threw up again after an escort to the toilet by me. So that is why I needed a nap.

And I am awake now and so very aware of what needs to be done around here. But my tackle it Tuesday challenge is going to be cleaning out from UNDER things... my bed, dresser, the sofa, the kids beds, etc. There are treasures everywhere and I am out to find them and the dust bunnies too. Before and after pictures will follow.

I am on a time crunch too cause I have to go pick up Avery at preschool. For some strange reason she wanted to stay for lunch AND nap. Nap! ok, whatever. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth or should I say a vomiting 4 year old. Then after her pick up we go to the elementary school to pick up Cullen. Then its home for about 1.5 hours before Taekwondo which we have missed the last 2 weeks due to illness. I won't even go down the list of who's been ill. We have all been ill. And the vomiting missy still looms large.

Off I go...

For the cat lovers

Horsing Around

Just completed this page of Avery and Emmie Leggett. The pictures are taken back in the summer when the kids were playing together at our house. I love these pictures of the girls. You would never know what upheaval there was around that pink horse. They are playing so well together in the pictures I captured.

Emmie took the horse home with her with Avery's approval. It was a loner horse. But there are rumblings of the horse needing to be returned. There is an electronic horse at Wal*Mart that Avery loves... it munches carrots and has a grooming brush... it whinnies and shakes its mane and tail... $250 bucks. It has sensors all over its body so it will turn in the direction that it is getting petted. He will also turn to sound. We better get that pink horse back lickety split! The pink horse doesn't say a word... I like it that way.

I found a YouTube video of the horse Avery is enamored with. Her name is Butterscotch and she is made by FurReal.

Avery knows that the horse is expensive. But she says that Santa can bring it to her so no problem. *cough* Whenever we go to Wal*Mart she wants to take time to groom Butterscotch and feed her her carrot. And has to give the pony a big hug and kiss on the nose before we leave. She would like to go back every day but no one wants to do that. Well I don't anyway. Its too painful to have this conversation everytime we see Butterscotch.

The Shack - A One Sitting Wonder

Edward and the kids walked down our long driveway and checked the mail. And yesterday at dusk came back with a package from Amazon. My copy of The Shack had arrived. I had been waiting with anticipation for this book to come since I just finished my Steve Brown book and had nothing to read that matched its weightiness. I had read some wonderful review of The Shack and was looking forward to the experience it might offer.

Well I opened the book at about 5:30 pm and read and read until 11:30pm when I finished it. Yup, never put it down and cried about 3 or 4 times during the reading of it. (Well I did get the kids to bed and I did get up for a snack about 10:30... I was hungry.) I am not sure I have ever read a book through in one sitting unless it was a Harlequin romance I use to read deep into the night as a kid. Oh haven't my reading interests changed over the years.

I read this book hungrily... wanting more and more of its profound and life changing ideas. I had read a few reviews about it on Amazon which made me very curious about its content. I am so glad I ordered it. I know this is just the first of many times I will read it. There are bits and pieces I want to memorize and mark. Places I want to stop and linger over. Now that I have read it through once... it calls for a more leisurely reading or two, or three.

I have never been so emotionally moved in a novel in a long, long time. I am not going to give away the plot of the book but it tackles the question of where God is in the midst of suffering and evil. Here is the back cover. You can visit The Shack website to get a fuller understanding of the book and its message.

I hope you do!

My Own Little Fundraiser

Auction Closed!

$26.01
Oh goodness me!
How wonderful!

I have placed this necklace on auction at Ebay. I have never ever auctioned anything on Ebay but I have been wracking my brain on how to help raise some money for my sister-in-law and niece to go to Swaziland on a mission trip. Visit Musings from Graceland to hear about their upcoming adventure and what motivates their hearts.

