Things Fall Apart ~ The Making of a Mom

Catching up on my Scrapbooking

2011-01-03T16:33:00.000-06:00

These are some old photos that I have needed to scrap for years... 3 to be exact. I took all of these pictures in 2007. Luckily for me Vera Lim, my favorite digital scrapbook designer has plenty of "quick pages" for me to use at Vera Lim Designs. I bought a lot of these design elements on New Years Day. She had a fabulous sale.

This is Connor with Papa Roy, who has since passed. Roy died 3 years ago when Connor was only 2. But he still mentions regularly how much he misses his Papa Roy. We all do.


Wacka-Doodle

The page above is a "Quick page", meaning the Designer did the lay out and I placed the photos just so. It was a lot of hard work... no not really. Quick pages are a great way of catching up fast with your scrapbooking. I admit I have bought quite a few from Vera Lim in the last week. And I finally have a LOT of my 2007 photos scrapped. And, oh my gosh, are the pages cute.

This is a picture of Cullen from his "Kim Possible" days. He was obsessed with her for a time and was always asking me to take pictures of him and his Kim Possible dolls. I am certain he will come to regret this. But as any good reported, I must report the truth no matter the consequence.

This page is made from photos from 2005. I was pregnant with Connor at the time... just barely. Cullen and Ben, my friend Vikki's son took a baseball workshop to learn the fundamentals of the sport. Unfortunately, it kinda backfired on us. Cullen will not play baseball because he says he already did when he was 4. Oh well! You can see how proud he is of his trophy. He slept with it that night and still considers it one of this prize possessions. There is a really small picture of Cullen running from 3rd base to home... if you look really closely you can see Avery crying at third base because brother was running away.

Truth in Advertising?

2010-12-29T21:23:00.000-06:00

This is my dog Fritz. We adopted him from the Humane Society about 4 months ago. This is what he looked like the day I brought him home. Isn't he cute?! He was labeled a Chihuahua mix. The "mix" is most likely terrier. He was 18 months when we adopted him. (Please ignore my foot in the picture.) See those big ears. Those ARE Chihuahua ears. We always laughed at how big his head was compared to his body. He does look a little funny. Anyway, if you look at the next picture...

August 11, 2010

You will see Fritz in his present state. That is right... this is Fritz too. My scruffy ruffian or in the voice of Professor Doofenschmirtz from Phineas and Ferb... The Evil Fritzinator. But do you see my problem here? I hardly have a Chihuahua now. Now don't get me wrong, I love this little guy. He is my baby. But I just didn't realize how he had changed. All that facial hair and beard scruff. I mean who is the Humane Society kidding? Do they shave every new dog in their kennel down like this or were they maybe putting his best features forward by making him look closer to the "real thing." Noone was ever going to mistake him for a big boned Chihuahua anyway.

December 28, 2010

I recently took him to the groomers to get a bath. I specifically told them to leave the scruff cause I liked it. Until I saw the earlier picture taken on his first day home I never realized how different he looks now.

Christmas Miracle

2010-12-29T10:31:00.004-06:00

This Christmas my mom was to travel down to New Hampshire from Maine to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at my brother Chris' house. My sister, Bridget and her husband Scott and my brother, Tim were to come over as well.

My brother Chris traveled 2 hours to Portsmouth Main to get my mom who had travel 2 hours South by herself. Chris was going to meet her half way. This all happened without a hitch. They arrived in Ridge NH just before night fall for a cold, snowy Christmas Eve. My mom was traveling with her little puppy, Lily. Lily is a tiny white Maltese.


This is NOT Lily but you get her size.

During the excitement of arrival Lily got away into the cold, snowy wilderness. She had a fleece coat on but otherwise was a victim of the elements. She was frightened by the new place, smells and sounds. My niece and nephew wanted to take her out and unfortunately she did not have on her collar. A leash was looped around her neck and in her fright she bolted. Two hours of searching for her and my mom and brother found no trace of her.

My mom was distraught. She said she blasphemed God, asking how God could allow a little dog to die under such conditions on Christmas Eve. She was angry at herself for letting it happen and feared that Christmas was ruined for everyone. The children felt terrible too. The night ended as my mom prayed that Lily would be ok and not suffer in the harsh conditions.


New Hampshire at its most beautiful and harsh.

On Christmas morning, presents were opened. The family tried to do the Christmas thing. At 10am my mom wanted to go looking for Lily again. So Chris and she got int he car and went driving around. While they were in the car, Nick, my nephew called to say that Lily was actually seen walking down the driveway toward the house. My sister-in-law, Amy, went out and started calling to the puppy. Lily immediately turned around and started walking back down the driveway away from the house this time. Amy kept calling gently to her and Lily stopped and just sat in the road. When my mom got back she saw Amy walking with what looked like something in her arms. When they got closer they saw it was Lily. She was back. They had found her.

It appears Lily found the neighbors shed and spent the night there. There were all sorts of little paw prints around it that are not normally there. How she found her way back has got to be God's doing. My mom said she had been cursing God, so angry that this could happen. But she still prayed for Lily's safety and God was waiting for her to ask. My mom said her faith has been renewed. It was the best Christmas ever.

I cried and cried at the telling of this tale. I cried for that tiny little dog. I prayed for her safety. I prayed that she wouldn't suffer either. I cried for my mom. For the loss of that dog that meant so much to her and in joy for her renewed faith.

God is GOOD all the time.

Happy Holidays

2010-12-28T20:59:00.004-06:00

Loved this image and had to share it!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

New Digital Scrapbook Page

2010-12-23T22:35:00.003-06:00

Its a bit springtime but I love this picture of Avery. It's called "Avie Baby" because that is my affectionate name for her.

I got these elements from Shabby Princess's free downloads page. Its a great site with lots of freebies for anyone wanting to try Digital Scrapbooking.

Another JibJab Christmas

2010-12-20T09:02:00.002-06:00

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Changing of the Season

2010-11-29T13:50:00.000-06:00

Changed out my Fall colors to Christmas colors today!

Upgraded last years wreath with $1 ornaments

Halloween Fun with Jib Jab!

2010-10-13T05:52:00.002-05:00

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Bridget's wedding

2010-09-14T13:18:00.002-05:00

Sisters together after 3 years!

Pre-ceremony photo

Muslim Until Proven Christian?

2010-08-30T14:18:00.014-05:00

I can play with Photoshop too.

This is from an email I recieved from MediaMatters.org

Is Barack Obama a Muslim?

No.

He's a Christian. Nevertheless, that question has been a background whisper to the right-wing narrative about Barack Obama even before he became a candidate for president -- Obama made his announcement almost a month after the false InsightMag.com report that he attended an Indonesian madrassa as a child.

That whisper became more of a shout in the past week after some thoroughly depressing polling was released showing that disproportionately large percentages of the American public either believe (contrary to established fact) that the president is a Muslim, or are unsure (in spite of intense media scrutiny) of which faith he adheres. This can't be seen as anything but a huge victory for the right, which has, for the better part of three years, made sure to take every opportunity to use "Obama" and "Islam" in the same sentence. Sometimes it's more explicit, like when Franklin Graham proclaims that Obama was "born a Muslim." Other times it's slightly less explicit, like when the Washington Times' Jeffrey Kuhner -- who was editor of InsightMag.com when it made the false Obama-madrassa claim -- calls Obama a "cultural Muslim" and the Times Photoshops a star and crescent onto his face.

Either way, the end goal is the same -- to portray Obama as different, dangerous, "other."

Given that they've worked so hard at fostering this image, one would think that the release of polling showing that more and more Americans buy into their bogus storyline would be cause for celebration. That, however, is not the case, as the right is eager to disown responsibility for this bigoted line of attack and place it squarely on Obama's shoulders.

Stephen Hayes suspects that the Muslim rumor persists because of Obama's "outreach to what he calls the Muslim world." Rush Limbaugh claims Obama hasn't been "obvious" about his Christianity, while Glenn Beck faults the president for practicing "a Christianity that most Americans just don't recognize." Byron York wrote a blame-the-victim masterpiece for the Washington Examiner in which he traced responsibility for the Muslim falsehood all the way to Obama's memoir, Dreams from My Father.

The logic is amusing -- the default setting for most people is to think Obama is a scary Muslim, and it's his responsibility to convince them otherwise. In practice, the argument is devious. These right-wingers give the appearance that they're rebutting the false Muslim rumor, but at the same time forward it by attacking Obama for doing things that make him seem like a Muslim. They absolve themselves of responsibility while reaping the benefits of smearing their ideological adversary.

But it's not just the president who's getting a bad shake. Implicit in this smear is that being a Muslim is an undesirable trait, something to be feared and loathed. And that has the potential to make difficult the lives of American Muslims.

One need not look any further than the ongoing, increasingly ludicrous row over the Park51 Islamic center -- currently suffering under the ignominious "Ground Zero mosque" misnomer. After weeks of Fox News and the rest of the right-wing media blithely lumping Muslims together with terrorists, Nazis, and enemies of the state, the protests against Park51 have taken on a virulently xenophobic character, with protesters holding signs with slogans like: "Islam = Hate"; "Islam = terrorist"; "Islam = Killing."

But if we're going by the right wing's rules, then that's the fault of Muslims for not sufficiently proving they're not all hateful, murdering terrorists.

Connor's New Passion

2010-08-30T08:24:00.002-05:00

The Gotham Girls!

Cat Woman, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn and Bat Girl

"Harley looks more gooder than the Harley in Xbox Batman.
I like her gun and her suit. She has a gun... she is crazy and steals stuff.
That is the only thing I like about her, she steals stuff. POW.
I am Batman to the rescue... PEW

I am Batman to the rescue... (repeat over and over)

Bat Girl is fun too.

Scariest Man in the World

2010-08-30T07:55:00.000-05:00

Glen Beck Exposed

What I did on Summer Vacation, part 2

2010-08-28T11:12:00.002-05:00

Ok, so after all the "boring" historical stuff, as Avery would say, we went on to the fun stuff. We did a tour of the Natural Bridge Caverns, horseback riding and a Louisiana Swamp Tour. Here come the highlights.

Edward had planned the itinerary for the week. I had only two requests. Avery and I wanted to go horseback riding. And I wanted to eat Thai.

I arranged for us to go trail riding in the hills outside San Antonio at a place called Strickler's Trail Rides. The guys were going to go to the movies while Avery and I rode. As it turned out Cullen went with us and Edward and Connor went to the country club and had apple pie and ice cream. Connor thinks he got the better end of the deal. We rode for an hour and the kids did great controlling their horses. The kid's had a great time grooming the horses before our ride. I think its every little girls dream to brush a horse.
When I was a younger kid I hung out at a local farm helping with the horses a bit. And when I was in high school I took care of a horse at a friend's barn. I remember actually riding with a group of girls int he pitch black one night. We galloped across field without being able to see where the heck we were going. Really, just stupid. I was scared to death when we did it and still can not believe I survived that.

Avery on Mouse

I also use to vacation in the summer with a family on Nantucket. I took care of their 5 children. They were horse people too. So every fall we would do foliage rides in Vermont. Those were spectacular. I learned to ride English riding with them. I was more in tune with riding Western myself.

But anyway, it all came back to me... currying and brushing so that when you put the saddle on the horse there is nothing in the horse coat or mane that is irritating them. An irritation under the saddle might cause a horse to reject the riders, meaning a nice dirt bath.

We took a nice trail ride through the hills. Texas topography is so different from Mississippi. It is true that everything is bigger in TX. The house we could see as we rode were amazing. And it seems everyone has huge gates and fences to keep their property private.


Cullen on Anna

The last 15 minutes of the ride were when all the muscles in my butt and thighs started protesting. I have ridden long distances so I know that pain your legs can be in after. I was certain I was going to do a face plant after getting off the horse. My knees were in such pain. But I did manage to keep upright.

The kids and I made some great memories. I was really proud of the way they handles themselves. They asked intelligent questions and carried on a nice conversation with our guide.

Next up... Natural Bridge Cavern!

The Big Reveal

2010-08-24T11:16:00.003-05:00

PURPLE IN THE WAY!

Here is what I do when I can't sleep

2010-08-24T05:41:00.001-05:00

Made with Paint Shop Pro X2

Preparing for my trip home

2010-08-23T16:46:00.002-05:00

My sister gets married in 2 weeks and I am going home after 3 years. The last time I was there was 3 summers ago with the kids. Connor was not even 2. My mom has not seen him since then. He is almost 5 now. So I am excited!


Avery's dress

Avery and Connor will go with me. Avery is the flower girl. She is beside herself. Its her dream to be a flower girl. LOL It was suppose to be just she and I. That would have been fun. But my mother-in-law offered to pay for Connor's ticket so my mom could see him. Isn't that great. She said she knew how she would feel if she hadn't seen her grandchild in that long.

This is Avery's dress. It needs a bit of altering. I had a choice between a size 6 or 8. I went for the larger. It kinda hangs on her. But she will be wearing a poofy under slip which will make the skirt go out and up. I am also planning on changing the sash to purple and maybe changing out the flower or hydrangeas. Those are the flower my sister is having in her wedding.

When I told Avery that Connor was coming she cried. She was even more surprised to hear he was coming to the wedding! She has been trying to tell him how boring it will all be and he should just stay in the hotel room. Isn't she a card. Oh my gosh, I can not wait to see Connor in his suit.

SEE THE TICKER COUNTING DOWN TO OUR TRIP! ---------------->

I have been shopping for out trip. Avery and I needed shoes and dresses for the wedding. Plus I needed a garment back for my gown. Luckily, I have a great suit for Connor that was given to me by a family member long ago. It was for Cullen, but he never wore it. Connor only needs a tie and shoes now.


Stephanie's dress

This is my dress. Not my body but my dress. I got it at David's Bridal. I really like it and am excited to wear it. I had another dress in mind but this one looked a lot better on. I hope I do not look ridiculous. The only other formal dress I ever wore was my own wedding dress.

So I have booked our flights. I got a great deal on Expedia. Only $215 round trip from Gulfport to Boston. It was so cheap I rented a car as well.

My sister, Bridget and I have always been close. No matter the time and distance its like we never have been apart. I am so happy to share this day with her. And even prouder to have my daughter there as well to make good memories with. We plan on doing all the pre-wedding stuff... nails, hair, shopping and sleepovers. Oooo lala, what fun!

Oh and the best part. We get to stay at a Hampton Inn all week long. All week! Its like heaven.

UPDATE: Emaciated Slider found in laundry room

2010-08-23T12:49:00.003-05:00

Missing baby pet red eared slider was walking nonchalantly around our laundry room this Sunday morning. He had been missing for over a week. His partner in crime had yet to be found.

** Second baby turtle present and accounted for now. Avery found him by the front door on Monday afternoon.

(Funny how when you put them back into water after they are out for so long... they float. They are actually buoyant without trying. It takes them awhile to sink to the bottom.)

Makes me think it wasn't the cat.

Karaoke Diva Makes Special ER Appearance

2010-08-21T23:11:00.009-05:00

This morning Avery decided to take her karaoke show on the road. But before she did that she took it to the back of the sofa. She and I bought Karaoke Revolution last weekend. We thought it would be fun to play it together. But Saturday mornings are my mornings to stay in bed, watch HGTV and eat pancakes made by my sweet husband. Since I wasn't around, my guess is she decided to take some real risks with her career and interject some "moves" into her performance.

So as I have hear from the retelling, she was standing on the back of our sofa with her microphone singing, "the song that shall not be named" when she missed her footing and fell into one of my most favorite things, a lovely floor lamp. This floor lamp happens to be one of my only favorite things Avery hasn't broken. This time she managed to break my most favorite thing, herself.

Avery came running into her room holding her arm and crying. It usually takes me a few minutes to figure out if she is crying wolf. As a 7 year old girl, that is mostly what she does and does it well. The way she was holding her arm made me suspicious that she actually did some harm to herself. So I canceled a lunch I had planned with my friend Vikki and took Avery to the ER.

Avery was quite fearful that she would need a shot or have to stay there. I do not know where she got these fears except that Max, our dog who had recently died, went to the Vet and had to stay multiple nights. She told me that the "hospital was about as scary as school". But eventually with some cajoling, she put on a stiff upper lip and we drove the 3 miles to the hospital.

Avery was bemoaning her fate of having to sit in a boring hospital. She was mumbling things like, "Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong?" haha I put a pretend microphone up to her face (I do this whenever I need to get the kids on tape saying something incriminating.) and asked? "Avery Harvey were you or were you not standing on the back of the couch?" Her response, "Yes." "Why do you think we tell you not to climb on the furniture?" "Because I might fall and hurt myself." "Right! There is the answer to your existential question of why this happened to you. What are you not going to do anymore?" "Climb of the couch." "Good answer."

The hospital took as Xray of her suspiciously protruding wrist. I kept asking anyone who came in the exam room where her shot was... which part of the Xray machine was going to poke her? The doctor came in with a 5 inch syringe and a needle and told Avery he had something for her. Oh my goodness, you should have seen her jump back. LOL The ER doctor then reported that he did not see a break on the pictures and ordered her a brace to wear for a week for her "sprained and bruised" wrist. We were then released from the hospital.

Avery and I then made our way down to the beach where Vikki, Em, her daughter and Haley, Vikki's sister were hanging out with their dogs. The girls started building a habitat for the hermit crabs they had caught and Vikki and I sneaked off to have our sushi lunch. Oh and Suppora beer!
Here is a picture of Avery on the beach taken by Haley on her iphone.


What broken wrist?

Avery had taken off her brace and played in the sand and swam for an hour while I had lunch.

As soon as we got home, Edward told us the ER doctor had called to say that there was indeed a break on Avery's Xrays. The radiologist found it upon reviewing the pictures. Huh? Broken? Are you sure?

Avery now has to go to the orthopedist on Monday and get a cast. We have been told that she needs to not play rough until the cast is on because she can break the bone through and through very easily. Ahhh modern medicine and Ibuprofen. Gotta love em.

Happy 9th Birthday Cullen!

2010-08-20T01:30:00.001-05:00

We love you big mister!

Playing nice on the web

2010-08-17T13:51:00.013-05:00

What a concept... being nice! How often have you visited a blog, a help site or played an online game and were bombarded with nastiness. Its amazing how the anonymity of the web gives people a license to treat others with disdain and animosity. Well join the campaign to reawaken niceness.

Operation Nice!

Being nice is easy. There are many opportunities to be nice every day. It's amazing how difficult it is to be genuinely appreciative of someone's efforts. Or to encourage someone. But we definitely recognize when politeness is absent in our interchanges with others. So, its time to stand up, look people in the eye, say "thank you" or "You look great today." Anything that will give another person a lift, validate their existence or make them smile.

If you visit Operation Nice you can find all sorts of uplifting stories, challenges to impact the lives of those around you and downloads to make it all easier. They even have cards you can leave on the restaurant table thanking your waiter for the service provided. Sign up for their email. Oh, and get a button for your blog.

I have been receiving some great emails from Operation Nice that keep me thinking and projecting nice into my life. Here is the one I got today:

NICE Assignment: LML!

Posted: 16 Aug 2010 06:50 AM PDT

Hi guys! Did you have a lovely weekend? I did! Got to spend time with some friends, relax in the city, and took in a flick (Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, which rocked my socks). And in one week, I'll be lounging in my water hammock with a frosty beverage in my hand at an all-inclusive resort in the Riviera Maya. Say it with me now, "ahhhhhhhhhhhh."

If you guys follow me in Twitter or Facebook, you may have seen a post I made last Friday. As I was checking in on my pals, I noticed quite a few people were using "FML" in their status updates. That was kind of sad. I mean, we have so many things to be thankful for. You know, like life in general. And yeah, there are times when bad luck falls upon us and we really may be in an FML mood, but concentrating on the negative isn't going to be helpful.

So I think we need a counteractive LML (love my life) campaign going on!

Today's Assignment: LML!

Maybe it's because it's so much easier to complain online than to showcase the great things going on. Flat tire? FML. Root canal? FML. Wallet stolen? FML. But how often do we say, "My kids gave me a big hug! LML!" or "I won a blog contest! LML!" or "Just enjoyed the most delicious ice cream sundae! LML!" We need gratitude and positivity to overcome all the bellyaching online.

So here's my proposal. If you have a Twitter account or a Facebook profile or a blog, I want you to use "LML" or an #LML tag seven times this week. Once a day. There has to be something that makes you love your life every day.

For me? Well, you know that whole upcoming water hammock, frosty beverage, Riviera Maya thing I mentioned? Yeah, LML. Hardcore. :)

Well I am up for the task. Already for my LML for today complete. Do yours. It will make you feel great!

Having a Heart for the World

2010-08-17T11:41:00.000-05:00

You might notice to the right of this article a quote from Amma, a Hindu spiritual leader and teacher and world renowned saint whose extraordinary acts of love and self sacrifice have given rise to a vast network of spiritual and charitable activities.

When someone is full of Love and Compassion,
he cannot draw a line between
two countries, two faiths, or two religions. amma

It matters not that Amma and I do not share the same religion. We share the same heart of the world. We share the same love of God's purpose for our lives in the world. This is not only a religious and spiritual statement but it must also be a political one.

One of the first people I think of after reading this quote is Barack Obama. He has a heart for the world. Many Americans fear this focus on reconciliation and bridge building. It seems to me they are more comfortable being the bully on the world stage. President Obama's message at Cairo University, June 4, 2009 was representative of a shift in focus away from the extreme isolation America experienced under George W. Bush's administration. Mr. Obama seems to me more truly "Christian" in his words and actions.

It's easier to start wars than to end them. It's easier to blame others than to look inward. It's easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. There's one rule that lies at the heart of every religion -- that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. (Applause.) This truth transcends nations and peoples -- a belief that isn't new; that isn't black or white or brown; that isn't Christian or Muslim or Jew. It's a belief that pulsed in the cradle of civilization, and that still beats in the hearts of billions around the world. It's a faith in other people, and it's what brought me here today.

Interestingly enough, I was reading an article in the August 2010 issue of HomeLife a LifeWays publication, about this very subject. The article entitled, The Either or Proposition addressed the religious nationalism in America that limits the mission of Christians in the world. It surprised me to actually find this article in what I would consider a conservative magazine.

The word is LOVE!

This may be my own prejudice coming through here. I grew up in the North but live in the South. And though I have lived here 10 years and have come to love my home, I still carry some (mis)conceptions of the conservative South. Some of which I am sure are not misconceptions. I have a Democratic ffiliation. I cringe at the idea of the Republican party though my brother and husband would say they wear the Elephant button. My politics are liberal. I give all glory to God and allow God to Judge the "living and the dead." I live by the commandment to 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' And since I know that God has a heart for the whole world I consider my neighbor all of human kind. I always found the "WWJD" armbands cheesy, however, I will measure the rightness and wrongness of a situation based on just this question.

As I was thinking more about this topic I searched the web for what others might be saying. I found this fabulous article that takes on the topic from a political psychology angle. The article name is Globalization and Religious Nationalism: Self, Identity, and the Search for Ontological Security. The author's argument is the following:

The prominence of religion and nationalism, in novel interpretations, thus may engender the growth of new local identities in response to the destabilizing effects of globalization. It is at such times of “homelessness” and alienation that leaders may emerge to channel existential fears and feelings of loss and despair. The globalization of the local, or the global-local nexus, encourages resistance and rejection of traditional power structures (Haynes, 1999) as securitized subjectivity becomes the main priority among people who feel at a loss with their current social and economic situation. Rejecting one set of structures, however, means implementing a new or different set. The construction and reconstruction of historical symbols, myths, and chosen traumas supply alternative beliefs to everyday insecurity. The more inclusionary such beliefs are, the more exclusionary they tend to be for individuals or groups not included in the definition of these beliefs. The construction of self and other is therefore almost always a way to define superior and inferior beings. (my emphasis) Superior are those on the inside (of the religion or nation) who represent purity, order, truth, beauty, good, and right (order), while those on the outside are affected by pollution, falsity, ugliness, bad, and wrong (chaos) (see Bauman in Featherstone, 1995, pp. 143–170). The inside (the home) can bring order from the chaotic outside.

My argument is that nationalism and religion supply particularly powerful stories and beliefs (discourses) through their ability to convey a picture of security, of a “home” safe from intruders. They do this by being portrayed as resting on solid ground, as being true, thus creating a sense that the world really is what it appears to be. The world, in this view, “really” consists of a direct primordial relationship to a certain territory (a “home”) and/or to a certain god(s). In this way nationalism and religion, as identity-signifiers, are likely to increase ontological security while minimizing existential anxiety.

Basically, she is saying, that the expansion of economic, politics and human affairs into the global stage has given rise to insecurity and anxiety in the lives of individuals experience a sense of chaos in the world structure they live in. The them-or-us dichotomy born from 9/11 has encouraged an extreme patriotism and narrowing Christian mission in the world. I encourage you to read all of Ms. Catarina Kinnvall article.

So what am I saying? Only that it has always befuddled me that many Christians have a narrow understanding of who and where we should offer help. To have any compassion for another race, culture or religion makes your suspect. Can I really love my country and still believe that people should not be tortured? Can I uphold the rights of Muslims and Arabs and find genuine truths in their religious beliefs and still be a Christian? Because God's creation is global and God loves his creation I must assume and act on the belief that God's loves and honors all the people of the world. Then so must I. If that makes me radical or too liberal in the eyes of some, I will stand tall under that banner.

MISSING! Red eared sliders

2010-08-16T12:03:00.001-05:00

Two of our baby red eared slider turtles have gone missing. They were in the bath tub overnight in a small aquarium such as this one. Except I had no pebbles or platform.

The two smaller turtles were in there with a larger turtle. I had placed them there while I cleaned their much larger tank in my son's room. I was waiting for help to get the larger tank outside. So the turtles were living in the bath tub.

I fed them last Thursday morning. There were three turtles. I went to Avery school and spoke to her teacher about a few things. By the time I left I had offered one of our baby turtles as the class pet. I had the extra aquarium and pebbles. I told the kids when I picked them up from school that one of the turtles was going to Avery's classroom for the school year. I actually expected more upset but there was really nothing said.

The next morning I went to feed the turtles, since sadly, they were still in the bathtub. Now there was only one turtle. The large turtle was alone. Missing were the two little turtles. It was just strange. Where could two baby turtles get too? They couldn't get out of the Aquarium, never mind the bath tub.

The only time another one of our pets went missing was when Cullen's fighting fish disappeared from its fish bowl. It was in the house less than a day when it evaporated into thin air. Later the same day I noticed that the fish was gone I found our cat, Flirt, sitting over the bowl. Never had I seen him up on the dresser before this day.

So I have 4 suspects; Cullen, Avery, Connor and Flirt. I can pretty much remove Cullen from the list. The idea of letting his turtles go makes him burst into tears. So I know he would not have done anything to harm them.

Avery on the other hand, would be motivated to keep those baby turtles to herself and not share them with her class mates. I remember telling her that she could not, under any circumstances tell her classmates that the turtle was hers and not their. It belonged to the whole class for the duration it was in Ms. Latil's room.

Connor, who has recently turned into a "real boy". He loves to tease his sister until she is in tears. He loves to call people names, "Yes, Mrs Frenchfry". He is very good at ignoring me. And he makes a habit of getting into his brother and sisters things when they are not around. However, he is a little skiddish when it comes to bugs and other crawling animals. He wants to touch them but gets immediately freaked out and drops them.

Flirt, on the other hand, already has a criminal record. But imaging him removing two turtles from 5 inches of water and then getting them out of the bathtub too seems pretty far fetched. He would have had to reach over the rim of the tank and into the water. Balanced the turtle with his paw and flung it up and out of the tank, twice. Really? Really?

When the 4 suspects were told of the turtles disappearance there was really little to no response from any of them. I have prodded, cajoled, threatened and bribed the truth out of each of them. And nothing! I have no confessions, expect the one Avery came up with when I offered her $20 to tell me where the turtles were. Her confession was a pretty good but it pretty much exonerated her.

I keep my nose sniffing for dead turtle smells and my eyes peeled for baby turtle shells but so far, the mystery of the missing turtles has not been solved.

Hybrid Dogs? Really?

2010-08-13T13:14:00.012-05:00

The dailydump.com

I was surfing the net today looking up temperament information on our new dog who is part Chihuahua. After looking up the temperament information on the pure bred chihuahua, I decided to look up "chihuahua-terrier mix" just for hoots. The remember the gentlemen at the humane society saying that there were a lot of people breeding these two types of dogs together. His comment struck me but I didn't think much more about it until I was doing this search online.

Apparently, designer or hybrid dogs all very popular and there are associations that support the cross breeding of pure bred dogs to get certain looks, temperaments, etc.

I grew up attending and participating in dog shows where both obedience and breed classes were taking place. My stepfather was an AKC (American Kennel Club) judge and breeder of pure bred German Shepherds. He was a judge in both the breed ring and obedience ring. The AKC regulates and upholds the standards of American dog breeds

The national parent club (meaning the parent club of a particular breed) creates a "blueprint" or written description for the purpose, appearance, temperament, structure, and essence of what differentiates one breed from another. This essence is known as "type," and this written description is known as a "breed standard." The breed standards are the guidelines by which breeders and judges measure the quality of the dog, and thereby strive to improve the breed towards the ideal. The breed standard is an agreed upon standard of excellence.

So each breed had a standard, the aim of producing puppies from dogs that met the standard was to create dogs that were even closer to the standard or more perfect than the next. The standard would measure things like general appearance, size, proportion, head, neck, top line, body, forequarters, hindquarters, coat, color, gait, temperament and specific disqualifications. Dogs that had flaws in coloring, height, movement, etc. did not meet the standard and were sold as "pet quality". They could not be shown in the breed ring nor could they be bred. This was to insure that the flaws were not passed down into the next generation.

A breeder who is a member of the AKC is trying to produce superior dogs and control the reproduction of inferior dogs. For this reason, when a female dog came into season and accidentally or unknowingly bred with a dog not of the same breed or of inferior quality to the standard of that breed, the puppies were automatically considered "pet quality". This was never a good thing from a breeders perspective.

So all this to say... I have never in my life heard of intentional breeding of two different breeds or that there was an industry focused solely on producing these animals. I have heard cross bred dogs called names like Peke-a-poos for a Pekingese and Poodle coupling... but always assumed this was just a cutesy name for a mistake. We always called them mutts.

Apparently the difference between a mutt and a designer dog is that a mutt comes from uncertain ancestry and a hybrid dog is from the intentional breeding of two different breeds. The ACHC (American Canine Hybrid Club) is the leading registry for designer dogs and its purpose is to keep track of parenting and ancestry in these hybrid dogs. You can find a list of recognized hybrid dogs here. DDKC (Designer Dogs Kennel Club) is another organization which does the same things as the ACHC mentioned above.

The thing about these designer dogs is that you can get any combination of any of the characteristics of each breed. And unlike the standards of the pure bred kennel clubs you can never know what you are getting in terms of appearance. I looked up Peke-a-Poo in order to get a sense of what a dog with these two type parents would look like. What I found was quite a variation of offspring. Here are three Peke-a-poos I found on the web:

Here is what the pure bred parents of Peke-a-poos might look like.

Pekingese

Poodle

Here are three Peek-a-poo puppies:

I am not sure what is being designed here other than a proximity to a temperament. And be assured that a good temperament is a one of the most important aspect of a dog. But there is sure no way of "designing" a dog that has a specific look. Every litter produced would be an unknown until they were born. Since the "look" of a certain breed can more easily be gotten from its purebred parents what is the reason for "designing" something new except to have something no one else has. Kinda like having a Louis Vuitton bag. Its a bag like any other bag... just costs lots and lots more to have the name of the designer applied. As for me, I will make the journey to my local humane society and find just the perfect "designer" dog made by accident and lovable regardless.

Guess who turns 7 years old today!

2010-08-11T11:30:00.006-05:00

It's Avery!
This was a picture I took of her before she could walk.
We call this her Princess Sasha photo because she looks like a Russian princess.

This, of course, is her now. Isn't she becoming quite a young lady!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AVERY!
We love you bunches!

Introducing Fritz

2010-08-11T11:12:00.009-05:00

Head to big for his body? You be the judge.

The kids and I went to the Humane Society of Southern Mississippi, HSSM, this past Saturday and adopted a new dog. The house and my heart felt so empty with Max gone. So filling it became a priority.

After some frustrating moments during the choosing and a few tears when we had to leave him behind to get neutered he is now home. His name is Fritz. He is a year old and a Chihuahua mix.

Sadly, many of the dogs waiting for adoption are Heartworm positive. And they do not test them until the first person shows a interest in adopting. So you can get excited about a dog only to find out they have heartworms. Cullen fell in love with a female Beagle mix but she was HW+ and would require 2 months of confinement while medication is administered. The HSSM pays for the medicine but still its a hard therapy for the dog and I didn't think it was fair to do that to the kids after losing Max.

Fritz is very sweet, confident and well socialized. He came out of the Spay and Neuter Clinic perky and ready to go. He jumped right into the car without hesitation. He came home with a cold and some medication. Tomorrow he goes to see Dr. Lisa for his free health evaluation. I am not taking any chances after losing Max.

Edward seems to think his head is too big for his body... or disproportionate anyway. But that is what caught my attention at the shelter. I am glad he is part of our family.

Connor went with me to get Fritz. Avery and Cullen are at school. Connor is very excited to have the dog. And Fritz is very gentle with him. Fritz likes to follow me around and when I sit down on the ground he climbs into my lap. Connor says, "I really likes this dog. He is a love bug just like me." I agree, they are both love bugs.

What I did on Summer Vacation, part 1

2010-08-10T14:20:00.006-05:00

Needless to say, summer vacation went fast! I always dread it because I know the kids will need entertaining. But it appears they are growing up. (Hey Hey, who would have thunk it.)

Avery and Connor did swim lessons during different weeks of the early summer. There were lots of overnights and kid swaps. And then came our trip to San Antonio which we had been planning for a good 6 months. We had decided to save money and do a travel trip rather than the Disney World, yet again. Not sure how San Antonia was decided on. It seems so long ago. But Doc had lived there for a year and taught at a girls alternative high school. I have those girls to thank for Doc never leaving the house without styling gel in his hair.