They leave in January and are raising money through their Grace Works jewelry. Elysa, her 12 year old daughter and Rhonda, a family friend are making jewelry in hopes of raising the $5,000 they need to make the trip with Children's Hope Chest. I recently received an email from Elysa that was sent out to all her friends and family. She was asking for bead donations or old jewelry that they might take apart and restring. My kids have a couple bead kits but I think they would protest greatly if I tried to mail them away to their aunt. So then I was perusing my jewelry box in my brain and remembered this necklace that my mom gave to me years ago. Oh how I love this necklace. But its a bit tight on my fat neck now. =( So I am going to auction it off to see what money I can raise. Then Elysa can buy whatever beads she needs. That is the plan, anyway. I this plan doesn't work, it will be onto Plan B... Wal*Mart. =)

Elysa is also hosting a giveaway on her blog for a piece of Grace Works Jewelry to increase the knowledge that people have about the orphans in Swaziland. Please visit her blog and make a comment. You could be a lucky winner. This giveaway ends on Sunday, November 4th so visit soon.

And if you are so inclined... please visit my Ebay auction. I started the bidding at $10. I think that may be steep but its for a good cause. The piece is engraved with the designer's name... Andrea Barnett. I Googled her and found that she is designing rosaries with the same type silver accent pieces and beads... but a little pricey. So $10 is cheap by her pricing. And if the bidding goes nowhere then I know I will spend more than that at Wal*Mart buying beads for the cause.

And if you have any beads you would like to donate, I can help arrange that too!

Steve Brown's A Scandalous Freedom

I just finished A Scandalous Freedom by Steve Brown. I never would have chosen to read this book without the indirect nudging of my sister-in-law Elysa and the Holy Spirit. I listen to the Steve Brown Sessions podcasts when I remember too. He interviews all sorts of people including Renee Altson, Stumbling Towards Faith and Anne Lamott who wrote Traveling Mercies and a book I just complete called Plan B: More Thoughts on Faith. Anne Lamott and Steve Brown probably as far apart on the political spectrum as you can be yet they both love Jesus.

I love Anne Lamott. She has helped me to break through the structure and restrictions that organized religion places on us. Don't get me wrong, I love my church. I love the ritual. But there are things happening in churches that only dampen the spirit; meanness, pettiness, judging other others, holier-than-thouness. I am sure you can name your own experiences that overwhelm your church experience and make you forget you are in a place of worship. Anne Lamott, with all her swearing and irreverence is still more of an example to me of Jesus than many people I know.

Steve Brown, scary Steve Brown, a conservative Republican kinda scary, is also a wonderful Christian example. It took me some time to even believe that might be the case. But I heard him interviewing Anne Lamott through his podcast Steve Brown, Etc and he was actually fun and nice and insightful. He names who he is but he doesn't judge you for who you are. And he uses humor, as does Lamott, to bridge the gaps. I like that. If you have humor you are ahead of the game. Those people that take themselves too seriously are neon signs for "Road Closed. Find Alternative Route".

So I picked up A Scandalous Freedom. And I loved it. I am still loving it. Because even though I finished it my plan is to pick it immediately up and read it again. This is too importantly a book to read once and hope you "get it". When I finished the last page I was a bit depressed to think it was done. But then I realized it doesn't have to be. I can LIVE it. I can read this book again, yes, which brings great comfort BUT I can LIVE it daily which is the most powerful thing I can get from this book.

Freedom through Grace... what a wonderful gift. How am I going try to l make it come alive in my life? Well off the top of my head, here is how I'm thinking:

1. When I can not be the perfect parent, when I think maybe I have damaged my children irreparably forever, I will remember that I am human and imperfect. And that God understands my struggles and will be for me if I turn to God for help.
2. I will speak truth without fear of offending people. I will not hide who I am and what I believe just to keep the peace or maintain some false image of what a Christian should be.
3. I will remember that as sure as I think I am right there is an even greater chance that I am wrong and that I do not have it all figured out. I will rely on God to take care of it all and I will be humble in the face of my humanness.

(NaBloPoMo note: I started writing this Sat. evening the 10th. But I did not finish it nor post it until the 11th. However, the post date said the 10th so I changed it manually.)

Disasters Abound

I love my blog, I really do. It gives me a sense of order in my chaotic life. But today I can not even get excited about blogging. I just want to sleep. I look around this house and there is so much to do. Its overwhelms me and makes me feel very inadequate to not be able to keep up.

I did manage to get the children's bathroom scrubbed this morning. That was pretty gross. Unsupervised children are pigs. But there is one room in this house that is cleaner than the others.