San Antonio skyline

Of course there is some great history in San Antonia. We wanted to go somewhere educational for the kids with lots of interesting places to experience. We stayed at the historic Menger Hotel right across the square from the Alamo. It was within walking distance of everything and quite a good buy. I love the Hampton Inn and we usually stay in one during our vacations but Doc really wanted to experience the history of the city. We stayed here two nights and then planned to move to a Hampton Inn. The one a few blocks away was actually $50 more a night than the Menger which sent us looking farther outside the city. But we did find one not too far away and enjoyed the rest of our vacation there.

The Menger Hotel

The history of the missions in and around San Antonio built by the Franciscans and Spanish church is quite captivating. The story of the Alamo is central to how San Antonio became part of the newly formed United States. We watched a short movie, Alamo, The Price of Freedom, being shown in the IMAX theatre inside the Rivercenter mall downtown, blocks from the Alamo itself. It tells the story of the Alamo which is quite informative. The acting is not very good but the cinematic are compelling. I for one did not know that during the time of the siege against the mission San Antonia de Valero or the Alamo as its known Texas was not yet a state. The land still belongs to Spain.


The Alamo

There are some faces you might recognize in the movie also. Patrick Swazy's brother plays a pretty substantial part and he walks just like his brother. A little too much horse back riding as a kid, I would imagine.

We also attended a bi-ligual mass at the Mission Concepcion established in 1731. There are 5 missions in and around San Antonio. The Mission Concepcion is quite large. As all the missions are, Mission Concepcion is part of the State Park Organization. We took a guided tour lead by a park ranger before attending mass. Remnants of original wall and ceiling paintings in the surviving rooms of the mission's convento have been conserved. Exhibits lead visitors through the grounds and into various quarters set up as they were at the time of the mission's inception. The mass was a great cultural experience for the kids. The mass itself was said in English but the music was in Spanish and a mariachi band accompanied the singing.

So what can happen in a year? Part 2

2010-08-08T21:32:00.002-05:00

So other than trying to sell a house, adopting a dog, burying a dog, vacuuming, vacuuming vacuuming... I have also dipped my feet into the DIY world. For those of you not obsessed with HGTV, (Hellllooo! Get with the program(s)!) DIY or Do-It-Yourself projects have pretty much been an obsession since we put the house on the market. They have also been a necessity. We are selling the house to get out from under the massive mortgage made heavier by homeowners insurance that more than doubled since Katrina. Putting a lot of money into a house whose value has plummeted since the economies down turn is just not feasible nor possible. So, BUM BUM BUM BAA, in comes Handy Homeowner.

A small list of my accomplishments, of which I am very proud.

Removed my kitchen sink, faucet, etc to make ready for new counter tops. This included removing the plumping connections below the since.
Replacing my old faucet, hot and cold handles and sprayer with a new one and connecting the hot and cold water back up.
Replacing a plumbing pipe or two under the kitchen sink in order to secure the water pipes would fail as they had in the past thereby flooding the cabinet under the sink.
Patching and repainting wall blemishes.
Painting the front stairs and restaining the front porch.
Removing the glass shower doors from the main floor bathroom and replacing it with a shower curtain.
Removing the dated toilet paper holding and towel rack from the main floor bathroom, patching the walls and replacing with updated fixtures.

Not too shabby if I do say so myself. But the big projects still lie ahead. Here is what I want to do when I find the courage and watch enough YouTube Vidoes.

Remove the very out of date bathroom counter, sink and faucets in the main floor bathroom and replace with a nice stand alone vanity and sink. (Oh gosh will there be ceramic tile under the counter or will I have opened a flooring can of worms?)
Remove the wall to wall mirror in the same bathroom and replace with a nice up to date medicine cabinet. (7 years bad luck... will never get the house sold.)
Remove the ceramic tile from around the fireplace and replace with an updated and colorful alternative. (Grouting... scary!)
Install a kitchen back splash that compliments my new kitchen counters. (Grouting... scary!)
Sand and re-varnish the wood floors which, by the way, need it desperately.

The sadly funny thing about the DIY stuff is the more I do, the stronger connection I feel to this stupid house. Is my ambivalence showing... eek!

So what can happen in a year? Part 1

2010-08-07T22:39:00.013-05:00

Its been almost a year since I posted on my blog. What is my excuse? I have none. My life goes in fits and starts. I get caught up in one thing and my focus in there 100%.

Its not like the last year has been quiet and uneventful. Life has gone on. Things exciting things have happened and some thing have stayed agonizingly the same.


Home sweet home

This past year my focus has been on preparing to sell the house and maintaining some as-semblance of order as we wait for the one crazy, mixed up buyer who wants to make this house their home. With three children in the house, keeping order has not been easy. I attempted to sell one of the children to the gypsies so I could afford a new Kirby vacuum. Doc took offense and I financed it instead. But man this vacuum can do anything you want. It comes with an over abundance of attachments that spit, shine, polish and suck anything in their way. It even has an attachment you can use for a scalp massage. The suction is so strong I am sure I can vacuum fleas right off the dog... while he is getting his massage.

Amazing Kirby

But anyway, the house continues to be on the market... after more than a year. And other than the house needing to be kept in order... the lawns are also giving me fits. Or should I say, the riding lawn mower. I think it has broken down about 8 times since the Spring. We just got it on the trailer a few weeks ago. It spent 3 weeks at the service center and came home last week. I tried to mow the lawn yesterday and it began smoking again when I engaged the blade. I am ready to drive it into the bayou. And I would if I could make up a believable story to tell Doc... really, I would settle for half believable. Needless to say it is on its way back to the service center on Monday.

Max

We adopted a wonderful dog from the Humane Society at our towns Earth Day celebration. in April. We named him Max. We lost him to liver failure only 2 weeks go. He was a wonderful dog and brought us all such joy. It is hard to explain the pain of grief at his death. He had a short life being only 3 and had spent the last 6 months before we adopted him in a kennel at the humane society. But his last months were a gift. He ran free on our six acres. It was so fun to see him racing through the pastures. He loved riding in the car and getting treats from the coffee place. Avery and he were best buddies when it came time to play. And he was my boy. And he is gone. He laid on my lap as he took his last breath and we buried by the barn. I still cry for him. The kid's think I am losing it. Today we went to the HSSM and picked out a new dog. He may not replace Max but he will fill the quietness that Max left behind.

The kids have all grown taller and are facing the next birthdays. Avery will be 7 on Wednesday. Cullen will be 9 (OMG) on the 20th and Connor, my baby (cough) will be 5 in November. Their vocabularies have expanded. Their attitudes have grown. Their peskiness has multiplied by leaps and bounds but the summer is over and now I am not the only one who has to stare them down without exposing the fear I have for their futures as normal children. I asked Avery how her day at school went on Friday. She replied, "Not good. My teacher is still being bossy." Good luck, Ms. Latil.

Friday Blues Turned Pinkish

2009-11-13T17:36:00.007-06:00

Click on the picture to see it larger.

The Boys were home from school today. Each at a different stage of a nasty cold. Every felt the worst this morning when she realized she was the only one actually going to school. I promised to pick her up at school so she would not have to ride the bus.

I believe once, just once I took the kids to Sonic on a Friday after school. Now, it seems, I have created slushy monsters who all but demand Sonic if its Friday and they are being picked up. It is exhausting to have to argue about why we are not going to Sonic. And though Avery got to sit in the front seat she was as miserable at the end of the day as she was at the beginning.

So I whipped out my digital camera to celebrate her misery. What else can a mother do? These are the pictures that resulted. They are randomly placed by my software program and are not in order of the way they were taken. She did not want me to take her picture at first. That is what started the covering her face thing but I am pretty good at bringing out the silly in Avery. She soon forgets her misery but no worries, she can sniff out unfairness in her world like a hound dog. Let's enjoy the smiles for a bit.

Oh, the indignity!

2009-11-03T17:06:00.006-06:00

This was our house the evening of Halloween! Its a first for us!

The kids actually fell asleep side by side in our bed alone. There was no fighting. No complaints of someone being too close or, heaven forbid, touching another person. There was no need for prayers or tucking in or anything. This was cake, pie, you name it.

I had to actually call Edward upstairs to see the sight. He too could not believe they were all sleeping in our bed. As you can see, Avery and Cullen are actually sleeping next too each other. Someone call the Guinness Book of World Records. This is a BIG one!

And it even gets better!

Here is a little closer look for you! Not only are Avery and Cullen sleeping next to each other peacefully, but there is so much reason for major upset to be happening had they been conscious.

I can not tell you the accusations that would have went flying. And yet here they are and Cullen has no idea of the indignity that Avery has thrust upon him.

Oh but it gets better!

Let me give you an even closer view. Its just too good!

When I showed Cullen the photo he smirks and said, "What are Connor and Avery doing?"

My reply, "That is you."

To which I got a rapid mouth movement from smirk to the biggest open mouth, "huh, what?!".

Oh my goodness was it priceless!

And that ladies and gentlemen is why Mommy ran and got the camera and took these pictures.

Cullen's look was more than worth it!

Oh the joy's of parenthood. They may be few and far between but they are priceless.

Halloween 2009

2009-10-31T20:36:00.012-05:00

Here are the kids right before we went out Trick or Treating.
The Notre Dame game was just about to start so Edward had to first torture us with setting up the VCR.

Cullen is dressed as Anakin Skywalker. I think the mask is rather freaky.
We have never let Cullen watch the end of the third Star Wars movie because it is so dark and violent. Anakin's transformation is pretty disillusioning. So he still romanticizes Anakin.
The "Lightsaver", as Cullen calls it, was a necessity for the costume. His grandmommy gave him $5.oo as part of his Halloween treat bag. He used the money to buy the weapon.

I don't think Avery had any real idea what she wanted to be though she tended towards any character that had royal blood. In the end she choice Cleopatra. Edward and I were so enthusiastic about it and we thought not many children would be dressed as her.
As you can see in the pictures there is not one pose she has chosen that is out of place for the Queen of Egypt. Not sure where she got her ideas but they are right on.

Connor chose a Transformer costume. It was his choice. He chose it fast. He is Optimus Prime, though I don't think he cares or knows who that is. But he will gladly tell anyone who asked, or doesn't ask that he is "going to be a TRANSformer." Stress on the "trans" part. As we were Trick or Treating his mask got in the way of him seeing steps, pot holes and sewer drains but he would not take it off. And though he got tired on those little legs he would not let anyone carry his candy. But carry him? Now that was ok.
This is Connor joking about trying to suck his thumb with the mask on.

Here is out action shot.
You might notice that Anakin 's trying to one shot Cleopatra.
Its funny how art imitates life.
Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-29T20:29:00.003-05:00

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Googles New Picaso Photography Software

2009-10-26T13:06:00.009-05:00

Connor went to a birthday party for a little girl in his preschool class named Sydney. I took alot of pictures there of Connor and his "best buddy" John. I wanted so badly to get them onto the computer. I lost my Paint Shop Pro 9 with the computer that got fried by lightening. So I decided to go looking for a free graphics program online. Well it just so happens Google has a new program out there called Picaso. AND it is free, free, free! Here is what it can do.

This is the birthday girl Sydney. I tinted this picture of her. Her birthday color was pink. Girly girl all the way. In the picture below I did a focus only on her and let the other parts of the picture blur a bit.
Here is Connor and John. They were being very silly while they were eating. I took the picture when Connor was turning his head so it was kind of blurry on him. So I sharpened the picture dramatically to bring him into focus... then I added a film grain to hide the graininess of the sharpening.

Here is a picture of Connor's whole preschool class. They all made it to the party. Because i am so thrilled that Connor has a friend of his own I wanted to honor that in this picture so I did a focus black and white. I focused on the boys faces and everything else around it fades to black and white.

I really am in love with this program. It gives you lots of ways to not only correct your photos before saving them to your computer but you can also create collages, movies and other fun graphics. Its simple enough for the novice and gives enough added features for playing with color, texture, and fine tuning of images that you will want to give up the software that came with your camera. I promise. And did I mention that it is FREE!

My New Budgie Baby

2009-10-26T12:53:00.006-05:00

This is Jethro. He is my new parakeet baby. He just left his nesting box a few days ago and has learned to climb the cage sides and sit on the perch with his mom.

This is his mommy. She is staying with us until Jethro can feed himself. Right now he is still begging for food. Avery wanted to call him Jeopardy which is a great name for a bird living in a house with three cats. But I liked Jethro. He is named after Mark Harmon's character in NCIS.

If you look closely you can see the resemblance. Salt and pepper hair and blue highlights. Of course, we have no idea if Jethro, the parakeet, is a male or female. We have a couple more weeks to make the distinction. But oh my goodness he is so cute. I can hardly stand it. Umm, the bird, I mean.

It's scary around here!

2009-10-13T20:56:00.003-05:00

Avery and Connor after a visit to the Dollar Tree with their Grandmommy.

Daisy Girl Scouts

2009-10-13T16:25:00.004-05:00

I am now a troop leader for Avery's Daisy Troop. We started this school year and there are 9 girls in the troop. Its been very fun so far. The girls have lots and lots of energy. We meet in one of the spare rooms at the Christus Victor Lutheran Church. They have been great about sharing their space.

Right now we are learning The GS Promise and The Girl Scout Law.

The Girl Scout Promise
On my honor, I will try:
To serve God* and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law.
The Girl Scout Law
I will do my best to be
honest and fair,
friendly and helpful,
considerate and caring,
courageous and strong, and
responsible for what I say and do,
and to
respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better place, and
be a sister to every Girl Scout.

The program is a wonderful way for girls to develop a sense of self while understanding their relationship to the community and the world around them. We will be doing some service programming to give them an idea of how they can make a difference to others. And we will be earning patches centered around the themes in the Law.

I am especially excited about the Ms President Patch. I think it will be a wonderful way for the girls to realize even at this young age that women can and have made a difference in the history of this country and more importantly so can they.

Barack Obama: I claim him too

2009-10-08T09:16:00.003-05:00

I just finished reading Barack Obama's, Dreams from My Father.
I could not put it down. Not only because it gives great insight into a man I admire but also because he tackles the topic of personal identity and race. There were so many opportunities to both learn and identify from his story.

One of the reasons I have always liked Mr. Obama is that I sense in him a person who knew who he was. He had claims to a unique perspective of race. We all live in a society of black and white. And most of us only have one perspective. We have to deduce from a slanted view point the other sides. But Mr. Obama struggled personally from both sides. He could see the prejudices, short sightedness, ignorance and naivete from both perspectives that perpetuate racism, fear and distrust. And with this knowledge he had to figure out who he was. He is honest in his struggle to understand a father he hardly knew. He grew up in a white household, mother and grandparents who did their best at loving and teaching him well. But he grappled with his identity as a young black man. Claiming either extreme, black or white, would deny his family or his ancestry. And in the end he forms himself into a man to be admired and awed. His struggle for identity mirrors the struggle of every individual who grows from childhood to adulthood and must make sense of the hurts, ambiguities and scars of days gone by.

I am thrilled that he trusted his own voice in telling the story. Since I hear him often in news reels I know his voice. So it was easy for me to hear him telling the story in my head as he read. He let me right into his mind... to the grappling and tossing and turning of thoughts, beliefs and values. I am proud to live in a country where the story of a whole nation can be expressed in the reflections of this one man. He claims us as his own. Barack Obama, I claim you too.

Support Obama on health care reform

2009-10-06T12:25:00.006-05:00

On Wednesday, President Obama reaffirmed his support for a public health insurance option--the key piece of health care reform that will provide coverage for all Americans and help bring costs down.

But as the health care fight heats up, right-wing lobbyists and conservatives in Congress are working hard to kill the public health insurance option.

I signed a petition today telling Congress I stand with Obama on health care reform. Can you join me at the link below?

http://pol.moveon.org/popetition/

For more information on health care reform visit Reality Check.

Thanks!

Health Care Reform? How bout Healthcare Compassion?

2009-10-06T09:03:00.004-05:00

I get regular emails from MoveOn.org. They keep me abreast of the happening in the progressive political scene. A scene that I identify with even if I am not active in pursuing its agenda. But today I received an email about a woman with two brain tumors. One diagnosed in 2005 and another in 2007. CIGNA is her health care insurer. Well, what i mean is that she pays them money for coverage and they deny her claims.

As the country debates the need for healthcare reform and guarenteed healthcare for all, her story is more than relevant. For 2 years she was denied coverage for the treatment she needed for the treatable brain tumors. Move On. Org helped her force the company to agree to treatment but has never explained why she was denied for so long.

You can see Dawn's story on YouTube.

Visit her blog, It Could Happen To Anyone, to read about her story and her trip to the CIGNA headquarters to confront the CEO about her denial of coverage.

Facing the Rains

2009-04-16T07:16:00.005-05:00

"It's enough to be here."

2009-01-20T09:44:00.004-06:00

I have been listening to the news since early this morning, NPR, CNN and now ABC as they cover the inauguration of Barack Obama. I am not one to watch televised news events. Not being there usually makes it stale and uninteresting for me. And for the last 8 years I have cringed at the word and intinations of our outgoing president. But today, I want to be apart of it. I want to make a memory that I can keep for the rest of my life. And also to help put into perspective the events of my past.

I grew up in the 70s in a suburb outside Boston. I did not know, when I lived it, that it was an historic time too. It was a wealthy suburb, though my family was not wealthy. My mom raised four kids alone and we did not have alot. African American children were being bussed into our town to go to school with us. From second grade onward, til I graduated high school, I went to school with kids from Boston. I remember Angela, who was a tough kid but my friend. In third grade I remember running away from her in home room after we had a verbal interchange. She said I had no lips which is true. My upper lip is very thin. And I said something about her plump, thick lips, though I am not sure what it was, that made her angry enough to chase me around desks in the class room. Somewhere in there was the racial struggle that we were thrown into. And yet 10 years later we all graduated together. Yes, there were upsets and fight, racial slurs and discrimination. I remember one snowy day waiting for the dismissal bus outside the high school and a snow ball fight turned into a brawl between the white and African American students.

30 years later I am still making sense of that experience. I have recently been back in touch through Facebook with a guy I knew back then. I always remembered him as funny and gentle. He tried to keep the peace between the races but also tried to be a friend to everyone. I have not seen him in 30 years but still have great affection for him.

I know today means so much to so many. We all have a history of experiences that form our lives. Many people have layed their hopes on Barack Obama. I hope his shoulders can carry them all. He carries my hopes for a kinder, gentler world, one full of justice and equality. I pray for hima nd his family. I pray for President Obama's safety. I pray that he does not feel the weight of the office but rather the joy of this opportunity to serve the country and the world. I look forward to seeing what is to come of us with Barack at the helm.

I am mostly excited about the fact that my children will never have lived during a time when an African American was not and could not be President of the United States. And I know there are African American children who see the world differently today because the dream that you can be whatever you want to be with hard work and determination reglardless of race is really a reality.

I heard people interviewed on NPR who really are so far away from the activities of the day but care not. Thousands of miles of travel, cold and lack of sleep and still they are just happy to be a part of the event. For them it is enough to just be there. To stand, to make a memory and to represent their history and how it is linked to what is happening this day, right now.

It is enough for me, in Mississippi, to be here, alive and celebrating this day in front of the television. Its enough just to be here.

Andrew Wyeth dies at age 91.

2009-01-16T21:29:00.003-06:00

This week we have said goodbye to two iconic individuals. Ricardo Montalban and Andrew Wyeth. Both gentlemen were somewhat large in my childhood memory. Mr. Montalban for Friday night TV on Fantasy Island. "Da Plane! Da Plane Boss!" Who could forget... if you were old enough to remember.

But Andrew Wyeth gave me my first glimpse into art. My mother loved his prints and we had a number of them around the house. Alot fo which were window prints. All different windows... wood framed, ones with curtains billowing. They always have stuck in my memory the most. You can see a few of his pieces at Humanities Web, including one his most famous painting entitled, Sophie's World. The one above, The Master Bedroom, Doc and I received for a wedding gift. Unfortunately it was lost in Katrina.

It is sure that Andrew Wyeth's legacy is a rich one that will live long in the memory of this country. I am sad to hear of his death but his art keeps him present in the lives of many.

Hey Israel, leave Gaza alone!

2009-01-13T08:52:00.010-06:00

I have found so much reading on the Israel-Palestinian conflict, as well as the history of the United State's support of Israel. I have read timelines, brief histories and commentaries. The history is interesting and compelling. The maps are probably the most compelling. When you see how the Palestinians land has shrunk over the history of the conflict its indisputable who has the upper hand. If you look at the map above its doesn't even represent the last 9 years.

I found this map at Palestine Think Tank.com. (Click on map to see a larger view)It at least gives us some idea of how Gaza has shrunk up to 2006. You can also see the way that Israel has slowly eroded the Palestinian lands by erecting settlements that make Gaza and the West Bank look like spider legs. Even now the West Bank and Gaza are totally cut off from one another and Gaza residents have limited humanitarian support coming in. Can you imagine living your life in daily fear. And never mind you, you grown up, what about the children. Its no wonder that the mentality of an eye for an eye has corroded the societies of both sides to the point human innocent casualties are just a by product of this ongoing conflict.

We know who the under dog is in this war. Palestinians fight for dignity and freedom and for their homeland. Never mind that Israel came in and "bought" the lands they originally occupied and settled in to make a desert into an oasis. What they did was slowly grab land and create a desert of destruction for those who had little political voice and had to settle for bombs and sniper fire and maintain even an inch of their dignity.

I do not understand why the US supports the actions of Israel. As a graduate of seminary I have great respect for the history of the Israel as it is represented in the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament). I also feel a great connection to the Jewish religion as it lays the foundation for Christianity and can not be set aside if Christianity is to be fully understood. Jesus himself was a Jew. He grew up in Jewish culture and religion. As I love God, I must respect all of God's creation. But the great history of a people can not negate the violence Israel as a political State has done in the name of "homeland". It has been said that the US supports Israel because we are two of a kind... creating country out of nothing. On the surface this may be true. Our origins may be similar. And the atrocities that the US perpetrated on the natives of this great land might even be similar to what is happening between Palestine and Israel but this does not negate the fact that the actions taken by the US against the natives and Israel against Palestine are dead wrong. Violence, suppression and dislocation are never morally correct. And it is on the power who has the power to do the right thing. If they, Israel, can not see what "the right thing" is, then a third party, i.e the UN, must represent a clear picture of the moral high ground.

The U.S. must take a moral stand rather than abstaining on votes or supporting Israel just because we have intertwined political, economic and social history. I hate the idea of the United States being the world police. But I think the US, until recently, has tried to take stands that represent our history of liberty. Sure both Israel and Palestine deserve this but in the calculations it is clear who is suffering from a whoaful (Is that a word?)deficit that needs some recalculating.

My new website entrance design

2009-01-09T16:27:00.004-06:00

I use to have a website with a url thatgirldesinz.com. Unfortunately, as an over site my hosting lapsed and my url got bought up. So I have gotten around to rectifying the situation. It requires that I buy an new url (internet address) which I have. Its called thatgirlsgroovin.com. From the entry page above you will be able to get to my Paintshop Pro tutorials, my design blog, a gallery of my digital scrapbook layouts, my personal blog, as well as a way to email me.

I have other work to do before the site can be launched. My design blog needs to be over hauled.
And I need to do some html coding to link this home page to my gallery. But for the most part the site should ne up in the next couple days.

Scared to make a move

2009-01-06T08:11:00.005-06:00

You ever have one of those days where no matter what you do, your impact on the world seems to be nil. That is what my day was like yesterday.

It started out fine, well, what I mean is nothing new. My car battery was dead... Again. The 6th time in two weeks. Luckily, we have a battery charger. But the thought of going into the world with an untrustworthy battery sent shivers down my spine. Three kids in the car and 6 stops to make was a disaster waiting to happen, never mind the battery going dead and being stranded with said children. I actually came into the house while the car was charging at canceled my appointment to have my blood pressure follow up. I knew that would not turn out well.

So the battery got charged and off we went. I needed to go to the UPS store, Post Office, bank, library, grocery store and the all important coffee drive through, as well as my friends Vikki's house to drop off her Christmas present. Luckily, Vikki's hubby was home and suggested i go to the Auto store. He said they would check my alternator and battery for free, tell me what was wrong and actually change out the battery. That is exactly what I did. $100 was not too much for a little peace of mind. I completed all my errands and got home right before lunch. I felt like I had conquered the world. Stephanie 1, Universe 0!

Here is where it turned bad. The Universe must have gotten wind of my puffed-upness (I made that word up. Feel free to use it as your discretion.) and started whispering in my children's ears about how to make the score more even. It starts as it always does, rambunctious kids who will not listen. I am not sure how many times I spoke to them about running around, hitting, playing rough and being loud. But let's just say it was in the millions. (Hey, I am due for some exaggeration.) I specially love the fake and real crying. I am an expert at telling the difference.

By the end of the afternoon I was at my wits end. I was in the bedroom sitting with my 3 year old while he fell asleep. I heard a big crash and ran in the direction of the living room. What I found was my most beautiful tiffany lamp shade on the floor. Green glass everywhere and a huge dent on one side of the shade. I also found my daughter. She said she was "sorry". Luckily I am well mediated because I was pretty calm. Instead of yelling, I just started balling. The worst thing I could have thought of had come to pass. (Well, not the worst, but of a certain category.) Avery rubbed my back and came up with ways in which we could "fix" it while I cried. I eventually sent the kids to my room while I cried to Doc on the telephone. I eventually got use to the fact that my lamp was irrevocably damaged. I had been bettered by Avery and the Universe. I was no longer "puffed-up".

The fighting and squabling continued even after Doc got home. I decided I better get the kids ready for the first day back at school. I sent Avery to the shower where she eventually clogged up the drain. Oh and this was my bathroom, my sacred space. *Big Sigh* I plunged and plunged and little bits of paper kept coming up out of the drain. But I could not get the water to go down. Avery could not come up with an answer about what exactly she sent down the drain. I really could have killed her at about this time. It doesn't end there either.

About twenty minutes later I hear another crash and what do I find but Avery and Connor playing around a glass table and one of my decorative flowers in a pottery pot which was sitting on said table is broken. I was dumb founded. Does noone learn anything around here. What is the lesson I have missed cause I sure know my kids must be clueless or worse. I called for Doc and told him they had broken something else. Speechless, I walk to the bedroom and slammed the door. Doc put the kids to bed while I contemplated how I had wronged the universe.

Maybe I should have been happy with one child. Maybe I am too lenient. Would a good beating maek more of an impact. Or maybe I need to spend more time on my knees looking deep into my children's eyes and asking them how their feeling and what they need. I will tell you one thing. What I am doing is not working. I am scared to make a move. I don't think I know how to parent. If Doc and I disappeared off the face of the earth this household would go on exactly as it has been with the screaming, fighting, hitting and mess making. So what the heck am I doing here. I am here to make an impact on my kid's lives. To mold them and help them grow into the people God wants them to be. But I am yet that person. It's the blind leading the blind. And the blind are winning.

Luckily, a good night sleep allowed my anger and sadness to melt away. The kid's being back in school allows me so time to think and regroup. Locking the children outside during the day... would not be considered child abuse? Or do I need another plan.

That Girl website revised

2009-01-05T17:34:00.005-06:00

I am working on my new website. Here is the "Enter" page. I am working from a template which allows me to go in and change the text, colors and links. The main links are a lime green but when you mouse over they turn to the aqua color and give you some added text to describe where the link will take you. I love it. The colors even match my blog which makes me feel warm and toasty inside.

I am going to include my Paint Shop Pro tutorials, my blog headers and my digital scrapbook gallery in the site. I suspect it will get pretty large. I need hosting and to buy my domain name. For some reason the last company I worked with let it slide and someone bought it up. *sigh*

Getting back into HTML and CSS coding has been real fun. I can not wait to launch the site. I still have to build pages for each link on the "Enter" page. I want to figure out a way to use my blog avatar on the "Enter" page too. That will look so cute. This is an exciting way to spend my time.

New Year Dreadolutions

2009-01-04T09:12:00.004-06:00

I have so many resolutions for the new year but I am quite sure I will fail miserable on them. Too many changes have to be made. Too many sacrifices to count. I need a focus. One thing might be doable but the resolution to change my whole life has to be let go. I don't like to speak my resolutions either because then everyone is watching to see if you keep it. At least that is what I think, anyway. Betsie, my niece, asked if I had a resolution ... my answer "Ummm yes... ahhhh no!" See how ambivalent I am?

So I have decided to list those things I know I can do. These are my resolutions for the new year. They require no change to my current behaviors or attitudes so I know I can succeed.

Here they are in no meaningful order:

Scream at my kids
Think a lot about cleaning the baseboards
Eat chocolate
Do less laundry than is necessary
Keep the sink full of dishes
Put up with my kid's guff
Use the time out chair lots and lots
Cook food my kid's won't eat
Don't look under any beds for lost items or dust bunnies
Send the kid's outside to fight
Make my kid's go to bed on time
Keep my bedroom floor clear of children's sleeping bags and bedding
Vacuum only when necessary
Give Doc a hard time for no reason whatsoever.

I think that is a great list. I am going to get started right now. Wonder where Doc is now?

Knitting update

2008-12-29T22:48:00.003-06:00

I was checking the pattern online to see if there were any corrections for the pattern. Sometimes with printed patterns there are mistakes. The pattern corrections are then posted on the internet site for the company that made it. Well I was reading that the arms were suppose to be 21 inches long for the small and 17 inches long for the medium and large. Seems wrong to me. So I checked the pattern online for corrections. UGH. They didn't post a correction for sleeve length but they did for increasing the width of the front panels. Here is the correction.

LEFT FRONT
With larger needles and 2 strands of yarn held tog, cast on 30 (34, 38) sts. Work in k1, p1 Rib for 7 in. (18 cm), end with a WS row.
Next Row: Knit 25 (29, 33) sts, sl last 5 sts to a holder. Continue in St st, inc 1 st at ~~each~~ side edge on next row then on every 10th row for a total of 30 (34, 38) sts.

If you take the word "side" out of the pattern and leave "each", like my printed pattern said, you are actually doubling the number of stitches that you increase. This is going to make the sweater very wide on the top. I am hoping I can make some adjustment when I seam it all together.

I just would hate that this sweater will be unwearable unless I take apart the two front panels and do them over again. I am just going to persevere and hope and pray that it turns out right and I don't run out of yarn.

Knitting at a fever pitch

2008-12-29T12:12:00.003-06:00

OK, so I started a sweater for my mother in law over a year ago. It was suppose to be a Christmas gift for last year, I think. Or maybe it was a birthday present. Either way it didn't get done.

Now I do have my excuses but none that exonerate me for a year of knitting with no finished product.

Connor has twice taken the knitting off the needles and unraveled it. Twice I actually lost a needle. And a few times I just couldn't figure out the pattern and got long periods of knitters block. This usually was corrected when I got some knitting advice from my mother, who is a pro.

Now I am on the last leg of the pattern. Sleeves! I took the kids to the park this morning and brought along my knitting. Aaahhhhh missing needle. So I wasted two good hours of knitting time. I just found the missing needle on Doc's bedside table. So its time to pick up the knitting again.

My deadline is Thursday morning. I have to finish both sleeves, knit the button hole band on the right front, sew all the seams... back, two sides and two sleeves, knit the collar and place the 9 buttons. You can see the sweater coat pattern here. Its a pretty big project but I am almost done.

Next will be a sweater for Avery done is pink. Oh my eyes will be so excited after knitting oatmeal for the last year.

The house is quiet... its Christmas Eve Day.

2008-12-24T11:18:00.007-06:00

Doc just left, taking the kids out to lunch while I continue moving furniture that does not need to be moved, dusting things that haven't been dusted ever, (I am trying to not look up and see the dust on my ceiling fans), reallocating the decoratives and putting off pulling out the vacuum.

I hate cleaning in the South! Why, because no matter the temperature outside I can not help but drip with sweat which makes me very annoyed and irritable.

So its quiet in the house. The bathroom still needs cleaning and the vacuum is calling to me but I am instead sitting here at the computer with the fan blowing on me. Sweet bliss is this.

This year is the first time we will be having guest to our house for Christmas. I am excited and a bit nervous. My anxiety rose when the numbers kept rising. All the in-laws and one of Edward's co-workers are to sit at our table for Christmas dinner. I ran out first thing this morning and bought another turkey breast... just in case. And thank goodness I found my Ativan. My dentist prescribed it for my root canals. It is an anti-anxiety medication. If it doesn't put me right to sleep it should take the edge off and maybe even decrease the amount of sweating too.

As I was helping Avery straighten her room this morning I took it upon myself to reach under her dresser. And what to my wondering eye should appear but Cullen's Game Boy lost for almost half a year. My blood pressure rose clear out of sight as I realized his main Christmas gift was a replacement hidden under the tree. And Cullen said "Now what will Santa bring? He can not bring this too me!" Aaaahhhhhh! But I digress.

Besides the two turkey breasts, I am making asparagus with lemon sauce, squash and dressing casserole, a spinach salad with cranraisens, walnuts and feta cheese and a hot bread with butter. The dessert and appetizers are to be supplied by my two mother-in-laws.

So while I sit here cooling off, I feel like everything is under control. 26 hours before anyone arrives. I may be deluding myself though. Or the quiet has permeated my head and left me with a sense of peace that will soon dissolve with the opening of the front door.

Plan B: Ativan.

Happy Holidays!
May your Christmas be filled with the peace and love of a little baby born in a manger.

Mugged and Mad!

2008-12-15T12:22:00.008-06:00

I just got back from paying a traffic ticket. It has been on my mind for weeks. I have tried to pay it on line. But the mechanism to do so has been disabled so I had to go down town to the Police Department and pay it there. No way did I want to go to court. I finally went today, just three days before my court date. I was figuring $80-$100s for a fine. And whenever I thought of the amount I inwardly cringed. But I am cringing no longer. I am furious. I just paid $160 for not stopping completely at a stop sign. After my shock at the counter, I paid the fine and left. I then looked at my receipt a few minutes later in the car and read that I had actually paid a "traffic fine" of $45 and an "Assessment fine" of $115. Excuse me? What?! I have tried to call the city courthouse to ask just what is an "assessment fee" but they are not answering. So what to do next. Well I wrote a letter to the Chief of Police. My only regret at this point was not CCing the Mayor. (Never mind I just recent the letter with carbon copy to deputy police chief and the mayor.) I wonder if I have caused any upset at City Hall?