Maybe if I make a list I can at least declutter my head.
Here is what is filling me head. As I said these are neglected things... way past needing to be done:

1. Laundry, laundry laundry... tons of laundry
2. Floors need sweeping, vacuuming and washing
3. Baseboards are full of dust and dirt
4. Kitchen sink keeps backing up - clean out pipes or call plumber?
5. Make guess room bed that got dismantled when cranberry juice was spilled all over our bed
6. Put away Little Green Machine that cleaned up cranberry juice from our comforter
7. Put away folded clothes
8. Laundry, laundry, laundry
   
9. Give youngest child a bath
10. Clean up children's toys all over the floors
11. Folding door fell off computer closet door frame - wood putty hole in door
12. Sweep dog poop off front porch
13. Hang blinds in hobby room
14. Clean up both computer desks
15. Clean pantry floor
16. Clean toys and dust out from under beds, sofas, dressers
17. Empty car of junk and get it detailed
18. Clean up trash around the yard
19. Wash floor in storage room where kitty litter has gotten attached to floor
    
20. Laundry and more laundry
    

And to top it off, I was cleaning up the floor in my children's just cleaned bathroom. My daughter can not take a bath without creating a huge puddle. So I was moving some shelves to clean up underneath them and the pottery on top came crashing down and made a huge hole in my brand new pedestal sink. I have no idea how to fix something like this or even if it can be fixed. And I can only be mad at myself for being so lazy. I should have moved that piece of pottery. But really who knew you could actually blow a hole into a sink.

And from every thing I have read on the internet this sink will have to be discarded. Its brand new as it was a replacement from the Katrina destruction. The idea of having to track down a plumber who will come and replace my sink is so nauseating to me. But I guess he could look at the kitchen sink as well. Two birds with one stone... why don't I just feel uplifted by the idea?

This helps explains it... a little

I was poking around the reading lists of other bloggers and found this title on I'm a Drama Mama's blog. She is reading a book on motherhood. I know that is surprising on a mom blog, but there it is. Six years after having my first child I am still trying to figure out what it means to be a mother. Who I am in light of it and if that is all I am since being submersed in the lives of my children and our home. I am often looking for someone who just might have the answers to all my pondering. So I followed the link to Amazon.

Well the description of the book did not make me think it had the answers I am seeking. Probably those are inside of me. OH well to that. But someone did write a review which made me stop. The reader was quoting from the introduction of the book A Life's Work by Rachel Cusk. The reader actually said that she found the introduction worth the price of the book and that she spent most of her time rereading it rather than reading the whole text.

This is the quote that got my attention:

"Another person has existed in her, and after their birth they live within the jurisdiction of her consciousness. When she is with them she is not herself; when she is without them she is not herself; and so it is as difficult to leave your children as it is to stay with them."

From the introduction to A Life's Work: On Becoming a Mother.

Really Cusk has succinctly explained the catch 22 of motherhood. I can't send them back cause they are a part of me. I can not imagine my children not being anymore than I can imagine the end of my existence. There is part of me that longs for the clean identity of my childless state. I was not schizophrenic. All my parts were apart of me... attached and controlled by me. Now I have these three little beings that originated from my body... used my body to grow from the tiniest cell to beautiful squirming creatures with my eyes and my hair and my shortcomings. And they can walk away from me. And I can walk away from them. A part of me in the other room watching Sponge Bob, (Not really we don't like SB here but its a good image) or at school having an 8 hour life apart from me. 8 hours I have no idea what happens in.

Never again can I be me alone. But always there is the consciousness of a need, a care, a concern a vulnerability for something apart from me. Parenting disallows selfishness that is for sure. Not that people do not try to maintain a me-centered existence, children just have more staying power. Why, because they need us so much. We are the center of their existence. Parents at least have memories of a time before but not so for children. We are their anchors and foundations. My son can not imagine ever leaving home. Leaving me or his Daddy is just alien to him. He says he is not going to college because he is never leaving. When we talk about a time when he will live alone it is like we are kicking him out and he will never be welcome here again. It sounds like punishment to him. But he will grow to want just that and to begin his journey of individuality or singleness. Until he gives it up for that bundle of pure love that enters his life by way of a miracle. He might have it easier as a man... I really wish that were not the case and maybe it isn't. But I have to believe that pregnancy and childbirth are the clinchers that cause mothers to be caught in the dilemma of identity and becoming a mother.