Dear Sir,

I am writing after being shocked at the fine I just paid for "running a stop sign". $160 which included a fine of $45 and an assessment fee of $115. I am appalled.

First of all, I paid the fine because I trusted that the officer was right and I did not come to a complete stop. However, I did not "run a stop sign" as was stated on my ticket. But I am sure I did not follow the law to the letter. Having the police officer stop me has increased my awareness at every stop sign and for that I am grateful. But now I am just mad. I have always taken great comfort in the number of police officers that Ocean Springs has on duty. I see them everywhere. Lately, however, I mostly see them pulling people over. People are talking about the amount of tickets being given out. Putting two and two together I wonder how much money is being made on the nit picking of police officers in this town.

As I tried to do some research on traffic tickets in this town I could find almost no information on how the amount for fines are determined and what an assessment fee is as well. I would like to see a list of these fine and administrative fees that make up the charges drivers are getting charged for each particular offense. I think it should be posted of the web site for public knowledge. I would also like to know how the revenue from traffic tickets of last year compares to this year. Can I find that on the city's annual report? Are officers and court personnel paid through the revenue that traffic fines bring in? And if so if this not a conflict of interest.

I hope you might be able to answer some of these questions for me.

Thank you for your time.

Stephanie Lanza Harvey

Loving her doesn't seem to be enough

2008-12-11T10:20:00.007-06:00

Avery's behavior chart from school is horrendous. Over the last week she has gotten 2 yellow and then 3 red marks on her behavior chart.

At her school a green is a warning to stop behavior. The next warning the child gets in a yellow. They have to move their car out of the garage and put a yellow marker on it for the rest of the day. They lose half of their recess and treasure box at the end of the day. A red is "three strikes and your out" mark. They lose all of recess and the end of the week treasure box. Their car is marked red. Avery's car is predominantly the only car outside the garage and the kids are giving her a hard time about it.

In the last 5 days I have gotten notes home from the teacher saying Avery is misbehaving in cafeteria, during rest periods, on the playground and during instruction time. She has even been holding up her middle finger to people. I have no idea where she got this but I suspect the bus.

Avery's behavior at home has not changed. But there are issues we have been tackling for a very long time. They include attention seeking and continually doing things even after she has been told no. For me she is very high maintenance. I love her to death but I work very hard to set limits with her and it is exhausting. And the only result I get is anger, frustration and a daughter who says "I don't like being your daughter".

Let me give you some examples of her behavior. Avery walks into the room where her Daddy and I are talking.

"Daddy?"
"Avery me and Daddy are talking. Please wait."
"Daddy? Daddy?
"Avery what did I just say to you? Daddy and I are talking here."
"Daddy? Daddy?"
"Avery, listen to Mommy. Let us finish our conversation."
"But Daddy..."
"No Avery, wait!"
"But Mommy, daddy..."
"Avery! Stop it! Leave the room until we are done."
Blank stare
"Avery do as I ask. Leave the room."
"I don't want too."
"Avery I am going to count to three. If you are not gone you will go to time out."
Looks at me
"One"
Still looking
"Two."
No movement
"Three. Please go to time out."
"No mommy! No!"
"Go to time out NOW!"
She puts up more resistance but eventually
she leaves the room, fake crying.
Then she calls from the time out chair which is across the house about when she can get up.
She will not stop until she is answered.
And on it goes.

Now this is just 3 minutes out of my day and we play this scenario over and over.

I have tried taking the hard line. I have tried being soft and compassionate. Neither changes the behavior. If she is not the center of attention she will make herself the center of attention. Sometimes its through positive behavior but mostly its through negative behavior because really noone can give Avery ALL the attention she craves. If there is one person in the mall that is NOT looking at her she will do whatever it takes to get that persons attention. She will dance, or say something in a loud voice to get that persons attention. Whatever it takes.

When she was younger she would have to one up her brother on any experience her had. She would make up a story like "Mommy, when I was 4, I picked apples in the field too and I picked 20 of them." Because Cullen had gone on a field trip and had this experience she needed to get the same attention he was getting. For along time she would tell stories about how she and Uncle Wally did things together. "Well, when I was Uncle Wally's daughter..." I guess she figured since she wasn't my daughter, but Uncle Wally's, that I could not confirm or deny she made up stories.

I took Connor to the pediatrician and Avery hung, literally all over Dr Fain. hugging him and kissing his arm while he tried to talk to me about Connor's treatment.

I spoke with her teacher this morning about what is happening at school. She was thinking something was happening at home. Well, really nothing has changed at home. Just the same old battles fought daily. She says that when Avery wants to say something is school she can not be put off even if it is an appropriate time. She will be asked to wait to speak but she just kept saying... "Ms. Sharp! Ms. Sharp" over and over til she got a warning.

Ms Sharp behavioral problems usually get sent to the cafeteria where they have one on one teacher interaction and are kept busy with lots of work. But Ms Sharp does not want to do that. If Avery has a red already and the day is not over she is being sent to time out in the classroom.
She says Avery is behaving in timeout.

We talked about whether she is just too young for kindergarten still or whether its Christmas time, or whether its something behavioral that she might need to be tested for. The decision was made that we would wait til the Holidays were over and see if anything changes. Ms Sharp also said that she would try and come up with another system that might motivate her to better behavior.

I am really at a loss. I have been struggling with how to interact with her in ways that counter some of this behavior. But so far I have found nothing that really works. Loving her does not seem to be enough. I spend my time googling topics like attention seeking, mother-daughter relationships, ADD. But there is not a book that explains Avery.

She has wonderful energy. I get such joy just looking at her. She is smart as a whip. She is very creative and artistic. She is determined and strong willed. All things that will do her good as she grows. Yet she can raise my blood pressure in an instant.

Stephanie is getting old.

2008-12-04T07:46:00.005-06:00

For the last few months I have been struggling with some health issues. The headaches and nausea that went on for days on end were the worst. Multiple chiropractic visits did nothing to alleviate the pain when usually this is all it would take. My energy was almost non existent and I was sleeping a lot. The house is in a shambles and my mood was depressed. After trying to get into the doctor, any doctor, for weeks. I finally saw my GYN.

Blood Pressure

At the time of my appointment my blood pressure was 189/110. Yowsa! Heart attack, here I come! The doctor put me on a diuretic which she doubles a couple weeks later to better manage the blood pressure. Diuretics lower blood pressure by causing the body to rid itself of excess fluids and sodium through urination. If the desired effects aren't achieved with diuretics alone, in combination they may enhance the effect of other blood pressure medications.

Many people have high blood pressure and do not even know it until their major organs start feeling the effects, i.e. heart. This is why high blood pressure is called the silent killer. Symptoms include:

headache
dizziness
blurred vision
nausea
water retention

If you want to know where your blood pressure lies on in relationship to the AHA's grid here is some information for you.

American Heart Association recommended blood pressure levels

Blood Pressure Category	Systolic (mm Hg)		Diastolic (mm Hg)
Normal	less than 120	and	less than 80
Prehypertension	120–139	or	80–89

High
Stage 1	140–159	or	90–99
Stage 2	160 or higher	or	100 or higher

I returned to my doctor for a follow up 2 weeks ago and received the results of my blood tests.

Thyroid

It seems my thyroid is not being managed with the synthroid I am taking. My T4 was only .41 and they like to see it at 1.50. I have an underactive thyroid which was diagnosed after 2 miscarriages in 2002.

Hypothyroidism is a condition in which the body lacks sufficient thyroid hormone. Since the main purpose of thyroid hormone is to "run the body's metabolism", it is understandable that people with this condition will have symptoms associated with a slow metabolism. In my case, the cause is inflammation of the thyroid gland which leaves a large percentage of the cells of the thyroid damaged (or dead) and incapable of producing sufficient hormone. The most common cause of thyroid gland failure is called autoimmune thyroiditis or Hashimoto's thyroiditis.

The function of the thyroid gland is to take iodine, found in many foods, and convert it into thyroid hormones: thyroxine (T4) and triiodothyronine (T3). Thyroid cells are the only cells in the body which can absorb iodine. These cells combine iodine and the amino acid tyrosine to make T3 and T4. T3 and T4 are then released into the blood stream and are transported throughout the body where they control metabolism (conversion of oxygen and calories to energy). Every cell in the body depends upon thyroid hormones for regulation of their metabolism. The normal thyroid gland produces about 80% T4 and about 20% T3, however, T3 possesses about four times the hormone "strength" as T4.

These are symptoms of Hypothyroidism:

Fatigue
Weakness
Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight
Coarse, dry hair
Dry, rough pale skin
Hair loss
Cold intolerance (can't tolerate the cold like those around you)
Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches
Constipation
Depression
Irritability
Memory loss
Abnormal menstrual cycles
Decreased libido

Carbohydrate intolerance/insulin resistance

When I told my doctor that even with the diuretic I was still getting headaches and nausea we continued to talk until she suspected that I am having issues with simple sugars. She referred to this as insulin intolerance. Here is what I found on the web to clarify what she was saying.

Carbohydrate intolerance/insulin resistance is a term used to signify that the body's cells have become resistant to the insulin produced by the pancreas due to too much stress. In a normal person, about 40% of consumed carbohydrates are converted to fat. In a person with CI, that number increases to 50-60%. The excess insulin can cause blood sugar to drop too quickly, and then the adrenal glands must kick in to get the blood sugar back up. Not only will this cause more stress on the adrenal glands, but usually too much glucose is released, further causing the pancreas to produce more insulin. Around and around it goes. Eventually, the body must produce more and insulin to metabolize the same amount of glucose. CI is caused by a number of factors; some of the more common reasons are increased stress hormones, a diet containing hydrogenated fats, a food allergy (milk is the most common as it has been shown to attack the beta cells of the pancreas - this is why children under 1 year old are advised not to consume dairy), too high of a carbohydrate intake, and caffeine. Insulin resistance can cause the following:

Block major hormones including DHEA and the conversion of T4 to T3 ( this related to hypothyroidism.) as well as lowering growth hormones.
Elevates blood pressure
Elevates Triglucerides and LDL, the "BAD" cholesterol.
Causes an increased chance to gain weight int he upper body.
Cause PMS and Polycystic ovaries in women
Decreases energy output, especially after eating.
Gives a craving for sugar - A "sweet tooth"
Cuases the hands to go numb and "fall asleep" at night, or induce a "pins and needles" feeling" down the hands, especially during exercise.
Causes irritability

My Treatments

Weight loss - blood pressure
Exercise - all
Diuretic - blood pressure
Increase synthroid from .125 to .150 - thyroid
Limit intake of simple carbs - carbohydrate intolerance

**If a symptom pertains to me I have put it in brown.

Vampire Cat or No Bailout for the Auto Industry

2008-11-18T09:22:00.007-06:00

I was torn today. Two things have been on my mind recently. My kids new made up game called "Vampire Cat" and the debate over whether to bail out the auto industry. Hmmm what to write about... I do not know. Vampire Cat is a hot activity at my house. But I have to admit its a mystery too. Yes, the cats are involved but I don't think they know it. The kids dress up in their fiercest vampire fighting costume with weapons in hand. The silently track cats around the house. And when they find one curled up somewhere they run to a dark corner and plan their attack. Once in a while I see a cat running by. My room is a sanctuary for them. I do not let the kids chase them in there. (I know I am mean.) This is all I know about Vampire Cats.

I am not sure I know anymore about the bailout. But I have my opinions. First the auto manufacturers have been havcing problems for years and alot fo their capital is tied up in contracts with the Unions. Between gas prices, SUV consumption and consumer rejection fo such large vehicles which didn't happen over night but has been declining for years the trouble was already brewing long before the economic crisis we are in now. There were many changes needed in the auto industry including reducing the cost of parts which seems to have ballooned their budget. Cost controls have been ignored while executives have lived with the status quo and ignored the writing on the wall.

Only recently the Big 3 have been given 25 Billions dollars toward implementing the manufacturing of more energy efficient cars. This money has not even gone their way yet and they are asking for more. They say they are running out of funds to even operate. Can we honestly say that the economic crisis is to blame for their lack of planning or their need to change what they produce. Giving this industry even more money while allowing them to continue doing business as usual is poor management of the tax payers money. Never mind that the 700 Billion already allocated to help out the banks has no oversight. Can we afford to invest in companies to need a full overhaul of the way they do business.

A controlled bankruptcy would allow them to continue doing business while giving them incentive to scale back production, cut costs and reevaluate the current management system... as well as to look carefully at the contracts they have with the Unions. I know that many Americans have worked long and hard for these companies and their futures should be protected where ever possible including retirement and pensions. But this country can not afford to subsidize the Big 3's salary contracts for an industry that is failing.

That IMHO anyway.

The one thing I do know for sure. Vampire Cats sounds a lot more fun than trying to figure out how to save our economy from a free fall.

The Mystery of the Rug in the Tree

2008-11-17T10:15:00.004-06:00

Crazy things are happening at my house! I am a bit freaked.
It seems no one, I mean, no one can explain how
my kitchen sink rug got into the tree of the back deck.
Could it be gremlins? The wind? Baby Connor?
Its unexplainable.
Even the younger one in my house can't come up with an
explanation and they can be so creative when they need to be.
What do you think happened?

The Rules of Toddlers or Connor's Must Do

2008-11-17T09:37:00.003-06:00

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be removed.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.

Borrow from Love Those Kids website.

Move Over Mia Hamm

2008-11-17T09:07:00.003-06:00

Saturday was the big day. Avery went back and forth between "Mommy, I don't think I am ready" to "I am so excited". But when we got there she did great. There is only one other girl ont he team besides Avery. Her name is Sydney and the girls got on great. Sydney is possibly the best player on the team. She was a great role model for Avery.

Avery looked a little lost at the beginning but as her Coach, Kristin, gave her feedback she stepped up her game. She is very defense oriented, always looking to cover the goal but not much of one to push the ball forward. She would kick it once and then step back. I told her coach this is one place a girl doesn't need to be nice. Once she kicked it once she was done... and needs to be taught to follow through and keep the ball in play or pass it. But that will come with time.

It was great fun to watch her. I was most surprised that the socks and shoes did not become an issue. She put them right on and never said a word about them being uncomfortable. She just wanted to run in them. Which she did.

We did not come prepared for the game. I guess I am not quite a soccer mom yet. Everyone had their chairs and blankets and we had nothing. Next time we will bring all the necessities. But no matter, we had a great time. It was fun to see Avery participating in soccer and enjoying herself. Who knows, we may have a soccer star on out hands. Either way her pink cleats were to die for.

Me, A Soccer Mom!

2008-11-14T08:56:00.009-06:00

After years of dreaming on Doc's part to have one of our boys play, heck, show any interest in football at all, his dream finally came true, kinda.

Tomorrow Avery starts soccer. We have been playing a bit in the front yard and Avery was fearless. She runs right for the ball no matter the bodies in the way. And Dad saw stars immediately and maybe a Notre Dame scholarship in her future. If the boys are not going to play football for Notre Dame then this is the next best thing.

So today I am taking her to the local sports store to buy cleats and shin guards. She also has to come in black shorts. I am a bit fearful of the uniform thing. Have I mentioned that Avery is very picky where her clothes are concerned. Socks and clothes with legs always give us problems. If they in any way touch her crotch or rub her toes the wrong way they are rejected for life. We actually had to quit ballet because she gave me such a hard time every week about the tights and leotard. So the chances are 50/50 that this will go well.

She was excited to hear that she had a game on Saturday and team pictures before. She has never played before so this should be interesting. There are 6 kids on the team and only one other girl who I understand has the same killer instincts as Avery. There seems to be only 2 other kids on the team who really want to play the ball. The other likes to dig in the dirt and do somersaults out in the field. And another who is very clingy to his mom, the coach. Just watching these little ones try to play soccer should be a hoot.

I AM falling apart...

2008-11-11T07:44:00.006-06:00

I finally got to see my OB/GYN whom I love. I have know Dr. Milam since I was pregnant with Cullen. She delivered Cullen and Avery, though Avery really didn't need her there. She is my age and we had babies at the same time. Her daughter is also Avery. Anyway, when I saw her I bopped her ont he bottom with my book. I like her that way. She is fun.

Anyway, I stepped on the scale and didn't even ask my weight. When I was pregnant I use to dread standing on that scale but now what the heck. I know I am plump. Its a problem. Do I really need to know how fat? Then the nurse took my blood pressure and her face went a bit askew. "Is it high?" I asked. "Its a bit high." was her reply and she took it again. I could tell she was trying not to give anything away. I told her it had been high lately.

I was moved into an exam room and waited for Dr. Milam to come in. She asked me about my blood pressure and asked if I had been having any headaches. Well, dang how did she know. Headaches for days on end with nausea. And did I feel bloated. Hmmm how strange, the chiropractor was telling me that I was retaining fluid when I went to him last week to get my headache treated.

I have been suffering from headaches for a long time. The chiropractor diagnosed me with a degenerative disk disorder in my neck. Adjustment usually took care of it for long periods of time. Then they acted up again and we could not figure out why I was back in his office every two week or so with really bad migraines. But after a root canal the headaches went away completely for a few months. Headache free! It was wonderful. And then they started again. The chiropractor said that everything adjusted well when I went in to get them treated but they would not go away. Advil, tylenol... wouldn't even help. Only sleep.

And now we have the reason. My blood pressure was 188/110. And that was the better of the two. Dr. Milam put me on a diuretic to reduce the fluid in my body which from what doc tells me cause blood vlume to increase and shoots your blood pressure up. And I am suppose to take my bp at home three times a day to see what it is throughout the day. I borrowed a cuff from her office but unfortunately it is defective. I need to go back to her office and exchange it for one that does work today.

Blood was taken to assess my thyroid functioning , as well as kidney and other things that hiugh blood pressure can mess up. Dr. Milam says that once the blood pressure is treated I should start feeling much better. Which will be great because I have been feeling just crappy for the last few months. And as Doc say, losing weight will help so I am on that too. I sure don't want to damage my heart and kidney. A diet was something I was going to do "soon", "when I felt better", etc but soon is now. Its no longer a luxury but a "must".

I look forward to feeling better soon. I am not happy with the diagnoses but at least now I have an answer to why I have been feeling bad and can actually do something to change it.

16 Things

2008-11-06T11:47:00.003-06:00

My sweet southern sister in law tagged me for a 16 Things thing. So here are 16 things most people don't know about me... if I can come up with 16 of them.

Doc and I were born in the same month, 10 days apart.
My sister and I are only 11 months apart to the day.
I hate to answer the telephone.
I would love one more baby.
I struggle with anxiety and take medication for it.
I play an MMORPG (Massively multi-player online role playing game)
I have little patience.
I sucked my thumb til I was... oh no, way too embarrassing.
I have a degenerative disk disorder in my neck which gives me migraines.
I wanted to be a cat when I grew up.
I went to seminary.
My hair thinned on top after having my second child and never grew back.
I was a red head as a baby.
I love a clean house but my kids don't care.
I have had a headache for the last 4 days.
I wish my IUD would miraculously fall out.

A little silliness

2008-11-06T08:58:00.004-06:00

CNN reported that "women are germier than men". The researchers aren't sure why women harbored a greater variety of bacteria than men, but Fierer suggested it may have to so with the acidity of the skin. Here are some of the highlights of the article.

Researchers tested samples from palms of 51 students for bacteria DNA.
They identified 4,742 species of bacteria overall; only 5 of which were on every hand
The average hand harbored 150 species of bacteria
Left and right hands of same person shared only about 17 percent of same bacteria

The point of this article was not to say that women wash their hands less than men.. but rather that there is a difference in the conditions found on the hands of women and men. Not only were there mega amounts of different bacteria but many people were harboring germs not found on other peoples hands OR on the other hand. Which implies that there are a lot of bacteria out there.

And the silliness..

Doc said "Oh no, another study to prove something we already know... that girls are gross."

"Ummm, honey, its reported that a man's hands can not support the life of some bacteria because of the acidity there."

Doc replies "They said girls have more germs of their hands and men's hands have acid... And that is COOL!"

I made sure to hold and rub his hand before he left. Did I ever tell you that Doc is germ phobic.

History!

2008-11-05T11:49:00.003-06:00

I turned on the news briefly last night to hear that McCain made a concession speech. I did not hear the speech just that there was one. That is all I needed to know before I turned the television back off. This morning I saw the crowds of people who were celebrating in Grady Park and all over the world as well. There are not many things I know for sure in the world but I was pretty sure that McCain did not have a chance of winning the election from the back drop of the last 8 years of Republican/Bush administration.

I am so proud to have been apart of the process that elected Barak Obama. The first graders at Cullen's school all voted on Tuesday as well. The kids have been learning all about the election process and really engaging in the topic. Cullen came home to say that McCain won at school but he had voted for Obama. I told him that it would not be that way in the national election but that in Mississippi it was pretty sure that McCain would win. As the parents go, so go the children. Doc and I are split on our political leanings. But for some reason all the children were chanting Obama. Even Connor recognizes him on TV. And I have never spoken of my political choice to any of them. But I am not complaining. Doc accused me of brain washing them all. lol

What I am glad of is that my children can choose a man of African American descent and NOT make an issue of his skin. They did not look at him and say, "He is not me." or I like McCain more because "he looks more like me". I am not saying that the reason they DID like Obama is rational or even close to logical. They may have chosen him cause he was younger... or had a memorable name. I have no idea why they leaned one way or the other. Cullen said that he did not know anything about McCain which is why he chose Obama.

I was listening to a group of african american women having a conversation on NPR. They were talking about how with the election of Obama they could actually believe that anything was possible for them and for their children. One woman said that in earlier times, when she said that to her son, there was part of her that did not beleive it... that was not sure. But now she is sure. And I am sure too.

There has been a shift in our conciousness. A time for change and hope has come. Not only for the government of this country but for our society and future generations. How wonderful!

2008-11-04T16:30:00.000-06:00

Live your values. Love your country. Vote.

Anne Lamott...can you ever get enough of her?

2008-11-03T15:23:00.007-06:00

A call to arms

How to handle the fury brought on by this election? Register voters, hit the streets, pray. Stop talking about her. Talk about Obama.

By Anne Lamott

Who knew...

2008-11-03T07:19:00.004-06:00

The family attended church yesterday and while I was reading the birthday announcements I saw that Connor's birthday was listed as the 7th of November. I was a bit perplexed. I had it in my mind that his birthday was on the 17th. I showed Doc the bulletin and asked him if it was right. lol He replied, "I am embarrassed for you. I have little hope for myself anymore but you should be ashamed." Of course he was joking as only Doc can joke. He then asked if we should ask his mom... haha, um NO! Anyway after some calculations we came to the realization that Connor's birthday is indeed this Friday. And the rush is on to make it memorable for him. He was been waiting for the Backyardagains party for months now. So I am a bit behind when I thought I had a few weeks.

Connor has all the Backyardagains plush toys except Tasha, the Hippo. My mom sent the kids three for Christmas a few years ago. I found Austin, the purple guy, on Ebay a few months ago. But Tasha has been illusive. I thought I would have time to find her but we are running out of time. Connor keeps asking "Where is Tasha mommy?" I guess the answer will continue to be, idk.

I am off to the store to order a cake and since Doc is home today, to do some gift shopping without Connor actually being there.

2008-10-31T09:26:00.003-05:00

Connor loves all thing Thomas.
But I bet that will change by next year so
I just had to see him in this costume.
Happy Halloween!

"It makes me look fat!"

2008-10-28T07:43:00.002-05:00

This morning was so cold here. The heat actually kicked on. So my first thought when I got out of bed was to make sure the kids were dressed warmly for the bus ride. I took Avery out this weekend to buy her warm clothes so I knew she had clothes to wear. I grabbed some long pants for Cullen and a matching tee shirt. I handed them to him and asked him where his sweatshirt coat was. He had left it at school 2 days in a row and it was still there. *sigh* So while the children again ate pancakes with strawberries and whip cream, (yup Daddy upped the anti once again) I went back to Cullen's room for a sweater or something. I found instead a pull over navy blue sweat shirt. Nothing outlandish about this sweatshirt. Nothing at all.

I went back upstairs and put it on him while he was still eating. He started moaning and saying "get it off me". He was pulling at it and as his father and I insisted that he wear it til he got to school he actually started crying. I was dumb founded. At this point I was trying to get Avery dressed. She is always my hardest because it the clothes in any way upset her comfort she will not wear it. He never wears pants or leggings because she does not like how they feel around her crotch. I geuss she wants to be "free". But she helped me pick out her new clothes and they all had leggings for warmth. I also spent a good 15 minutes trying on shoes with her. We decided on 2 pair, exactly the same except for color, and she now tells me she "hates" them. *shakes head and sighs* But compared to her brother she hardly made a peep.

As we were leaving the house, Cullen mumbled that the sweatshirt made him look "fat". WHAT?! I thought this was something a girl was conerned about when she got into her teens. Here was my 7 year old boy worrying about it. I am dumbfounded. Cullen has always been very concerned about how others see him and about being accepted. That is why he is constantly trying to sit in the back of the bus. The kids back there gave him a hard time once and he so wants to be included. He tells me daily what seat number he sat in and had no trouble at all. But that he understands in some way that he is judged by his weight is very unsettling and sad.

I struggled with my body image all my life. And now that I am the heaviest I have every been I look back and realize that when I was in high school and college I looked great. I would die to have that body back. But even then I was unhappy with it. I don't want my son OR daughter to struggle with this issue all their life. But I am at a loss as to how to counter it, especially in a culture that reinforces "acceptable" body images in television shows, commercials and even print.

I have never mentioned weight to him or stressed the need to be thin. How can I with the way I am looking right now. But Cullen must be getting messages from us. His Dad is dieting and trying to get to a certain weight. There is no hiding the fact that I need to lose weight too. I may be sending out my own negative vibes. But I think my course of action is not to focus on the weight issue but more on his need to fit in and be accepted. Those things are important at his developmental age but he also needs to develop a sense of self that he can hold onto independent of the world around him. I know, easier said then done!

I don't want to be thought of as mean spirited...

2008-10-27T15:24:00.002-05:00

but this was just too funny!

Personal writing

2008-10-24T12:16:00.003-05:00

I was cleaning off some rewritable disks today and found some old writings. Included in what I found were Cullen and Avery's birth stories. I am so glad to have found them.

I also found this writing that my mother asked me to compose. She was presenting a lay sermon at her church on divorce and was looking for the perspective of a child of divorce. Here is what I came up with. This was written in 2004.

Strangely, as a sit here writing this I can not but think how marvelously odd it is that for the last few years I am have been a stay-at-home-mom of two young children. I am living the life my mother struggled to leave behind for her own good and the good of her children. My parents divorce is possibly the event that most formed my life. It is one of my first memories filled with the trauma and disillusionment that onlythe break up of a family can create. But out of it came a shy mousy girl child who grew into a strong minded, articulate and capable woman.

As a child I longed for my father's return and for my parents to be together. But that is the longing of niavete. As I grew older I began to understand what my life would have been like had it remained on the path it was on before my parents seperated. I would never had gone to college or obtained my Masters. And though I may have been more comfortable relating to boys and men with a father in my life, I would probably have been a young mother married to an alcoholic like my father. It took the courage my mother found within herself to change the direction of all our lives. The long standing debate about whether children are better off if parents stay together for the sake of the children or dissolve a a bad marriage resulting in happier, more well-adjusted children seems to be played out in our lives. Though I can only speak for myself. I had three siblings who may answer the question differently. We have all taken different paths in life. I like to say that we are all reflections of my mother. My older brother is a driven corporate exectutive. My sister is a townie, tied to the place we grew up and the people she has known since childhood, afraid to move beyond the safety of what she knows.. My younger brother is the caretaker. I frequently get phone calls from him updating me on other members in the family. I am that part of my mother who wanted more. A woman who knew she had the talent and intellect to succeed on her own. It was only after the divorce that my mother became an individual for me, someone who was powerful and has an effect on the world around her. It is strange to realize that before my father left us I have only blurred memories of my mother. She became solid in my memory only after he was gone.

From an early age my mother told me that I could be anything that I wanted to be. Little did I know at the time that she was trying to tell me that my gender was not to deter me from my goals. I took her at her word and wanted desperately to be a cat. I figured it would happen at about age 16 when I could wear knee socks and come into my own power. Girls at 16 were powerful, it seemed to me. My mom also influenced me with the music of Helen Reddy and Carol King and Marlo Thomas' "Free to Be You and Me." I want my children to know that its alright if boys cry or play with dolls, marriage does not have to be the main goal of a girls life and that what you do for a living does not have to be defined by your gender.

Before my parents divorce at the age of 7 or so, the blurry memories I have are of a mom that stayed home and a father who came home at the end of the day. I never knew what my dad did. At that age it was all a mystery. I do remember my father having a set of barber tools and maybe he did cut hair for a time. But I don't think he did anything for very long. Really I do not remember... and I didn't care. For me my father was the hero... the prince in the fairy tales. He could do no wrong. I lived to sit on his lap when he was home at night. His attention made me feel special. I knew I was safe when he was around. These memories are more like vague feelings and these glimpses into the past I now have much suspicion of because the reality just did not jive. When my father left.... he was gone.

The job facing me then was trying to understand and make sense of what I did to make him leave. Just as I had the wonderful mythology of how I would change into a cat, I had made up some great story in my mind of how I drove him off. I was so afraid my brothers and sister would find out it was my fault that daddy was gone. The truth was, I had just learned the word divorce at school. Someone's parents were divorced or going through a divorce. It was such a foreign concept to me and I remember feeling happy that both my parents were at home. I was in the third grade. It wasn't long after learning the word that divorce was happening in my world.

What I do know is that my father's absence from my life and my mother's strong presence shaped me. The path of my life, in some respects, was determined by what my mother's was at my age. I was to do the opposite. I went to college after graduating high school. My mother was by then a mother twice over. I attended a women's college and excelled without the pressure of competing with men. They had never been necessary in my life before and in academics this was also true. Needless to say I was not a social butterfly nor an experienced dater. At this point in my life I had never been on a date. I never thought about marriage. My mom raised four kids alone. It never occurred to me that I couldn't do the same if I had to. It wasn't that I had anything against marriage. I just had very little experience with what that looked like in a family. To me a family was led by a strong mother who took care of everything and everyone. My father's absence in my life gave me reason to question whether I was worthy of love and also whether someone who said they loved me would actually stay the course. But in spite of these early lessons which played out in my life for a time with another man, I met and married my husband Edward who amazes me with his generosity and steadfastness. The first few months after marrying him were spent in tears worrying that he would leave... that I would never be prepared for it and he would be gone. He reassured me that this would not happen but it was only with time that I have learned to trust that he will come home.

So here I am at home with a two and a half year old and an eight month old. And like all mothers I struggle with the choice to be at home. I am blessed to be here with them. I never thought that financially I would be able to stay at home with my children. And understanding my mother's experience I didn't think I could be happy and fulfilled staying at home. When I chose to stay home after just receiving my Masters from Vanderbilt Divinity School, I felt for a time that I was betraying my mother. However, I came to understand that the difference between my mother and me is that I got to choose this for myself. I had my first child at 36 and have lived a good part of my life before having children obtaining my education, traveling a bit and working in the field of my choice. So now I take a little hiatus from that part of my life to be with my children. I realize that staying home is as hard as going out to work. I remember as a child people telling me how amazing and strong my mom was. I was always a bit confused by the fact that people saw her that way. I wondered how she was being "amazing" and "strong". I took for granted all that she had to be to take care of us. As I grew I came to realize how much it took to take care of us and how much she accomplished for herself at the same time. But it wasn't until I had children that I understood all that she sacrificed for us and how hard she had to work to give us the lives we all live now. I am in a strong marriage partly because my mother chose to end her own... I can stay home with my children without regret because my mother showed me that I could be not only a mother but anything I wanted to be. I never did change into a cat but I did transform through the years into everything my mother wanted for me and more.

Pancake Madness

2008-10-23T10:07:00.002-05:00

Ok not sure what is up with Doc these days. Every morning he makes a full pancake breakfast for the kids. Huh? It use to be that it was a special occasion kind-of-thing but now its a daily event. I just hope he can keep it up cause I am not picking up the slack. This past weekend he upped the anti with fruit toppings AND sausage. (headplantdesk)

We have about 40 minutes to get the kids out of bed, dressed and fed. It has always been Doc's responsibility to feed the kids while I wake the stragglers, track down clothes and shoes for the day and get myself dressed. They have to be at the bus stop for 6:30 am pick up. Yes, it is crazy!

I am really happy that they are getting a great breakfast. If we ran our of the time int he past I would just toss them a breakfast cookie or pop tart. But now they are leaving the house with a full stomach ready for the day. Makes me very happy.

Doc says that he loves to watch them eat what he cooks. He says its the best part of cooking. Does he sound like an old Italian woman to you?

Thanks Doc, for the pancake madness!

Ok I know we have seen this before...

2008-10-23T09:07:00.005-05:00

but I feel it my duty to post it here to educate men through reinforcement, especially my husband, who I love dearly. But in almost 10 years of marriage still does not understand! He did send me this just now in an email so I know he sees the truth in it. But will he remember during the nitty gritty?

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up
Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' -which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!!!!
Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3

No Cavities!

2008-10-22T06:52:00.002-05:00

Well after years of procrastination I took the kids to their first dentist appointment. I know I am a bad parent. But my experience with the dentist came to a pinnacle when he went into my mouth and ripped a molar out without any forewarning and then did it again 4 minutes later. What trauma!

So between my anxiety about dentistry and my oldest's fear of ALL things new I put it off... for years. lol

However, it could not be put off forever. Cullen has gotten a good number of permanent teeth and they were looking yellow. I was horrified. I had strategized with my friend Vikki and Edward about how to lesson the trauma for Cullen. We decided that we would make an appointment for Avery and if she survived then he would be far less likely to collapse in tears on the waiting room floor. My little red head is afraid of nothing. So we put her to the test.

Anyway, they did just great. The hygienist was gentle and explained everything to them. The got to wear sunglasses while she checked their teeth. They took their x-rays without a problem. And the office is wired! The computer than displayed their x-rays one minute can be programmed to cartoon network the next. They had a big fire engine for Connor to play with and they brought bean bag chairs in for the kids to sit in. Very kid friendly. I am not a fan of cartoon network and luckily we wrapped it up right as Sponge Bob was coming on.

The only sad thing about the visit is that I had Dr Chapman look at Connor's bite. And we were told that Connor needs to stop sucking his thumb. Not surprising but wow I still sucked my thumb way into grammar school. I told Connor, who is almost three, that the doctor said he needed to stop sucking his thumb cause it was hurting his mouth. He looked at me sweetly and say "oh" and then I could see his mind whirling as he tried to figure out what to do with his thumb if it weren't in his mouth. It was very cute. Connor goes back for his own appointment this afternoon.

And, the yellow on Cullen's teeth was fine. It seems that permanent teeth are darker than baby teeth which makes them look yellow. But they were perfectly fine. Yay!

No Cavities!

And he's funny too!

2008-10-20T08:57:00.002-05:00

Colin Powell endorses Obama!

2008-10-20T08:16:00.003-05:00

I am so excited about this endorsement. Most endorsements are of no surprise when they are announced. My response is mostly, "So what?" But this is really BIG. Not only is Gen. Powell a Republican but a former member of "W" administration.

I have always liked Colin Powell,. I was always kind of perplexed by his politics. But I wanted to like him. When he left the Bush Administration I was warmed. I have no idea why he left, except what the media reports but still I felt there was some hope that maybe not everyone saw Bush through rose-colored glasses.

This endorsement crosses party lines. And it kinda wipes the "Obama is not ready to lead" off the page. Powell said some very nice things about Obama, including that he is the better person to handle the economic challenges that lay ahead. And more importantly to me, Powell addresses some of the prejudices so boldly alive in our country.

"I'm also troubled by, not what Senator McCain says, but what members of the [Republican] Party say... such things as 'Well, you know that Mr Obama is a Muslim'.
"Well the correct answer is, 'He's not a Muslim, he's a Christian, he's always been a Christian'. But the really right answer is, "What if he is?' Is there something wrong with being a Muslim in this country? The answer is 'No', that's not America."

I knew I liked this man!

I have had ENOUGH! Who needs McCain or Obama ...

2008-10-10T11:47:00.002-05:00

when you have a
New Candidate for President

If you are looking for an alternative to the same old same old
then have I got an alternative for you!

I wish they would let Sarah Palin speak!

2008-10-02T07:09:00.005-05:00

Palin's interview with Katie Couric was embarrassing. I may not agree with Palin's politics but she does represent the women of this nation and I cringed everytime I saw her answers to Couric's questions. At first I thought Palin was just obtuse. But I know from sound bites I have seen that she is intelligent and can communicate well.

I tell you, I was scared to death thinking this was who would take office if McCain dies while serving as president. But now I actually beleive that she has been coached to be unclear and non direct in her answers. Politics drives me crazy. Because your vote and mine are on the line politicians feel like they can not say clearly what they stand for because its too black and white. They have to forfeit votes on one side of the issue or the other.

**POST DEBATE COMMENTARY**

I was so happy that they let Palin be herself. She is engaging and charming. Biden's focus on McCain rather than Palin was a great strategy because it saved him from being a female basher. And really we are talking about the next president and those he brings with him. I have no real interest in seeing a debate focused on vice presidential picks and their appropriateness for the job. I wish Palin was on my side though. She is an admirable woman even if I don't admire her politics. Let her be herself!

Mattress Aggression

2008-10-01T07:18:00.002-05:00

I had to blog about this... last night I went to bed at 8pm. I had a headache and could not stop yawning. I fell asleep fast.

Tick, tock, tick, tock. Four and a half hours later Doc comes to bed. He wakes me as he is coming in the door... and proceeds to turn ON the light. Why? Because he can not see! What? I walk in the dark everywhere. I know every corner of every piece of furniture and how many steps it takes to get from the bed to the door. Its all stored in the brain, isn't it. So after he turns off the bedroom light and walks back into the hallway to turn off that light. He makes the dangerous journey back to the bed. He is slapping the footboard of the bed and then the mattress up to the pillow and then the pillow itself. Does he think its going to move or disappear between the time he slaps it once to the next slap? I am very confused at this point but I just giggle at him. "What?" he says like he is not doing anything any clear minded sight challenged person wouldn't do.

Now mind you I have not moved this whole time. Doc climbs in bed and my leg touches his knee. He accuses me of encroaching on "sacred ground"... i.e. his mattress space. When I do not adjust myself accordingly he accuses me of mattress aggression. I asked him three times if he said "mattress aggression" because what a turn of phrase that is for this little domestic occurence. I about lost it and at the same time knew I was going to have to blog about it.

Well not to much time passes and I have to accuse him of pajama aggression. No need to go into details I am sure BUT he did say that I mislead him because pajamas are two piece and I only was wearing one. So technically it was nightgown agression. *sigh*

Really now, who is being aggressive, I ask you?

Computer down... Productivity up!

2008-09-24T18:01:00.002-05:00

Hey all! Sorry for my brief reappearance and then disappearance. Seems Windows on my computer is corrupted. I lost my IP address and could not get onto the internet. It has been a week. For some reason even with Doc's comp it has been hit or miss. But today... viola!... we switched over to cable from DSL and I could not be happier.

AND we got cable in our bedroom now too. Oh the luxury of watching TV in my own bed! I have not had it since we moved to MS. 7 years!

But since the computer went to the shop I have accomplished so much around here. I will not bore you with the details but needless to say things are shaping up. Our yard sale is this weekend so my front porch will be clear of all the "stuff I aim to make money off of during the sale. My storage room is so clean! Ahhhhh and *smile*

I have also discovered a show that is on first thing is the morning... 7am central... that I am so enjoying! Many of you may have seen it or heard of the host. Its called Enjoying Everyday Life with Joyce Meyers. Its a wonderful way to start the day. I only just visited her site for the first time today since I got my internet back up. But I love her section called Everyday Answers. here are some inspiring articles there for many different circumstances.

Joyce has a conference coming up in November , I believe, in Tampa, Florida. I really wish I could go. I know I would get a great deal out of the experience. I would hope it would focus my life more on God's will and clean the grime off the windows of my life so I could see clearer where God wants me to be.

Unexpected Flooding from Ike

2008-09-13T15:16:00.002-05:00

The family woke up early on Thursday morning to get the kids ready for school. Its still dark and we have about 25 minutes to eat, dress and get down the driveway to the bus stop. A few minutes before leaving I glanced out the window and realized the front lawn was shimmering. Uh oh! This is not good. The house was an island with water on all sides. We were not expecting this. Ike was heading west and we thought we were safe. Nope.

We have been out of the house since Thursday morning staying at Doc's mother's house. This morning we waded back into the house. Enough was enough. We wanted our own beds and toys. We left the cars at the gate and made the trek. We carried kids on our backs and hips. One even found the courage to walk himself about half way to the house.

The water is now receding but again we have lost our water pump and have no water. There is a warranty on the pump but I am not sure what it covers. The plan the build the pump house up three or four feet will need to be pushed forward.

I can not wait for this hurricane season to be over! I am so sorry for the people on the coast of Texas.

What people are saying about the effects of the NRC on the country!

2008-09-05T20:56:00.002-05:00

click here and be prepared for a change of perspective

FREE Obama/Biden bumper sticker

2008-09-04T16:24:00.006-05:00

Want a free Obama/Biden bumper sticker?
MoveOn.org is giving way 1 million. The ticker is climbing!
If you want yours click here and hurry.
(4-6 weeks for delivery)

Knowing what I know... I don't know! A Disclaimer

2008-09-04T08:06:00.006-05:00

Many of you may know that I have a religious degree. People might think that with that type of degree I would be a God expert but I am not. When you go to Divinity School they "deconstruct" your religious world view.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines deconstruction as "A strategy of critical analysis [...] directed towards exposing unquestioned metaphysical assumptions and internal contradictions in philosophical and literary language." Derrida developed the term deconstruction in relation to his critical engagement with phenomenology, structural linguistics, and literature in the 1960s. The term is also related to the traditions of hermeneutics as it works with questions of how texts should be read and interpreted and immanent critique as a deconstruction demonstrates problems or contradictions that are already operating within the deconstructed text.

One of the many things I learned while studying the Gospels is that Matthew, Mark, Luke and John did not actually write those books. They were actually written by unknown writers who had differing political and social motivations. The first canonical gospel written is Mark (c 65-70), which in turn was used as a source for the gospels of Matthew and Luke. Matthew and Luke may have also used a common source, the hypothetical Q document. These first three gospels are called the synoptic gospels because they share a similar view. The last gospel, the gospel of John, presents a very different picture of Jesus and his ministry from the synoptics. The canonical gospels were originally written in Greek.

If you head is swimming and your fingers are in your ears then you know how I felt my first year in seminary. But my point is this... as a seminarian there are things I can surmise about God but nothing I can know for sure. God is mystery. I trust and have faith in God's goodness. I believe in the sacrifice of Christ and his ministry on earth. This gives me hints into God's nature. But I can not know for sure what God thinks about issues that divide us on Earth.

I always go by the measuring stick that God loves the creation. And if God loves like a parent then God loves in spite of our bad behaviors and poor choices. And God wants the best for each of us no matter our political leanings. our gender, our sexual orientation or race. And if I believe this to be true then I too must accept and love. I will leave God to do the judging. That is not my place. And since I have no way of knowing God's criteria other than the Ten Commandments I will hold myself to those and let others do the same. God will take care of it all in the end. Doing it any other way only encourages hate and division which I am sure God is against.

Now let's move onto other realms in life. Politics, socials and economic issues. What do I know. Not much. What do i think? Well I do have some thoughts. They are based on the information above. This is one of the reasons I never got ordained. Who am I to preach each week about God's mystery when I am still trying to wrap my own head around it. This is why I do not debate. I do not like anger and confrontation... does anyone? I have my own truths and I know you have yours. Who am I to knock yours down if they are what holds you up. I like to listen respectfully to others even if I disagree and I hope the same in return. If anger and accusations come into the conversation then there is something else going on. Its defensive. People feel attacked when their beliefs are not shared. And I in no way want others to feel like I am attacking them when I share an opinion.

My "I Miss Bill" bumper sticker got me a hand written note on my windshield. It sure set someones hackles up. Three little words and someone felt threatened enough to sit in the Wal*Mart parking lot, write out a note and leave it for me to find. Is the bumper sticker an invitation to attack me or make assumptions about who I am and what else I believe? I don't think so. I think there is room in this society for opposing views. But knowing what I know, I don't know.

Sarah Palin anyone?

2008-09-04T07:30:00.002-05:00

This morning at The Uneducated Housewife we are talking about Sarah Palin's speech at the NRC last night. Here are my thoughts...

Well let's see... I thought she had presence, that is for sure. And I was really excited to see a woman up there with a growing family. Many would say she was not qualified because she was a mother. She has a beautiful family and should be proud. I was a bit surprised that she had a baby. Yikes, how can you become somebody in the political realm with a child less than a year old? I was just getting over the depression and trying to figure out how to juggle. I think it probably helps that she has older kids.

I think that McCain is hoping that having a woman in his VP slot will even out the balance of the historic circumstances Barak brings as the first African American on the ticket for president. But really I would be more apt to vote for the Republican ticket if Palin were running for President. As is, she will be the bulldog that gets to say the more nasty things about the competition while McCain keeps his hands clean. She could be better than that.

Mostly, as a tuned in and quickly out repeatedly to the convention I was struck by the meanness of it all. The Barak bashing was just appalling. (Again, I did not watch the Democratic convention much either so if McCain bashing was happening as much I would have been as annoyed.)

In terms of Palin's speech, it was entertaining and riveting but it carried little substance except for the manure continually slung at Obama.

Want into the conversation? Come on over we would love to hear it.

Yoga at the YMCA

2008-09-03T18:16:00.009-05:00

I started going to the YMCA every morning since the kids started back to school. I take Yoga three days a week and then Pilates on the off days. I am really enjoying the time I spend there even if it is at 7:45 am. I have always wanted to do Yoga but have never had the chance. But our "Y" membership includes so many classes and now that the kids are in school I actually have a chance to exercise again.

I have back and neck problems which have been managed by a chiropractor for 6 years or so. He has been encouraging me to do Pilates or Yoga for years. Now I can see why. Regular yoga classes keep my body open which counter acts the stiffness and tension that comes from stress and anxiety which I am constantly battling.

My youngest spend a nice 45 minutes in the nursery at the "Y" while I do Yoga. I could never do it without their child care. I plan on adding a 20 minute cardio to my morning exercise and hope to see some weight loss in the coming weeks too. If I do lose some weight it will be the first time I have done it without the help of a program like Jenny Craig. I am hoping this time that I can tackle it on my own. Weight loss is an expensive business if you get pulled into the hype. Maybe if I do it on my own I can actually make changes that last a life time.

Here is a great site I found about all things Yoga.

Having a little bit of political fun...

2008-09-03T11:24:00.002-05:00

over at The Uneducated Housewife's Guide to Politics.

Kelly has asked me to be a contributor to her political blog. What fun!

I am secretly political.. or maybe not so secretly. I do not like to debate and I hate to argue. But I do have an opinion. I especially have an opinion living down here in the deep south and being from the north. So what a great way to get into the conversation without having to defend myself or my perspective.

I beleive we are all a product of our upbringing... please don't ask me to get into the nature versus nurture discussion here. I am from Massachusetts. I am a Social Democrat. I would like to think of myself as an Independent. The idea of supporting someone based on their ideas and political values has great appeal. But if you asked me if I would vote for a Republican the answer would be, "No way!". But maybe, just maybe, if people started actually presenting themselves honestly and not just wearing a mask of their ideology that might just change.

Anyway, come on over to The Uneducated Housewife and be a part of the conversation too.

We are back...

2008-09-02T12:12:00.000-05:00

and the house is still standing. We did get water in the garage and basement room but that was expected. We lost our water pump to our well too. That was quite a cost to have fixed but the toilets are now flushing and we can all shower tonight. The water well guy suggested that we build up our well platform to the height of our front porch so we protect it from all but the worst flooding.

I have some cleaning up to do in the basement and garage. The things I did leave in there were floating around a bit. I am letting it dry out for now. The son's bedroom is now our storage room. I plan NOT to unpack it yet. I am gonna price stuff for the yard sale first. And Ike may have the potential for heading into the Gulf so we will just bide our time there.

Unfortunately, the other thing we are dealing with right now is my son's illness. He has a pneumonia and maybe the onset of asthma. He got a breathing treatment in the doctor's office for asthma which seemed to help his wheezing. So the doctor has put him on an inhaler for the next 10 days to see whether it is the pneumonia that has caused the lungs to take offense. He is home with double ear infections, a fever and coughing.

Final post before evacuating

2008-08-30T20:52:00.003-05:00

Just letting you all know that we are evacuating east to Florida on Sunday morning. We are hoping for the best but have planned for the worst. I suspect we will get water in the garage and basement room but we have spent the day emptying most of the contents. The riding mower and push mower have been trailered to Evelyn's neighbor's garage.

You can reach us on our cell phone. We will most likely be back Wednesday. Hopefully Hanna will head NE but no matter I think we are ready.

This time I have all our pictures, important papers and the kids birth certificates and SS card.

On an up note, I can finally get my car in the garage and removing the contents of the garage has got me in good shape for preparing for our September 18th yard sale.

And... The Sound of Music is on. A nice comfort on the night before an evacuation. Talk to you all soon.

And now for something ~FUN~

2008-08-30T10:57:00.005-05:00

Doc and I just got finished emptying the garage and storage room. Took about three hours but I can now actually get my car in there! Hey hey!

So here I am sitting down for a break and I got this email from my sister, Bridget. She had a link to a fun personality test.

It looks like a pretty fun website on the whole. Visit and have a little fun!

Here are my results:

Remembering Papa Roy

2008-08-29T10:40:00.004-05:00

It is has been a year now since we said goodbye to Papa Roy. He is still so missed by many. I was saying to my mother in law that it feels a lot of the time that he is still here with us. And she agreed that it is like he is on a long trip and she is waiting for his to come home. My response to her way, "He is waiting for you to come home."

On the anniversary of Roy's death I had planned to take the kids over to see Grandmommy knowing she was trying to keep busy and would like the distraction. But I could not reach her by phone and so was not sure if I wanted to drive all the way over there from the YMCA where we had been swimming. The kids and I talked about Papa Roy while we drove and Cullen said "I wish it was a year and 1 day ago and I knew about Papa Roy's heart so I could have told the doctors and then he would still be alive. I told Cullen that Papa Roy's heart was very tired and there is nothing that would have changed that even if we knew sooner. He said how much he missed going on nature walks with his Papa Roy and how he will never get to do that with Papa Roy again.

I drove towards home still not sure what to do and my oldest said "Well we don't have to go to grandmommy's Mommy, but it is a very special day." UGH! Out of the mouths of babe. That put it all into perspective and I kept driving past our home and onto grandmommy's house. It turned out that she had just gotten home and was very happy to see us. We had a nice visit with her and spoke tenderly about Roy.

This scrapbook layout I made yesterday. Grandmommy and my two youngest went to the Veteran's Day ceremonies at the cemetery at the Biloxi VA grounds. I took these pictures of my daughter draped over Roy's stone. It so caught the feeling of longing we still have for his presence. If you look closely you can see his image in the gravestone.

Gustav, Gustav, where for art though going Gustav?

2008-08-29T10:22:00.006-05:00

Looks from this model that Gustav is predicted to move a bit more west so we are going east to Florida. Doc, me and two of the kids are leaving Sunday morning. While Grandmommy and my oldest will leave tomorrow morning.

We surely will get water and my garage is full of yard sale items that need moving and a ride on lawn mower that needs removing. So we will spend Saturday doing all that. Our destination in Florida is only an hour and a half so we will have an easier trip. And save money too staying with family rather than a hotel for 4 -5 days.

Barbie Bassett, a chief meteorologist in Jackson is updating her blog daily on Gustav. Her full update and 3 computer models are at the link below.

Full Gustav update for Friday!
National Hurricane Center

Another Katrina...? Knock on wood!

2008-08-28T11:36:00.012-05:00

This weekend is the 3rd anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It is very eerie that it is on this weekend that we are looking at another storm heading our way.

I have spent the morning at Wal*Mart shopping for necessary provisions in case Gustav comes ashore near us. The store is almost totally out of water and there were no "C" or "D" cell batteries to be found either.

I bought all sorts of food I wouldn't want my kids eating in large quantities normally... crackers, spaghetti Os, chewy granola bars, trail mix. All good in small portions but nothing that sticks to the gut. Fearing that i won't see a good cooked meal for a few days I have bought a nice juicy steak for tonight's dinner. No matter that no one but me really likes steak. I will be one the one doing the groaning when the granola bars come out.

Reservations have been made for a northern evacuation. And great grandma's house is our destination if its an eastern evacuation. The kids are excited for hotel living. And if we go north they may even evacuate themselves to their cousins house just a few miles away from the hotel. (Oh wouldn't that be nice!)

It is good to remember that Katrina was an anomaly. 230 miles across with an eye of 80 miles is just crazy. Gustav is a peanut in comparison. The storm surge that destroyed the lower floor of our house will not happen again. The eves that blew out in our attic space and destroyed our master bedroom and bath have been fixed to the point that that can not happen again.

So I am bracing for a stress headache (I bought some Advil gel tabs for quick relief), some inconveniences and a poor diet for the next 5 day IF the storm comes our way. And praying that Doc can come with us too. (He is on call and may be required to stay at the hospital.)

I will tell you what I hate the most... that whether Gustav lands here or not, he will land. And if its not us, it will be someone else. Many others. And I sure don;t want anyone to have to go through what we went through 3 years ago. I just thank goodness that I am not pregnant. I was 6 months pregnant when Katrina hit. I felt useless during clean up. And without electricity, the heat was appalling. I saw a woman in the store today who was pregnant and I knew what she was in for if this storm hits us head on. Lets just pray that we all have the strength to look Gustav in the eye and carry on afterwards.

And if Gustav spares us then I am mostly prepared for the next one and the next one and the next one.

Is this my blog? I hardly recognize it...

2008-08-27T20:38:00.004-05:00

Yes, I know its been a long time. I really do apologize. I am a bad, bad blogger.

I know you were wondering why noone had logged into your dashboard, tweaked your layout or added any entries to you. What can I say, life got away from me. Things change and life's focus changes... but it has a way of shifting back.

Oh please don't look at me that way... please. I thought of you often. I had high hopes of adding some witty and amusing stories but always something got in the way. I know its not a great excuse but I am trying to be honest. Isn't the fact that I thought of you enough. You are so pretty. You have such a nice color palette. Your link are all working and take me to some fabulous and interesting places. I should have been satisfied. I should not have taken you for granted. I wouldn't have blamed you if you had gotten a new url and started letting someone else log in instead of me.

You are too good for me. I admit it. You know me so well. And you still let me come around and share some of the most mundane things with you. And you share it all with pride and consistency. Please forgive my wanderings. I am back now... for now anyway.

And please don't be suprised if I disappear again. After all, you know me so well.

Sadly...

2008-05-16T17:19:00.003-05:00

as I write this review the Ragamuffin Diva is closing her blog. Oh how miserable sad. I really enjoy Mair's writing. The first novel, as I said, was so fun to read. Never put it down hardly... and I am sure the second will be the same. I will long for more. But really if I had to choose... I would pick the gritty truth of Mair's blog to the fiction she writes, as good as it is.

Mair's spiritual struggles, her religious truths, her conversations with God and her readers was always thought provoking and sometimes heart breaking. But it was real. You knew her struggle... recognized it in yourself. It reflected the culture we live in. And now it is going away. The rawness, the grittiness, the challenge of it. I am truly sad. Because I will never know Mair through her books as richly as I know her through her blog and that is a shame. Not only for me, but for you too.

Mysterious package from Simon and Schuster

2008-05-16T16:34:00.003-05:00

arrived 2 days ago. My first thought was, "Oh no... what did I order. I am suppose to be cutting back on spending." (haha) My inner Catholic was bursting out. I almost shoved the envelope under the car seat but then I came back to my senses. It was addressed to me but maybe it was Doc's. Should I call him? Nah, lets open it.

Guess what I found?

Two books written by Claudia Mair Burney. I know her more accurately as the Ragamuffin Diva. My sister in law Elysa introduced me to her blog. So there was a connection. I think I may have even commented on her some writing she shared on her blog. And here were these two books. Well, I love books. I love the pile of them by my bedside. Hours and hours of self discovery, learning and entertainment. And since my spending money is dwindling due to a new saving program in the family... I was thrilled to have 2 FREE books to read.

Claudia Mair Burney writes mystery novels with a bit of theology thrown in the mix. I have never read "religious" fiction before. Religious mystery novels are new to me too. I was ignorant of the whole genre til recently. Not sure what that means for an individual with a Masters from seminary but there it is.

Anyway, I started the first book, Murder, Mayhem and a Fine Man the morning after it arrived. I finished it by bedtime. I read it at stop lights, between loads of laundry, in the pick up line at my son's school, at the drive through coffee place and in bed til Doc was asking me when the light was going out.

It was a fun read. I couldn't seem to put it down. The pace of the story kept you hooked. The dialogue kept you amused and the forensics kept you fascinated. The romance was fun and funny as well. All and all a satisfying read. And I am not all depressed cause i got another one of Mair's novels already started, Death, Deceit and Some Smooth Jazz.

I will be back with that review soon.

Mother's Day

2008-05-13T09:14:00.010-05:00

When I was a child I had a favorite book about a little gray squirrel. Even though I had tried to keep it safe, over the years, somewhere long ago, it got lost to me. But I always remembered the story.

There was a little gray squirrel living high up in the tree tops. She had a lovely little open air house and she kept it very nice. One day a gang of hooligan red squirrels ransacked her house and drove her off. Not knowing what to do she took shelter in the attic of a house. There she found lots of cob webs and old toys. She settled down in an old doll house. She chased out the spiders and cleaned up the dust. She made friends with the red toy soldiers.

I told Doc of this book in passing one day as I was heading up the stairs and he was heading into his hobby room. I am not sure how it came up but it made me sad once again to realize that I would never see that book again. I could never remember its name.

On a related note, Doc had been mentioning how excited he was to give me my Mother's Day present and later how disappointed he was that it would not be here since it had to be special ordered. On and on he went at what a "perfect" Mother's Day present it was and how it pictured my using it on the day. I reassured him that it was not an issue for me. But it never ceased to be an issue for him.

This weekend we went away for an overnight trip to visit Doc's college friend, his wife and first child. (Did I mentioned how I long for another child?) We also had lunch with the Mac crew, Doc's sister and the seven "cousins". On the long drive home Doc and I were talking. I asked him to give me a hint of what this great present was that had yet to show up at our doorstep. Well... come to find out my wonderful husband actually tracked down this favorite childhood book. I was so happy. Thrilled really... and I hardly ever get thrilled.

The book is called Miss Suzy. It will arrive sooner or later. But just knowing the title and seeing the book's cover will hold me for quite a long time.

So I thank Doc from the bottom of my heart for thinking of me, knowing my heart and taking the time to find a lost childhood treasure for me. (XOXO)

Is this a dream?

2008-04-22T09:32:00.010-05:00

Lately both my older children have asked me if this reality we are living is a dream or a movie. It made me remember when I was a child and wondered if I was just in a very long dream and would wake up soon. Dreams were so vivid and they felt so real... it was only upon waking that you realize that none of it was true. Though as we get older we realize that our dreams ARE trying to tell us something... at least sometimes.

I remember having a wonderful dream once about my mother arriving home from work with her car packed full of grocery bags. I could see all the wonderful things in the bag and I plotted about what I might get into first. It was the end of the day and I awoke from a nap to greet my mom and help her carry in the groceries. I was happy to help bring those bags in... there was a great variety of food in those bags and things we never could afford. Then I was rudely awakened by a sibling informing "Mom was home" but reality was so different from my dream. There were no grocery bags to be brought in and I was so disappointed. The feeling and anticipation was so real that the let down was real as well.

When my parents got divorced and my mom was raising us alone... struggling to keep food on the table and the heat on while she worked and went to school I once had a thought that maybe this WAS a dream and a bad dream at that. Maybe I would wake up and be very relieved. My first existential thought. I am not sure how old I was ... maybe 7 or 8.

So when my kids started asking me if this reality, this moment in time was real or a dream...I found myself reassuring them that yes this life was real. And also wondering what they were thinking... were they relieved or disappointed?

When watching movies my son always asks whether what we are watching is real. Sometimes the answer is more difficult than yes or no. "Yes this once happened." "These people were alive at one time." No Superman is a cartoon character. He is not flying around Earth saving people except in our imaginations." These answers seem to placate him. He knows that the Buzz Lightyear character we see at Disney World is just someone dressing up in a costume. At least he is close to knowing that. But then he is also grilling me about the tooth fairy too. He doesn't push too hard cause then where woulds the money come from? He is one smart boy.

My daughter on the other hand, asked me if this life we are living is a movie. She is literally comparing us to Cinderella or Alladin. And the thing is... she seems these characters at Disney and they look very very real to her. So if we can see these "real" princesses at Disney and then in a movie... maybe there are people watching us.

I assure her that we are not a movie.. and if we were we would bomb at the box office cause nothing exciting happens around here. Well, other than losing teeth and wondering why the tooth fairy fails to deliver over and over again. Or losing a battle with the scissors and having to have your hair cut to its shortest length ever. These are the little dramas that I wish were only only nightmares in our lives but I know that as the kids grow... they will seem dreamlike and I will cherish each memory... I hope they do too.

LifeKeys

2008-04-09T09:05:00.003-05:00

I began an 8 week course at church on Wednesday nights called LifeKeys. My pastor is leading it and it is a wonderful outlet for me. I get out of the house and get to spend time with people I really like and only see once a week at church.

LifeKeys is kid of similar to What Color is Your Parachute. You might remember that book. I read it years ago as I was trying to discover who I was and where I might best use my talents. LifeKeys is different is that it really is focused on identifying the gifts that God gave you and how you might use them for the betterment of the Kingdom of God.

The first working session we had to identify our Life Gifts... the things we do well, come naturally and are enjoyable to us. We had to make a distinction between what we do well but do not enjoy or that comes at an expense to our lives whether that is stress, dampening of the spirit and other negatives. There were six types of Life Gifts... you may find yourself having strengths in a number of them or primarily in one or two. The categories are Realistic, Investigative, Artistic, Social, Enterprising and Conventional.

Now I have always felt myself to be an introvert. I like to be alone. I love quiet. Social settings always made me anxious. (Some good medication has helped with that one.) But I did find that I was heavily social. My highest scores were in the Social category with three additional gifts in Artistic.

As a college student I majored in English. Reading and analyzing literature fed my introverted self. It fit. I was a Resident Assistant. I was in charge of a floor of women during my senior year. After what campus security called a "donnybrook" on my floor by the Irish officer that responded to it the Dean of Students asked if I had ever thought of being a counselor. What? No, never. I thought nothing of her comment for years.

Eventually I did enter the mental health profession. I felt called by God in the work I did at Gould Farm. I lived in an intentional community with people coping and striving with mental illness. I eventually became Clinical Coordinator of the program structured around more independence for residents. And because God was so present there I made the decision to go to Seminary so I might understand how to mesh the spiritual and the psychiatric.

During my four years at Vanderbilt Divinity School I studied pastoral counseling, did a number of units in Clinical Pastoral Education at the VA Hospital. I was both a part time Chaplain intern during my first year and a full time Chaplain Resident on the Psychiatric ward during my final year.

I tell you all this because here comes the list of my Life Gifts. I wanted to take this course because I need to start thinking about what i am going to do with my time once the kids are in school. I feel a bit disconnected from what I thought God wanted me to do with my life. It was so clear before I had children and seems so far away now. So taking the time to reassess is important to me. Here is the list:

understand and counseling others
listening and facilitating
evaluating people's character
being empathetic and tactful
being of service
conversing and informing
teaching
photography/graphic arts
creative expression through color
working with others
music

As I said, there are a couple at the end of the list which are my artistic gifts. They correspond to my hobbies and interests outside work. But the others are most definitely gifts that have brought me the most fulfillment in work setting and are the way I approach most of my life.

This week we are looking at spiritual gifts... tonight in fact. But I will not be able to attend because Doc has late clinic hours tonight. I guess i will do the work myself and see what i come up with.

What? Huh? What did you say?

2008-04-08T09:18:00.002-05:00

I have never repeated myself more than I have in the last two weeks. My four year old has been driving me crazy. She would ask me a question and then not wait to hear the answer. Or ask it again while I was answering her. I could not figure what was going on. But I was thinking it was behavioral. She and I have been clashing a lot. It has made me very upset to think that this is the status quo of our relationship and she is only four. It felt like the only time she heard me was when i was yelling... which I would do after she repeated herself 3 times and did not hear my response once.

So I set about trying to figure out how to relate to her differently, as well as to understand her better. I ordered a couple books off Amazon about the strong willed child. I spoke with family and friends and the doctor. The pediatrician said this was all normal and that same sex parents and children are bound to clash and just wait til she is 12. (great) I asked him about Avery's ears because she has had a number of ear infections including double ear infections just last week. He told me they were clear.

After some observation we wondered if maybe she wasn't hearing us. It was an on and off thing and depended on the setting. But I could be 4 feet away from her sometimes and call her name repeatedly and she would not respond. So I made an appointment with the audiologist at the ENT office where she and our oldest son had their tubes done a couple years ago. And it seems she has fluid in her ears again or still.

Her pediatrician counted 6-7 ear infections in the last year which is right on the cusp for new tubes. Today we go to see the ENT himself. It looks like tubes are in her future. But the icing is that maybe, just maybe our relationsip will shift dramatically or a smidgen anyway.

Shlemiel, Shlimazel

2008-03-31T20:39:00.002-05:00

Who knew that these were real words with real meanings? Not me. I remember them from Laverne and Shirley show that was on in the 70s. I thought they were nonsense words. Come to find out that they are Yiddish.

Here are the definitions:

shlemiel
A clumsy, inept person, similar to a klutz (also a Yiddish word). The kind of person who always spills his soup.

shlimazel
Someone with constant bad luck. When the shlemiel spills his soup, he probably spills it on the shlimazel.

I am not sure which one was Laverne and which was Shirley. Shirley had pretty good luck. Carmine was a cutie. So maybe she was the shlimazel. And though the girls used a great amount of physical comedy, I remember it being Laverne ending up more than not upside down with her panties showing. Which would make her the shlemiel. But she also had milk and coke dumped over her head more than once... hmmmm.

How do you remember it?

I have no cares...

2008-03-27T08:58:00.004-05:00

Every night we pray with our kids. Its part of our ritual. The kids demand their prayers. One from me and then one from their father. All told 4 prayers ... 2 for each old kid.

Avery loves the "Our Father". She requests it every night. It must not be too slow or too fast. She interrupts at least twice and I lose my place and have to start over. Lately her request has been "the Our Father and then pray for Grandma Mac". Grandma Mac is actually her great grandmother who has been in rehab since having tumors removed from her bladder. Thankfully our prayers are working because she is being discharged to home today, three weeks after her surgery.

Cullen's prayer must have the following included, "help Cullen to have beautiful dreams and no bad ones and to think no bad thoughts". This is because Cullen has a great imagination and if he starts thinking scary thoughts he gets wound up into a tizzy thinking zombies are scratching at his window.

I put little suggestions into his prayers so that he might know he can have a relationship with God by speaking to God directly. So part of the prayer I say for him goes "help Cullen to know that you watch over him and he can turn all his cares to you God. Amen". Last night after I closed the prayer Cullen looked at me and said, "I don't have any cares cause I have you."

If I could have faith in my God like my son has faith in me I would be carefree.

I think back to my childhood and the disappointment and grief I felt when my father left the family. I thought he was a white knight, and a movie star all rolled into well. He would do no wrong in my eyes. His leaving resulted in a brokenness that I still carry. I know children need a strong foundation and sense of security. Life can't touch them with their parents around. It allows them to grow and develop without fear of the outside world. I want that for my kids. I do not want to be the reason they falter and struggle at an early age wondering if they are loved and if they are valued. So I am glad he can say with such certainty that his cares are few with me as his mother.

I also look forward to the day that he can shift that belief over to the God who loves him even more than I can.